Deepest Memories
The wind was so cheerful,
brushing happily against our faces.
The skies were so blue,
they never turned solemn and sad.
Birds sing out their hearts,
while flying past the shady trees.
We walked through sunny fields
hand-in-hand, a smile on our faces.
Flowers sent us into imaginary lands,
their gentle petals comforting us.
We merely gazed dreamily,
as the day went by,
watching our deepest memories
drift in the sky.
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140,231 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
1. You changed tense in the fifth line. Even in a poem, you usually want to stick to one tense unless you have a good reason not to.
2. "The wind was so cheerful,
brushing happily"
Since you already used cheerful, you don't really need to say happily. Adverbs should be used as sparingly as popular. Not according to me, but according to Elements of Style, the ultimate guide to writing by E.B. White and Strunk.
I liked your image of flowers sending to imaginary lands. You created a very whimsical, ethereal mood. Nice!
Hmm...
)
Short and sweet.
I don't want to sound odd, because you used the word "faces" twice... but for some reason, in a poem that short, I don't think that putting face in it twice really does anything for it... "Profile" "Figure" "Composure" Something else. "Faces" wasn't cutting it for me (sorry).
I think that it was pretty good overall. I liked the last four lines, however it totally breaks away from your format. You have sentences extending over 2 lines, until the last 4 lines, which is just one sentence. If you lengthened the poem I suppose you could put them into stanzas. Pseudo-couplets, if you would, for every two lines, until the last four?
"Birds sing out their hearts," "Sing out" was sort of awkward to me. I usually hear people say "Sing your heart out" but never, "Sing out your heart" as an example. I'm not saying it's bad, I like the twist... but it's a little awkward.
I also think that there were commas that didn't belong. Just because it's the end of the line doesn't mean it ALWAYS needs a punctuation mark (it makes you breathe when you read or recite). I'll just point out the only misplaced comma:
5-6: If you were to just read it aloud, the pause takes away from the sentence because of the break between the lines (If you can see what I'm saying?)
11-12: Comma does no good. However the comma of 12-13 was good.
(I'm sort of picky, can't you tell?
But I liked it.
It was sweet and if you are only 12 that's a pretty good start to writing longer, more descriptive poems.
Keep it up