Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
My eyes slide open, when a rush of pain floods through my body.
I groan, Jesus fucking Christ my head hurts. Half of me wants to get up and make breakfast, but the other half is telling me to shut up and stay still. It almost feels like there is someone else inside my head, I wish I could talk to them but I doubt they will listen.
I lick my lips and decide that just sitting my hungry ass down wont get shit done here.
I'm sitting upright now. The effort of doing so actually makes me dizzy, but I will myself to move in the general direction of where I think the kitchen might be. I have no real clue where I am as I have just been sitting in a bed for a day. Walking down the short hallway that leads to the other side of the sweet, or what I would assume is a sweet based on how amazingly nice it is, I finally find the kitchen after bumping into countless walls and shelves. This place is crazy nice, super soft carpet and velvet chairs, there is a line of couches next to a HUGE TV. The kitchen is an exposed outlet to the rest of the place. On my way over I passed a few rooms, of which I assume house the grouch, and the ass.
I swish my body over to the fridge and grab a carton of milk from cold, cold heaven. Sliding back over to the counter I look up at some well furnished cabinets, "alright" I grumble as I reach up.
There must be some cereal in here right? Opening the cabinets I find some Oat Quakers, Daaaaaamn they have the good stuff here. the sexy guy with curled hair stairs back at me, I lick my lips and pull him down to the counter, feeling a little gay while doing it. Opening the box I sniff, the delicious smell is indescribable, I pour the cereal into a bowl I find in the same cabinet. After I finish pouring the milk, I look for a spoon somewhere around the kitchen. checking a few cabinets I find what I am looking for and stick it in the bowl too. I finish it all by pouring the white gold into the bowl.
after I am done gawking at the deliciousness unfolding in front of my very eyes, I pick up the bowl. I shuffle over to a nice little spot on the couch in the living room and dig in, "holy hell man" I gush. I don't really know why I remember this one cereal so well, but boy does it taste like heaven. after I finish I turn on the TV, "the news is next" some unnamed broadcaster says, the image on the TV changes to an image of the sun and they start talking "we have found the location of the-" they keep talking but I really don't care what it is about, seeing that ball of fire makes me furious for some reason. I stand up and press the power button.
What have I been doing? why the hell had I been complying with all of this bullshit? My mood just went from pretty fine to pure anger in seconds. Orange lights in a funny pattern show up under my skin, "this damn robot garbage" I get to my feet and walk down the hallway to the other door I assume to be the exit, I was right. I bust open the door and start walking down the staircase that leads out of the main building. On my way out a woman asks if I am okay but I ignore her, all of a sudden I am outside. even though it isn't night anymore its dark out. cars drive by me in the street.
walking down the sidewalk I start to feel hot, people are looking at me terrified as the orange lights under my skin get brighter. I am having trouble seeing straight as my eyes seem to be shooting in every direction involuntarily. All of a sudden my body feels like it's on fire, I can see everything at once. I see smoke exploding from my body before it happens. In a huge rush of extreme pain smoke comes out of my eye sockets, pores, and ears. I fall to the ground, I am sure people rush around me to see what is going on but I can't see at all anymore.
I feel even worse than I did when I woke up hours ago, I am in a hospital bed with doctors peering their ugly heads at me. "so it seems like his body rejected the implants AFTER the implants were injected, his body is going back to normal but it seems like something really doesn't want the implants in there." says a doctor out of view. I let myself fall back asleep since consciousness is nothing but pain right now.
I wake up later feeling at least a little bit better, I wait until they let me leave.
I am outside again, the cold air blows over my skin. I still feel achy and sore but I move forward, a car is parked in front of the hospital clearly meant for me to get inside. I sigh and get in. On the way there I looked out of the window, they tell me I am on my way back "home". I know what they mean but if we are being real I don't really know what my home is. The buildings pass by the car in a blurry mess, they look like fireworks flying past me.
The car slows to a halt and I stop looking through the glass. It feels like being torn back into reality when I walk out of the car. Before me stands the building I had just ran away from a few hours ago. The building is grand and colorful, with a huge assortment of letters at the top that read "Cybernetic dorm housing" I look back down at my feet as I open the door knowing that I will have to explain to Hinsa and Xavier soon. I climb my way back up the stairs taking a better look at the inside of the building. There is a front desk that sits ironically in the back of the lobby. There sits the lady that asked if I was okay earlier. I look more, the building is tall and has multiple floors clearly holding more cybernetics, though I am pretty sure only a portion of the place is full. There is a little waiting area beside the desk down in the lobby with some couches and fine carpet, most of the stuff here is has a sort of silver lining, lets hope that that doesn't mean I am missing any of the real silver lining when it comes down to it.
After I get done looking at stuff from the top of the stairs I frown at the door nob that leads to my room. I walk inside expecting to see Xavier or Hinsa waiting for me, but no one is at the door. I continue inside and find Xavier making eggs in the kitchen, Hinsa is watching TV where I was earlier.
"Oh hey Cooper, I am glad to see you up and walking." Xavier says in a light tone.
Hinsa turns around seeing me for the first time and smiles
"Hi Cooper! how was your time out!" Hinsa asks without even a tinge of anger. I just look at them like they are crazy.
"You just don't care that I tried to leave?" I say incredulous.
"huh? OH, you thought we would be mad? Nonono of course not. You are allowed to leave, I mean anywhere you go on earth finding you would be able to be found. You can go anywhere you want." I blink, open my mouth and then close it.
"you never answered my question Coop." Hinsa reminded.
"Oh, uh... yeah I had a pretty good time I guess." The lie slides right through my teeth.
"I see you found the Oat Quakers Cooper." Xavier says cracking a rare smile. I just nod and walk over to the couch where Hinsa sits, I find a nice comfy spot on the recliner that is pretty close to the couch.
after a half an hour Hinsa and Xavier finished their eggs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Heyyyyyyyy everyone! Long time no see, go look at my page please. This is like, the one time I am giving an actual update, so go look at that please.
The implants rejected Cooper once, but they won’t reject him again. Or will they? Probably not. He is the supposed Bone God, so he might be fine. Or because he’s not of this world the implants will reject him. It could be that the implants don’t like Gods. What if they take over him? Control him? They are alive, after all.
I hope that you will have a lovely day and night.
Thanks for all the reviews btw. I am glad to see that someone is liking some of this old (mostly) garbage lol. Might continue work on my rewrite. It's at like 13 pages, but I've only covered three of the original chapters. Much longer.
You%u2019re welcome.
Hi Lexus! Happy Monday!

I haven't read any of this previously (that I'm aware of) but I really like how distinct the narrative voice is here. It adds a lot of personality to the story and makes it feel really authentic and interesting to read.
I did find some of the jumps to be abrupt when I was reading though, and it made me feel less immersed in the story. The shift from the protagonist waking up in bed to suddenly being in the kitchen is a bit abrupt, along with being outside to waking up in the hospital and then back outside? I'm guessing this is the style of the novel and I might be missing some context here, but I found it hard to keep up with the constant changes and that made it hard to follow what was going on.
Mostly, I think the balance between giving the reader some information to carry on through the story and avoiding an overshare of information is where changes could be made. It's a really fine line to walk, but I really found it hard to work out what progress had been made through this chapter because of the lack of information. The intrigue and tension created is very well done and is certainly engaging, but I think the pacing could be slowed down in some areas to create a bit more of a balanced read!
I've noticed that chapter ten of this is also in the Green Room, so perhaps I'll have a better attempt at reviewing that now that I've read chapter nine!
Hope this was at least somewhat helpful
Icy
You have some very strong description, good dialogue, and an intriguing beginning. If you're 14 like your profile says, this is seriously some wow-za writing! The pacing is nice, and an element of confusion is good to keep the reader strung along. Now, some nice things said, here are some things you might consider working on:

1. This story feels a little like fanfiction. (If it actually is, speed right on by this part because I apparently just didn't realize what I was reading) BUT if it's not, you might need to work a little more on your setting. I do appreciate that you don't info dump in this piece, but I need to know a little more than what is given. Does Cooper have memory loss? (If not, you might consider working on character development) What does the world outside really look like? Aside from strange lights under his skin, how do the implants make Cooper feel different? Is anger the only emotion Cooper feels, or are there others we're not hearing about? Obviously, you want to pick and choose what to reveal and what to make the reader work for, but you also want to make sure the reader knows enough to really take the hook.
2. Adapting the medical side of this cyberpunk experiment to more realistic terms can seriously boost reader buy-in. It might seem like the dramatic effect of smoke pouring out of every pore would take the seriousness of Cooper's condition home, but it does a little of the opposite. It's so extreme, a realistic person would expect Cooper to be dead a good hundred times over by the end of that (until he seems just fine in the hospital, of course.) You might consider trying something a little less drastic and a little more human (and maybe include Cooper's reaction should something non-human go wrong with his body - that would usually be very traumatizing for someone to see). Your reader will better identify with a more human effect - which makes the malfunction much scarier/real to the reader.
3. You have a bunch of odd errors and typos. Everyone does of course! But yours are oddly mostly homonyms? Hehe I remember making this type of error too when I was a younger writer, but here are some things to look out for: suite, not sweet; stair vs stare; etc.
Great job overall and keep up the hard work!!
Thanks so much for the review! Like seriously!
I like the feel you make it fell like your in night city some how in a experiment augmentation house. not sure if that what you where trying for but it felt nice
Thanks!
very cyberpunk i like it i don't know what to say except i like it
Just you wait, I am going to have a lot of variety in places later. no spoilers though.
Yes! I finally got a night to write something! I have had next to no time on my computer so I am so glad I could get this done in what short time I had. I hope yall like it!
Oat Quakers