Experimenting with poetry again.
Spoiler! :
at the edge of a table
.....undecided
a feather’s touch is enough;
i will not breathe.
It was once full, a
warm embrace, moulded
between my hands.
What we had filled
kept me tethered, blinded
looking from above
i did not see
the holes created,
the steady decrease.
another pair of lips graces
the pink-tainted rim
finding what i have lost.
i will let go, not as if
it was too hot, but
with the tortuous yielding
that veritas brings.
Just know, the brown-ring stains
never leave the tablecloth.
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Canary word: Present
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Engineer! You asked me to review this, and so I am!
But... um... instead of doing the typical critique, I am going to ask two questions that I want you to think about. Because this poem is really good... it just has a few points that confuse me.
1. ee cummings loved to not use capital letters. In fact, one of my favorite quotes by him was when he actually capitalized God. With that said, are you not capitalizing "i" because ee cummings didn't, or is there an ulterior meaning behind this?
2. In your coffee cup metaphor, you have it so the coffee cup has holes in it and the steady decrease of liquid. However, the next stanza has this same cup being used by someone else. What exactly are you trying to say here? This kind of indicates to me that the coffee cup metaphor is being changed whenever you feel like it, so I am a little confused. And, not the good kind of confusion. I am not sure what you are saying or what the coffee is actually supposed to mean. So... yeah.
It's very pretty! Just clear up what you actually mean with the metaphor and it will be so much better and meaningful.
Lava!
So this poem is great! I may be mistaken but in my head, it's about sipping coffee or something like that and joys that a cuppa can bring to any disheartened soul. Tea has the same effect on me.
It's discrete in its portrayal but simple in its message. I like!
Experiment successful, I say!
Murtuza
Hey Lava was on featured work, for a short while I guess, but yay! Maybe my joy's lame though.
Why do you write the I-s in small locks, is that supposed to be there? I dont know, but I liked the flow of it, usually.
Hope my review helps, I tried to be evil.
A very magical poem there. I loved the title. I was really interested by just seeing what this poem is called. I am slightly confused by the meaning of the poem, but only slightly. I think I get it. Its about the person behind the poem, but it portrays that person as a paper cup on the tablecloth. I found that a really great idea and I loved it.
Cannot see any grammatical corrections. I loved this poem to bits and wish I wrote it myself!
Deanie x
I liked the feel of this poem very much. It seemed regretful in a way, although I'm confused on what it's about. I think that's just me because I've always been terrible at finding the physical meaning in poems. Anyway, I love the emotion, though a little vague it seems to me, in this piece and how the narrator seems to have missed something in life. Overall, I like it!