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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
I bid you welcome. Now then, your work's in the spoiler together with my comments, inputs and impressions =)
Nestled between the folds of
Spoiler
darkness, until the time is right
the sleeping speck - it awakens with
pincers precariously poised to strike
releasing beauty so terrible
for immortality in its epitome
not a herculean task, it relapses from
the recesses - another malignancy.
-Now, to be honest, this is rocky. While I do get the image you're giving us, you are very abstract, actually to the point of making this seem like an ancient legend or a prophecy, but the one that has really poor rhythm and flow. I know that this is free verse and also it doesn't know of proper interpunctions, but there is no telling how this should be read. I've tried many ways and always ended up realizing, that the flow is off, making this hard to swallow and not very pleasuring to read. I'm not telling you that rhythm is everything, but at the very least the flow is necessary. It is important, as it decides how well the poem will be read, not to mention that good flow makes it have more depth and gives it unique magic. As a poem, this lacks its important fundamentals.
*
Have you seen the kids swing?
Tell me, how they do it.
Show me their faces, their words
can I have but one visit?
I would like to hold
the hand of a friend
who leaves me when
I see the end.
- Now here I enjoyed reading it more - the flow is clearer, it is easier to swallow and has more of a feeling that it's a well written poem! Since it also has little abstractness and only a message to figure out, it's easier to imagine/understand too. While it barely has any rhythm and the flow isn't high level, it is somewhat readable.
*
Drug targets, signals and human trials.
It's one after another -
tears after hope
a fight like no other.
chemicals after genes,
a battle against the body
We fight,
in hope for victory.
[b]- This stanza is the most powerful/has the most impact out of the three. It is also the only one that does tell us that the whole ordeal has got something to do with a disease and a tough one too. The imaginery is not overly abstract as 1st stanza, making this easy to imagine and follow. I still have the issue with the flow, but it is still better than in 1st stanza, it is almost identical to 2nd stanza, it is somewhat smoother for read, but it could be better.
With the main comments done, I'm going to talk about it in general. I recall you saying that you want a work that would win a prize - publication, I'm sorry to tell you, but this isn't enough. You switch your use of words and abstractness dramatically between 1st and other two stanzas and it hurts. Your first stanza makes this look like a heavy piece, it's overloaded with abstractness and deep words, then the other two stanzas are unbelivably easier and plainer, losing its depth, its edge. It almost looks like the author tried to be very philosophical and a great poet at the start, but then gave up and just wrote the simpliest things that came under hand.
It is also in overall rocky and not too pleasing to read, tearing a whole notch of its impact down. In the end I'm left with an impression, that this is something a more or less knowledged person wrote, but didn't succeed in making it a real poem. I wouldn't consider this poem to be anywhere near "Good", I'd just say it's "Not that bad, try again later."
Best regards,
~Kyou
I will get to this later, as promised, but for now I have to get to work! But I just wanted to let you know for now that I have indeed read it and will have some thoughts for you when I get off later.
~Blue
Hi Licious!
I’m here as requested! I’ve read both spoilers and think that you’re on track for a fairly subtle (although not too subtle) look at cancer in the poem. You’re not overt, which is lovely but it’s also clear that you’re talking about a degenerative disease, I think, which is what you want to go for.
Your first stanza is definitely the strongest one, as it’s the most coherent with a good hold on the rhyme scheme you’re going for. I would suggest that in the second last line you move “from” to the next line, because it’s incredibly awkward to read out loud at the moment. Otherwise I think it’s rad.
Your second stanza becomes a little more sketch on the rhyme scheme, you’re relying on similar endings in a more clear way – it was in this stanza I even picked up you were doing a rhyme. Keep in mind that I am terrible at rhyming, I couldn’t keep it up if you paid me. I might be biased in my need for rhyme to be almost invisible. Otherwise this is a thin but usable stanza which doesn’t ask too much from the reader but starts to suggest a deep loss on the part of the speaker.
The final stanza loses your rhyme scheme at the end! I was way confused and thought that an accent thing might be making me miss it, but I think you’ve just stopped the rhyme. If you’re going to have a rhyme you absolutely have to keep it consistent or it becomes kitsch and a bit icky on all parts. This is the stanza which most clearly expounds the concept of cancer, or of an illness which is to be fought. I think considering your audience (A sciencey contest indeed!) this would probably be suitable. I’d fix up the rhyme and consider adding a little more content to fill up the edges, the second and final stanzas are thin against your first. This isn’t, and doesn’t have to be, a problem it’s just something to consider.
It’s a good poem on the whole, and I hope you do well in the contest. Feel free to hit me up if you change the poem or want anything explained further, I’m way happy to help.