The pair froze in the midst of their conversation, as if the words themselves had crystallized into ice and dropped to the floor with audible pings. The low and condescending tone held them for several seconds before Fael smoothly rose and bowed.
A few heartbeats later, Sirce echoed Fael’s movement with a low curtsy.
“Merry meet, Sidgurl of Starash. I am Sirce of Avignon. Daughter of the First Councillor of Defence, I welcome you to the land of Avignon.” She recognized his lean, tall frame and the meticulous manner in which he held himself. She had indeed witness one too many nights as the silhouette of this man by the crevice in her bedroom door.
“Merry meet, Sirce of Avignon, and whom, if I may ask is the companion beside you?” The clear disdain in his voice was painfully sharp against the subdued atmosphere in that particular corner of the library.
She dared to lift up her eyes, silent sparks of anger simmered beneath the facade of chivalry as she spoke lightly, “This, Fael my friend and son of the first technician.” She did not withdraw her piercing gaze until the tall man gave a slight nod, eyes flickering briefly over Fael’s frame with a carefully blank gaze.
“What brings you here, Lord Sidgurl?” Fael inquired gently, voice carefully polite.
“If the two of you have heard,” he begun in a voice cool as frost, “you would not be wasting time over … these useless lores and contribute to the situation.”
Trails of crimson licked up the pair’s cheeks as they flustered at his words, and could only grit their teeth in endurance as he continued, “these are times of great danger. Evil shadows our land as it has not been for five generations.” His eyes are distant ocean as he continued on, “fear spreads like greed amidst the hunger of our hearts and it is a time, when none is safe.” The last word was the merest of a hoarse whisper as he casted one last stridulous glance before striding away in a swirl of silken robe.
“And I thought chivalry wasn’t dead.” Fael remarked dryly, eyes trailing the disappearing figure of the haughty lord.
She sighed softly and bent down to pick the book up from where it lay, “he does have a point. There are hard times; chivalry is last of our worries.”
He shrugged with nonchalance, carefully wrapping her slender fingers in his own and tugged her away gently into the open hallway. “It is not ours to worry for now, for now.” He smiled lightly, glancing sideways at her with eyes the colour of freshly grounded coffee. “We can enjoy being a careless youth!”
She highly doubted the careless youth part, flashing back to the endless lessons of etiquette of her childhood. Though the day was too good to be wasted.
Midway through the towns quite where the pair had purchased two cinnamon rolls for lunch, a harried page stopped in front of them and sketched a bow hastily.
"Lady Sirce, your father has called upon you for. Meeting at the Council Tower, it is most urgent you attend to the matter immediately." The page's anxious eyes beseeched hers for a second before pressing a small envelop into her hands and scurried off to his next errand.
"Is it from your father?" Fael peered over her hand, a strange intensity brewing in his voice.
She flipped over the envelope, broken the wax seal that indicated it was indeed the official seal and read her father's regal script.
'Attend at once.' She slipped the small note back into the envelope and sighed ruefully. "Yes, it appears so."
He half-pivoted on his heel and stopped when she placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "Come with me, please."
Something in her tone stopped his rebuke and he gave a short nod, but then, when has he ever said no to her when she needed his company. The cinnamon roll lie discarded in their hands as they found other things to look at than each other's eyes. A roll of stalls and bakeries lined the right side of the square parallel to its opposing side which had a miscellaneous sort of stores ranging anything from a puppeteer's shop to candle store. People weaves inane out of shops, chatting excitedly about the upcoming winter festival. To her, the square seemed more ebullient than ever.
A tiny scowl tugged at the end of her lips, Fael was in a unnaturally reticent mood as it always was when her father mentioned. The fuel between the two seemed to be much more ancient than a mere decade and no matter how hard she questioned them, neither would budge.
"We are here." He stopped voice carefully apathetic.
"We are indeed, let us go." She coughed uneasily, voice trembling slightly at the prospect of facing the grim councillors again. One does not become immune to fear simply because it has been done before. They dawdled through the hallway, with portraits of unsmiling councillors and the coldness of the marble stone seem to numb their mind for the Councillors to pry the truth from them.
They exchanged the general greeting with the sentries posted at the Tower room and was shortly admitted. The hall never failed to impress or intimidate for that matter and judging by the sharp intake of Fael's breath, the feeling was shared...
The first Councillors sat on the dais, two seats respectively from the right were missing. The air in the room laced with tension as her father flashed a reproving gaze at her. Sited at the centre of the dais was the First Councillor, her erect postures and sharp azure eyes seem to contradict her age and frail body. The Councillors of Heath, chief of demand, her father fanned out to either the right or left.
"Merry meet, First Councillor of Avignon and respective councillors." Their young voices echoed unanimous in the spacious hall, lost and seemingly small.
"Merry meet Sirce of Xande and Fael of Torre, it is the wish of the Councillors that we have call upon you," The first councillor piercing gaze focused solely on Sirce's bowed head, "to testify your absence before this morning's incident." A soft sigh of relief hisses through her trembling teeth as the scorching gaze expanded to her companion. "It is the wish of the Council that you explain of your absence."
She barely heard the last words because the roaring cacophony of her pounding blood and fear had filled her eardrums, her heart thrummed in frantic beats as she raised an unsteady gaze to the obdurate circle of eyes. The words she had conjured up in her mind became a juxtaposition of thoughts that were trapped in her saliva, yet another voice sliced through the myriad of chaos in her head.
"First Councillor of Avignon and respective councillors, I, Fael, son of Torre and Avignon stands here today to testify for our absence. We met at the southern gate this morning and went for a stroll. We then return when we heard the piercing scream, you may ask the guards and Noelle the baker to testify for us.”
“There is no need.” A dauntingly-familiar voice dominated over Fael’s flowing stream, all seven pair of eyes shifted to the imposing lord that oozed with dignity. “The boy is lying.” He growled, striding forward with purposeful strides until he was levelled with the pair and bowed low before swinging his piercing gaze to the flustered pair.
“They have been charged on the behalf of the Council of Starash with treason.”
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Hey there Laure!
I can't get enough of this story. Each chapter ends with some suspense and I can't wait to find out what might happen next. And then we get there and we get to see more of this fantastic relationship between Fael and Sirce which is getting better and better all the time. Now her own father has summoned her to this meeting, seemingly to get her locked up or something. Does her own father really want that to happen to her, or did the official seal just pose as her father? I am also wondering what could've happened between Fael and her father that makes their relationship so icy? Is it just that he doesn't want his higher class daughter hanging around with a lower class guy, who seemingly distracts her from her business? I am interested to know... Which is why reading this is so great ^.^
One thing though: when you've got so much suspense at the end of a chapter you really need to follow through with it. Sidgurl seems to appear and then disappears after speaking of danger. His appearance seems really random, unnecessary and then well, brief. We need to know a reason for him being there. I mean, the books are dusty and you mention this quite a bit. That makes it seem like no one comes to that part of the library - except them, but now Sidgurl is going there too! So he needs a valid reason for being there, even if it's just that he saw them disappear there and followed them because he has news.
I also suggest you make the news a bit more specific. He comes and speaks generally of bad stuff, just general bad. But what was so pressing that he needed to tell them? Or was he just trying to hint at the whole treason thing, or if another bad event has happened that he needs to tell them about?
Make sure you keep this in past tense, which means the word your supposed to use here is 'witnessed.' Also, because of the way this is worded it makes it sound like she was pretending to be the shadow of this man. Maybe something along the lines of this could help improve the meaning? Like: She had witnessed one too many nights with his silhouette of this man falling in the crevice of her bedroom door. I cut out some words to make it less wordy, and I felt like the indeed wasn't really needed here.
Wait a second... she knows him, but he has never met Sirce or Fael all the times he has worked with her father? Because of the way they meet and greet and act, it seems like the type of society where people would be proud to introduce their children when guests come over, before they head up to bed or retreat to their rooms, or something. I feel like they should've met before.
You need a comma after the word 'ask' here. Because that would make a few too many commas, I suggest you put a full stop after the Avignon instead of a comma.
I think you need the word 'is' after the this. Also, I suggest the first comma becomes a full stop, and you put a 'there were silent sparks...' etc.
Fael mentions that they should enjoy their youth, but then again Sirce is a counsellor of something and has a status, so doesn't that mean that responsibilities come along with this as well? Which means she needs to be professional in public? As well as her childhood already taken from her with the etiquette rules. But I don't know whether she would really be able to enjoy her youth or not seeing as we never heard what being a Councillor really entails...
I would get rid of the word 'two' because we don't really need that detail at that point. Also I would get rid of the word 'quite' here because it messes up the meaning of this sentence. One more thing that should be done before this line, is that you should mention that they are leaving the library. Just a brief little transition so it doesn't seem like the characters are time jumping.
No need for the full stop here, and you need the word 'the' where the full stop is.
Typo! *envelope.
This is still sort of a question because you've used the word when as a starter. So have a question mark at the end.
Due to this being in past tense, you should be using the word lay here.
Again, this should be past tense so you need weaved.
The Problem doesn't really surface much in this chapter at all, which is awesome ^.^ I hope it just keeps getting better and better as I continue reading.
You say Sirce should've been somewhere but she was taking a stroll with Fael. But where was she supposed to be in the first place? All the way back in chapter one we might of known, but we don't know anymore because we forget for the key plot lines. So, do remind us. Was there an important meeting or something?
Past tense warning again! Should be returned...
I hope not everyone accepts that they are going to be charged with treason without even questioning the witnesses. Otherwise, what are Sirce and Fael going to do? Also, all those public people went and saw Sirce talk about the winter carnival. Surely that should evidence enough? Hm, I can't see a reason for them wanting to lock them up anyways, because they don't seem like special or dangerous people yet - only Lady Glass seems to think so. Either way, I suppose I have to read more to see!
Deanie x
Hi there!
Written this way it'll make better sense. When I first read through it, it seemed as if Fael was Sirce's son (which I know isn't true).
I have a little grammar thing to point out. There are times when you start dialogue and he word you start it with is not capitalized. You should always capitalize the first word of dialogue. Even if it's a continuation from another part of the dialogue. Always, always capitalize the beginning of dialogue!
I really like the way you've written the dialogue throughout your novel. I can tell that your novel does not take place in the same time period that we live in now. Your dialogue proves that thought very well. They all speak quite formal and correctly to the right people. I'm impressed! Keep up the good work with your dialogue!
The one thing I have to say negative about this is that it seems you're moving a bit too fast. Wasn't it just a few chapters ago that Fael and Sirce met a glass maiden (that's what she was, right?). Where did she go? Why didn't their thoughts and attention linger on her a bit longer? Now all of the sudden they're off to see the council. I think you could slow it down just a tad.
I am very impressed by how you continue to make sure your chapters aren't littered with dialogue. There is plenty of time when we're in Sirce's head or reading imagery. Keep doing that. It really ties everything together.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hm. You were trying to build suspense, and Sirce and Fael were sensing impending danger, then it jumps right away to Sirce greeting the person. Think there needs to be a few sentence showing the transition (i.e: show them relieved at who the person actually was).
Needs more expansion here (Don't info dump in this paragraph). If they have met in the past, I think that needs to show more in how they are talking and their mannerisms.
Don't you think her anger is unjustified (or at least not that well explained?) It would be reasonable for someone like him to have never met Fael right?
So this bit is giving me a headache. How on earth does Lord Sidgurl know that evil is approaching? And why of all places is he in the library and randomly informing them of this if that's the case? I guess it would make more sense if he was frantically searching the library for something to combat the evil and overheard their nonsense...
...Actually now that I think about it, if Lord Sidgurl knows that evil is coming, then shouldn't everyone that has a link in the Council of Defence or whatever authority it is be informed about this? Then by that, Sirce and Fael probably wouldn't be wasting their time trying to look up some random fairytale...they'll be more likely trying to find some clues in the forest no?
I can't tell who says this coz your use of pronouns here is vague, but if it's Fael, then I think it's really inappropriate that he said that given his position. If it's the Lord...seems out of character.
Although they probably know in full detail is afoot, I find it funny that you have to talk about them casually buying something for lunch. Totally goes against the tone of there being an impeding evil no?
Absence from where!? Was there a meeting earlier that they skipped out on? Do they do roll checks of the people in the Council in the morning? I just don't see how they know that they were absent from whatever they are supposed to be present for?
Now let's for the sake of argument say that Sirce and Fael were supposed to be at some place at some time. Don't you think that it's totally irresponsible for them to skip out on said meeting? Why the heck are they even on the council if they are such lazy sloths?
See here, I'm supposed to be feeling tension and wanting to know what would happen to Sirce and Fael in the next chapter, but I don't. Why? Well even if the Lord says they are lying, they would still need to ask the witnesses that Sirce and Fael stated to see if what they said is consistent with the Lord. It's called cross examination. You can't just have a Lord claim "Oh, he is lying," and the prosecution process just ends there and Sirce and Fael just get arrested. That's not how courts work.
You probably could have a legitimate conflict if say the said witnesses were bribed to be quiet/lie about not seeing Sirce and Fael, or were killed off. That I would actually start to feel some tension in the situation.
But if I was to go by that, then that leads to a logical inconsistency: For the Lord to claim that they are missing, then wouldn't that imply that 1. He was with them at one point, and therefore he would be considered missing too? And 2. Say if the Lord claims that they saw them leave to go off somewhere, then how come he didn't raise the alarm earlier? See where I am getting at? By stating that they were lying, the Lord himself also made himself a suspect of the situation.
If you want the Lord to be able to indirectly and passively get them into the chopping block, it's better if he played more of a witness role. Remember the 2nd book in the Harry Potter series. When the teachers and students found Harry and co by Filch's petrified cat and a message on the wall written in blood, as much as Snape would secretly like to see them in trouble, he didn't outright claim that they were lying. Instead, he said "...Perhaps Potter and his friends were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time, however, I don't recall seeing Potter at dinner."
Though in your story, the Lord would have some involvement in getting them into trouble (whereas Snape had no involvement at all), point I'm making is you need to make the Lord say something quite sneaky without getting himself into trouble.
How did they deduced this? Did they find Sirce/Fael's knife at the scene of the crime? What evidence was there to suggest this? And since I don't get how they know people are missing (What actually is defined missing? If I was at the library instead of at the castle when said incident happened, would that mean I'm missing too?) I don't get what the conflict is all about.
Overall impressions:
So this entire chapter was plot hole city for me. It's a plot hole within a plot hole. Plot-holeception! You're trying to set up the idea that there is an impending evil in the background, but there is like nothing happening at all to suggest that they even think said evil is a threat. Why the heck is the Lord, Sirce and Fael in the darn Library? Shouldn't all members in the council be informed of the situation and to actually be in search parties, scouring the woods for clues right about now? Shouldn't they be looking for who the murderer was?
And don't get me started on the whole incrimination thing near the end of the chapter, because that was a headache. No matter what solutions I can think of to try salvage your current situation, I seem to come up with another logical gap that undermines everything else. You need to really rewrite this part. Learn how the prosecution process works, learn how to actually get people into trouble while remaining in the shadows yourself. Set up situations where Sirce and Fael have no way to get out (such as bribing/killing off their witnesses that would help repulse the false allegations towards them).
Andy.
Alright, thanks Andy. I can see what you mean by the plot holes and I will admit that Sidgurl appearing out of nowhere was a bit random. But the court thingy will be continued on in the later chapters, and Sidgurl had his own reasons for doing this and yes, he did bribe someone to testify which I'll happen in the next chapter. As to how the crime was occurred in Starash, this will once again be explained. The council do know about the danger, but they are being obviously oblivious. Once again, thank you so much for the review, I always appreciate it your reviews both past and present. xD.