"And the clog had turned the wheel that set the pendulums swinging for the Changer." -Taellster's tale
Snow sucked the heels of their boots as the two hurtled down the last of the steps that
Led to the west gate entry. The guards’ indignant yells became a distant echo as the two raced to the myriad of people conjugated a few metres away from the town square. The usual quiet town of Avignon now seethed with dread and fear, as they slowed down to a gentle jog Sirce pushed back her hood with a grim determination. The cacophony of hushed whispers ceased and all if not many of the townspeople stepped aside to let her pass. She glided through the cobblestone street and knelt down beside the sobbing woman, utterly conscious of the eyes watching her she put one arm around the woman's shaking shoulders, shock to find the waves of tension beneath those slender shoulder blades. Her words glanced off the woman like water on oil, and she knew soon those waves of tension would escalate into hysteria.
She needed to get rid of this crowd.
"Leave, and return to your daily chores! You crowd around her like chooks around corns." She hoped only firm command stood out on her tone and not the under-layer of uncertainty. Slowly, the townspeople dispersed unwillingly into their daily chores with murmurs of worry. She suspected it was more of her social status than the words itself had an effect on the townspeople.
"Could you tell me what the matter is?" She moved her hand up and down her back soothingly, attempting to calm her even though the attempts proved to be futile.
"Here, let me." Fael's soft voice intercepted her and she watched with awe in her eyes as he whispered something into her ear. Almost instantly, her shoulders sagged in relief and the sobbing ceased to a soft whimpering then, the lulling rhythm of a restless sleep. Fael's gestures were like an experienced stable master nursing an injuries animal. From the soft strokes that smoothed out her tangled hair and the gentle, melodious lullaby that eased the erratic breathing to the steady rhythm of a settled sleep.
Once again, Fael's ability to calm people amazed her yet as she examined the woman's sleeping face closely. She realized with dismay that she wasn't just a commoner, she was the wife to the Councillor of Health. Sylvea Braidwood.
"Do you know what possessed the poor woman so?" Fael asked her in a low voice, while lowering Braidwood's head onto his lap slowly. "I don't think anything but time can mend her, her spirit is absolutely broken."
She heard the threads of misery and concern in his voice and shook her head mutely, "She is wife of the Councillor Chalce, and I think she has two children. No, I do not know what ails her."
"Could it be her children?"
"I don't know, but we need to get her out of here." She frowned, scowling at several woman whom had gotten too close for comfort. People still gathered in small groups around the square sending what they assumed to be inconspicuous glances towards them. "This is going to affect the town very badly." She added as an afterthought.
"Oh, it will do much more than that." She looked at him in shock," it will implant fear in our people's heart and fear will lead to doubt, and doubt will lead to unrest." A grim smile coloured his lips as he sighed wearily. "Is almost as if someone planned this, this happened at the worst time possible."
She mused his words silently, it did indeed seemed like a planned events. How or why, she couldn't fathom at all, would this the start to a political revolution? If so, why? Why choose Lady Braidwood? She shook her head as if to clear the mental fog, "well, at least Winter festival is coming. That ought to cheer people up, can you move her, Fael?"
"I could, but there is a chance I will wake her and that will be very troublesome. The best solution would probably be to get a healer and the Councillors."
As she stood up, preparing to go. Fael stopped her by taking her wrist in his left hand gently. "There is no need for that, Sirce. I have no doubt they already know about it."
Exasperation showed on her face as she plopped down again, "I want to do something, Fael. Not just sit here and wait for help." She growled softly and stood up in one lithe move and stalked off towards the bakery with tense steps.
The smell of freshly baked bread eased the lines of tension on her forehead.
"Sirce, deary! What would you like? You must be starving you poor child! And you handled that poor woman so well too!" Upon sighting her, the shopkeeper-Noelle swoop down on her like a hawk.
"My goodness, Noelle. Do you mother everyone in town?" Despite her gloom, she still managed to squeeze out a smile for Noelle.
"No dear, only the ones who need it." She smiled as Noelle pressed a still-warmed raisin loaf into her hands.
"Thanks Noelle!" She grinned and clutched the warm loaf to her breast and left the bakery in a much better mood that she had arrived in.
"Is that raisin loaf I see?" Fael's face lit up at the sight of the loaf in her hands, Noelle's raisin loaf were a local delicacy that was appreciated by all.
"Yup, here." She teamed off a chunk of the soft, steamy bread and threw it at Fael whom caught it with a raised eyebrow.
"I'm not a dog, you know."
"Just eat."She rolled her eyes and inhaled the yeasty scent before eating a corner of the remaining loaf. The hearty raisins and toasty bread warmed her heart and spirit, and the pair ate in companionable silence until her father and the city guards came to escort the sleeping woman away.
"Could you tell us what happened, Lady Sirce?" As soon as her father and the city guards were out of sight, the townspeople swarmed around them once again. Shadows of concern and excitement etched on their wind-blown cheeks, she stopped and left up her head. Pausing one moment and spoke aloud, her clear voice resonated powerfully across the whole square.
"I have no doubts many of you are curious and yet frighten about this morning's incidents," here she paused and swept the gatherers with her sincere emerald gaze, "My friends, I only know as much as you do. How she could have wept so brokenly, I do not know. Instead of concerning ourselves with things we cannot yet solve, let us prepare for the winter festival instead!"
She finished her speech in a whoop of exhalation and tendrils of pride and joy crept up onto her faces as she saw grins and smiles amidst the crowds, the fear had leeched away like the snow beneath the sun when the pair finally departed after many questions about the theme of this year's winter festival.
"Great job back there." He said when they reached a small hut by the far side of the town, is part was more isolated than the rest as it almost adjoined with the Lorwyne forest. Due to the tall tales and pores of the dangers in the Lorwyne, few dares to venture near it. Fael had found the hut a couple of months ago, hidden in a thick undergrowth of greenery and overshadowed by thick Maple trees.
"Yes well, someone had to do it because people starting eating each other." She smiled wearily and tugged her cloak closer against the sharp wind. "I didn't know you had candles burning in there, Fael." Squinting her eyes at the glowing amber light through the tiny windows, she turned to her companion with a worried look, "you know that could set fire to the hut and thus the entire forest."
"Oh, please. I'm not that stupid, Sirce. Why on earth would I leave a candle burning by itself." He snapped back testily, annoyed at being accused of something so trivial.
She deflected the accusation with another question,"Well that leaves us with an even bigger problem. If you didn't put the candle there, then who did?"
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Aaargh! (I'm going to deplete my limited knowledge of pirate greetings, soon.)
For someone who only learned to speak English five years ago, you write very well. As that is the case, however, I shall leave it to other reviewers to help you with your plot; I shall instead focus on correcting any grammatical mistakes you may have made.
This is probably a mistake caused by absentmindedness. It can easily be corrected though, as you simply need to join the two paragraphs, but only the quoted part of the last one.
The first underlined word is actually an adverb, not an adjective, so it should be usually. As for the second underlined part, that should be the beginning of a new sentence, and the third simply required a comma.
Here, your words were swapped, so just swap all and many back again.
The correct preposition is over, otherwise she is literally moving through the cobblestones, making her reminiscent of a ghost.
In this quote, the first underlined part should be a new sentence, the second requires a comma, and the third should not be a verb, but an adjective, therefore shocked.
The of is redundant and a which is missing.
interrupted - intercepted means "to stop, deflect, or seize on the way from one place to another."
Replace the underlined adjectival phrase with this one: "...in awe..."
Typo: injured
The word again is missing here.
Replace the second to last full stop with a comma.
Typo: It's
The comma should be a semi-colon.
Remember, you are writing in third person, so the past tense is always used in the narrative; therefore, it should be swooped.
I end here because the rest of the grammtical errors in your chapter mostly concern the comma splice error, which entails the use of a comma to separate two main clauses when a full stop, semi-colon or conjunction should have been used. I advise reading each of your chapters through whilst keeping this in mind. Other than that, your chapter was very well written. I enjoyed reading about Noelle the shopkeeper (
O.o I see you have been stalking my about page. Thanks do much for reviewing this story, James. I've given up on it but I'm thinking of re-writing it again. So thanks. ^^
I have a specific folder on my PC for dismissed ideas, so I know the feeling. Don't give up though; your story has much potential!
Hey Laure!
I betcha there'll be more to keep me reading in the future.
Hm, this was an interesting chapter. I am wondering what happened to make the lady so sad, which will be something interesting to see in the future. You've also introduced the winter carnival well as well. I think something cool might happen there ^.^Also, the ending of this was again pretty much a cliffhanger. You really do like those
I have more to say on this chapter as well. Quite a few nitpicks amongst other things. One thing that I see slipping in more and more is the switching from past tense to present tense. Make sure you keep an eye on that so it doesn't continue to get into the way of your awesome plot writing.
Another thing I've noticed you have a problem with is commas. Trust me this is a problem I have myself as well, and I've found it is much easier to pick out in other people's work. Make sure that you don't connect two separate sentences with a comma instead of a full stop. Especially when they are two completely different subjects in the sentence. So in this case, that comma should be a full stop and the word 'as' can be removed.
Comma needed after 'all'. A way to dig out where commas are needed is to read this aloud and see where you pause midsentence. Pausing places need commas!
This is a run on sentence. It means you've got far too many commas in one line and needs to be split up a bit more. So I suggest the first comma should be a full stop, and then put a 'she was' in front of utterly. And then the other comma could also easily be a full stop as well. And then at the beginning of the sentence it should have a 'It was a' so that it makes sense on its own.
This is merely a suggestion, but perhaps you should put the 'soon' after the word would instead, just to make it read smoothly.
I think you mean it's instead of is. I would get rid of the second 'this' and make it an its.
I really like Fael's character. He sounds like a cool, very empathetic character and a very good friend as well. But when it comes to Sirce, she isn't someone I really like so far as a character. Maybe this is an effect you wish to bring across or maybe not. If not, I will tell you why I think this. When we first see her, she is appreciating nature - which is nice. But after that we see her ordering people around, turning someone's emotions out to distract those around the person (without seeing much empathy from herself before she does so), seeing her kind of ordering Fael around a bit and then just taking from the shop and not staying longer, even though the bread was given to her. To me, she seems cold and calculating so far, and I think we need to see a bit more of her emotions. Let her linger in the shop with Noelle for a bit longer, so it doesn't seem like she comes in and takes something and leaves again. Make her feel for the woman before she thinks of ways to brush up the happening. I need more emotions from her that softer and gentle, before I can find myself really liking Sirce. Fael on the other hand, is easy to like, and very playful too ^.^ Let Sirce play along sometimes, because all I have from her so far is "stop it."
The seemed should be 'seem' in this case. Also, after the all and comma, maybe have a verb in there to connect the next part. Like 'she wondered if this would start a political revolution.'
Again, to separate ideas in one sentence. The first comma should be a full stop.
This is a case of switching between past and present tense. The swoop should be swooped.
I suggest making the 'whom' a simple who, because that makes more sense.
I think as a typo you put 'left up her head' instead of lift. The first comma should be a full stop. Also, the sentence that starts with 'pausing' doesn't make sense because it needs to have a direct person related to it. So say 'Sirce paused one moment and spoke aloud...'
Frighten should be frightened. You don't really need the and in here either, so I suggest you cut it.
It seemed surprisingly easy to change the people's spirits. It took only a few words and also no one spoke out against it or doubted. It's almost guaranteed that whatever you say during public speaking there is going to be one person who is swimming against the flow and not afraid to day it, at the very least. Maybe create a bit of opposition for Sirce, someone who is doubting and maybe sussing that she is trying to distract them. It would also make the feat seem greater when she has successfully changed their minds as well, giving more affect.
Also, in the chapter you use she a lot. It's okay to throw in her name a bit more, throwing in Sirce where you previously had she. It would be nice to see it a bit more mixed up in there ^.^
Dares should be dared.
Just a little quick thing: every question needs a question mark, regardless of how small! Don't forget
There needs to be a comma after the 'yes' as well. This can make the flow a bit disruptive though, because you'll have two distinctive pauses right after each other. I suggest you cut the yes and just have the 'well' there as the only pause.
Just as we did in the quotation above, we need a comma after the well here.
Phew, this review took a while to write
Deanie x
And also my longest review ever, according to the amount of characters!
xD, that was absolutely amazing, Deanie! <3 Thanks so much. Ah yes, I've been told several times that Sirce is an anal old lady. xP.
Hi there! Your wisely sage is here to give you some wisely advice! Hopefully anyway XD
I almost forgot about this -_- What a terrible sage I would be if I had! But I didn't, so here I am!
Is this part of the story is it just a quote to go along with the chapter? I'm a bit confused by this. If it's just a quote, you should put it in italics so that it'll stand out from the rest of the story.
I think you might be missing a word or something in this sentence. The first part makes sense. But the part I underlined seems to be an unfinished thought. Maybe if you take out the word 'yet' and change 'as' to a capital that would work better.
It should be 'effect' instead of 'affect' XD Don't worry, I mess this up 75% of the time. Just remember that effect is a result. You know, like cause and effect. Affect is basically everything else.
I see my name! I see my name!
Another wonderful chapter here! I really like the way you are continuing the story. This chapter also gives us a better look at who you're characters really are. I can tell that they're really important in their society. They were the only people to go and help the woman. I was expecting someone else to come along and tell them that they should just go home and not worry about it. But no one did. That was sort of surprising to me.
The only thing I thought this chapter was lacking was a description of the town. You did a great job with your descriptions when Fael and Sirce were heading down to the town. But after that you focused mostly on the woman and didn't spend much time on the descriptions of the town. For example, when Sirce stalks off to the bakery, that's all I know. I don't know if the bakery is close by or if she had to walk through the entire town to get there.
Overall this is a great continuation of your story. If you just add a few more descriptions this will be great! And I really can't wait to find out more about Fael and Sirce and what kind of world/society they live in. I'm hooked!
Mmm. The simile works, but it's such a random simile to describe the howl. Either nix it, or make it more suitable for your story (if you don't know what I mean by random, then do you remember the first time you learned about what similes are, and you use them randomly, like the sun is like a round orange in the sky? Back then when you use similes, you don't really consider if it fits or not, or if it has any real impact.)
Also, what exactly is this "trail of inevitable carnage"? Be more specific and expand on this more.
Another random simile. Come on, there's a terrifying howl heard across town, and you try to compare it to something like eager children during Christmas. It doesn't fit, it doesn't get me thinking "Oh snap, stuff's about to go down."
Avoids cliches please. It's like worse than using random similes.
Cacophony of whispers works quite well actually.
Why would they appoint a half-deaf person to stand watch at the clock tower? Aren't you just asking for trouble?
Huh? Sirce doesn't seem like someone that would smile at the misfortune of others.
Show don't tell?
OK, so there I have a big problem. How did Sirce and Fael (or whoever) deduced that the reason why Lady Braidwood's son died was because of a disease that existed years ago? There was like no post mortem being conducted at all. Also, if this was something similar to the Great Plague, don't you think there would be a lot of hysteria in the town? There would be strict curfews, new rules being in effect, people that show signs of sickness needing a rigorous check up etc.
Overall impressions:
Yea sorry, but I couldn't finish this. There's a glaring problem I have with this chapter that I need to address, and that's with the conflict in this chapter.
So you have Lady Braidwood's son, whom died mysteriously to some unknown cause, yet nobody bothered to do an examination on what the cause could be? And don't you think there would be more commotion and confusion over the incident? Something like that would be quite a rare occurrence and would most likely generate some gossip and unrest for some time, yet you have them just walk away after the initial shock, acting like nothing has happened.
After the conflict has occurred you've done like nothing to show the consequence of such an event. You spent like the last half of the chapter having Sirce and Fael flirting with one another, not caring about the incident that has just happened. So what's the point of even having the conflict in the first place if there's no follow up on it? I was expecting Sirce and Fael to be having a serious conversation about what has happened and discussing what could be the cause of it. Maybe they could even ofter to aid the doctors in some way in finding out the cause of death of the boy?
And lastly, I'm really starting to dislike Sirce as a character. She's so one dimensional and acts peeved for no good reason, and the only thing that she cares about is Fael and nothing else. If she cares about nothing else, then what reason is there for me to care about her?
Sorry if I sounded harsh but I just didn't like this chapter at all. When I was reading this, I had the impression that you didn't know how to continue or build on what you've established, so you just kept writing and hoped to get it finished as quickly as possible. You really need to slow down and really think about what you're writing. Consider more of the cause and effect: If something happens, there has to be a consequence. If there's little to no consequence, then you don't have a story.
Hope this helped.
Andy.
I've changed the chapter, is it any better?
I'll talk to you later about it. Kinda busy pondering over an assignment question atm.
Sure, have fun with that,