Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Jonathan
He finished pushing a book about the Berlin wall into the literature section as Mrs. Woodcock walked over slowly and patted him lightly on the shoulders. Wisps of silvery hair shook softly as she smiled at him,
‘You can go now, Jonathan. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon. “
He wondered warily what she would say if she knew what his afternoon was about, but he plastered on a smile and waved lightly as he stepped through the revolving doors and into the gloomy sky.
His destination was two streets down and a bus ride away, slinging the bag over his shoulders; he strode down the quiet pedestrian path with a distracted look in his eyes. Halfway through the bus ride, light rain started to caress the smog windows leaving translucent tears that criss-crossed the grime canvas.
But the time he got off the bus, it was full wind and hail; cursing silently he pulled the hood from his windcheater and raced like a half-drowned cat to the nearest building. Not ever caring about the blasted meeting anymore.
His cell’s sang out a theme song from Totoro and wondered silently, when his sister would stop taking his phone and changing the ringtone every five seconds.
“What?” He asked gruffly, wiping droplets of water off his eyes, eyeing the solid grey sky with clear disdain on his face.
“Get your damn arse over here, Jon.” Lach’s impatient voice screamed out at him through a cacophony of background noise, he held the phone away from his ear and sighed again. Running a hand through his drenched tresses and flickered the water onto the concrete ground.
“Dude, is shitting right now like crazy and I don’t know where the damn place is! Kai messed up the instructions, who the heck told him to give people instructions when he’s stoned!” Jonathan growled angrily as he prowled away, poking his head out into the rain now and then to see where exactly he was.
“Where are you?” Lach’s low timbre voice was clearer now, the background noise faded the faint thrum and he breathed a sigh of relief.
“I don’t know, man. Under some kind of building, there’s some kind of IGA across the street and a reserve named August John Reserve.”
There was short pause on Lach’s end as he conversed with someone else in a low tone, Jonathan shifted uneasily on the balls of his feet waiting anxiously for a reply.
“You ain’t far man, just walk to the end of the street you’re on. Turn left, we’re in the third house on the right.”
“Ok, gotcha.” Jonathan stuffed the phone back into his trousers’ pockets and dashed out into the pouring rain, catching glimpses of him in the mirrors on passing builders. This part of the town was unknown to him; he grew up in the richer parts of ordered gardens and meticulous clothing. Nothing like the dilapidated buildings that seem to cover every surface of this street, he caught glimpses of himself in the passing windows. A boy of average height dressed in an oversized hoddie in loose combat trousers running awkwardly in the rain, if someone had bothered to look closely. They would have seemed peeks of the cigarette pack bouncing up and down in the loose pockets. Unlike most kids his age, he didn’t smoke for coolness or because he was pressured into it, in fact he only did it because his parents forbidden him to do so. The reason he was involved with Rickon’s gang was the same reason, because his parents forbid these things and he will treasure and collect these snippets of sins. And one day, when he shoves them in their face, he will reveal in the glory of the surprise and shock on their ever-oh-so-impassive-masks.
And they say he’s an angel.
He ran pass the traffic light, they should have pulled it down. The streets were silent like a Friday evening in his house; the few people who prowled the streets were either punks with streaks of neon highlights or very old people in wheelchairs with the doomsday in their eyes. Reaching the end of the street took him approximately four and twenty three seconds by the count on his watch, finding the house took him apparently. Six minutes and fifty –five seconds as he knocked for the third time on the wooden door.
Lach completely ignored the fact that all the houses in Bowen Street were completely identical flats stacked up one behind the other on a block of land like dominos. But just as well, it wasn’t that hard after two annoyed couples and a rather flustered girl told him to get lost if he was one of ‘Rickon’s punks.’
Things accelerated quickly after that.
“Yo. Glad you could make it.” Lach opened the door on the fifth knock, a glass cup of clear liquid swirled a melodious tune with the ice cubs that clinked against the cup. “Vodka?”
“No thanks.” Jonathan pushed aside the cup; he’s had different snaps of alcohol throughout the three months of hanging out with Rickon. In a nut shell:
-Vodka is just basically rubbing alcohol that burns like hell.
-Scotch and Whiskey, not much better really, at least they taste nice with soda and juice.
-Tequila, is not half bad but it gave him a pounding headache the next door.
- Malibu rum was the real deal he liked it was a mixture of silken drink down his throat and leaves behind a pleasant buzz if he drank it in small quantities.
Ten minutes later, he stood squashed against the wall while a boy and a half-naked girl stumbled past him with their lips and joints locked around each other. He had more fun trying to figure how they were still connected than the fact that there were at least five other pairs of eyes trained on the girl’s butt.
“Oi, you got the thing?” Jonathan jerked violently at the meaty hand clamping on his shoulder, a trail of dark liquid snaked down his fingers as he fished out the cig pack and dumped it in a pimpled blonde’s hair. Scowling lightly at the spilled over liquid, he wiped his fingers on his jeans and set the glass onto the plastic table with a sigh.
The air was stuffy and sticky with the scent of sweat and flesh or flesh; loud punk music pulsed through the house as if the house’s life depended on it. The sight of gyrating bodies was an impossible sight to miss, and he wondered again why Lach even called him over.
The reason became clear several minutes later when someone passed a pack of packaged cocaine into his hands. Along with a slip of paper,
‘Deliver to 234 Rission Street, without fail.’
Emotions churned in his heart as he stuffed the package into his pockets with trembling fingers, this was no doubt his so-called ‘passage of rite.’ He tried to conjure up fear, anger or perhaps even resentment yet the roaring call of excitement devoured the other emotions as he half-jogged out of the house.
234 Rission Street, was one of the busiest districts in town.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Hey there Laure!
Wow... this was like a totally different style! Different time, place, world for all we know! We've got new characters, a new situation and I can't wait to see how the interlink and connect with Fael and Sirce's story even though they seem so... different xD I was so shocked to see the point of view switch at the top, it was literally a punch in the face. Noelle couldn't have put it any better. I also feel as if I owe you an apology here. I will only be doing nitpicks this time round because Noelle and squall targeted all things storyline wise that could possibly need editing. I hope to be more of a story reviewer in the next chapter, okay? Although I do feel as if technical things are something you could use help with, so this isn't too bad...
So let's begin!
Typo! 'But' should be by.
I think you mean even instead of ever.
Seeing as he onlu has one phone, I doubt the apostrophe and the 's' is needed at the end of the word 'cell.' Also, I rephrased this a little bit. Like so: His cell sang out a theme song from Totoro. He wondered silently when his sister would stop taking his phone and changing the ringtone every five seconds.
I noticed throughout this chapter you only mention the name Jonathan once. Only once. All the rest of the chapter we go through with 'he', 'his' and 'him.' Mix it up a little, add his name in there a bit more! It's always nice to be able to remember what the character your reading about is called
This sentence doesn't make sense because you haven't specified a subject yet. By that I mean we don't know who is doing all these actions. The 'his' here doesn't serve as enough. So the beginning of the sentence needs to be 'He ran a hand'. I also think you mean 'flicked' instead of flickered.
Typo! You mean it's
I suggest you make the comma a full stop (or if he is still shouting an exclamation mark.) And seeing as that sentence is phrased as a question, it needs a question mark at the end, not an exclamation.
As of the word 'feet' this needs to be phrased a little differently. We could change it so there is a comma in there. (Such as: Jonathan shifted uneasily on the balls of his feet, waiting anxiously for a reply.) But I think it would be better to simply re-word. Like so: Jonathan shifted uneasily on the balls of his feet as he waited for a reply. I cut the word anxiously because someone once told me the fewer adverbs you need in creative writing, the better. At least, for novels and such. Seeing as him shifting uneasily on his feet already demonstrates that he is anxious, I feel the adverb doesn't really add anything new to it, and is better removed.
*himself? I feel like this fits more.
The Problem arises once again (just when we thought it wouldn't show up in this chapter! Aww :'( Tis a shame) Anyways, I would make the comma a full stop and split these sentences. Is the second sentence even that necessary? A few lines previous to this one you mention that he can see himself in various reflections. Maybe you should move up the description of himself to there instead?
Typo *hoodie. Also I think you meant for the second in to be an 'and'. The ending of the sentence doesn't match what you've put in the first part, because there has been no previous mention of this 'someone else'. What you need to do is switch up the order so we get the mention we need and then the description of what they would've seen. So like this: If someone had bothered to look closely, they would've seen a boy of average height... etc.
You repeat sight here twice in the same sentence. I think you can get away with it, but if you want to word it differently you always can. I just thought to point it out.
Now, when we get to the party things get kind of confusing. I think Jonathan arrive in a house party and then everyone's dancing and so on and then he gets his message, right? Or doe she go into a house where there is a gang chilling out, and then later on the party begins? I am confused as to which it is. If the party begins a bit later, show the transition. If not, make sure you mention how crowded the room is at first. Because you mention there were five people there and the couple, I assumed there were about that amount of people, with Jonathan and his mate. That's all. Well, I am looking forwards to the next chapter and being correctly informed ^.^
Deanie x
Aaand just broke my review count record again xD
Hi there!
Oh my gosh, I am so so so sorry! I thought I reviewed this chapter already, but it turns out I didn't! D: Worse sage ever.
I really love this description. If I were writing this I would've just said that it had started to rain. But you went into superhero description mode and really showed us the rain falling down. Good job with this.
Wow, we've totally changed gears here haven't we? I think this is very interesting. There's no introduction or inclination that there's going to be a new character or a change in the scenery of the story. You just slam it in our faces and go on. And if there were any two worlds more different, it's definitely the one in this chapter and the one in the chapters leading up to this. I can't wait to see how Jonathon fits into this story.
I usually don't focus on grammar and spelling and all that, but I found many mistakes in this. They were all instances where you forgot a letter or put a comma where there was supposed to be a semi-colon. I think it's safe to blame typing too fast to catch those little mistakes. Just edit with a sharp eye when you do.
There was really only on thing I didn't like about this chapter.
I don't really understand what this means. It's in italics, so I am guessing that it is Jonathon's thoughts. But, he's not the one telling the story. This is written in 3rd person POV, so it can't possibly be Jonathon's thoughts. I think you should unitalicize (ah, we're making up words now are we?) it and keep it in regular text. Then it'll just be part of the story and it'll make a good transition between the rain covered streets and the gang's hideout.
I promise to review the next chapter sooner than later. Again, sorry for the late review! I can't believe I forgot I didn't review this :/
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
You're a wonderful safe, Noelle, ermmm....yes. My grammar has been slipping. *guulty look* Because I rush all the recent chapter.
The description of the weather is OK, however it doesn't invoke a mood per se. When it's raining, what do you associate it with? Sadness? Bad luck? Foreshadowing that something bad is going to happen? To be a better writer, you have to go beyond just describing something; you have to also invoke an emotion or idea. You say the sky is gloomy, but can you expand it further? One idea is to tie the weather with Jonathan's emotions (E.g: Are things not going Jonathan's way as of late, and does that have something to do with the people he's going to meet?)
So this is OK in giving some idea that these people have a bit of a rough exterior, but it is too universal to even suggest to me that these people are gang related. The way the people are talking here and their mannerisms can pretty much be applied to wide spectrum of people.
I like how you were able to describe what he was wearing without breaking out of the flow. That said, what was described here did nothing to make me care for this character. He seems so ordinary and plain.
I looked back up a bit and saw this, then thought to myself "Why isn't this shown in Jonathan's character instead of being info dumped here?". Also, don't you think this bit in a way contradicts the ordinary and plain description you gave him? This bit here seems to give the idea that he is from a well off family and does fairly well at school, yet for some reason he decided to join a gang.
Come to think of it, don't you think this would make a far more interesting character? A boy who is somewhat a geek and is from a wealthy and well off background decides to go to the city's slums to be part of a gang, or an ordinary and plain boy wanting to be part of a gang?
The first one is far more interesting isn't it? I actually would be interested in knowing why the boy would want to live such a contrast in lives.
What? His reasons for doing things make no sense at all. He does all these things because his parents forbid it? Where is the motive behind it? Generally teenagers follow gangs for 1. Wanting to belong to something 2. They want to be part of something big 3. They want to prove their worth. I'm guessing Jonathan's reason is one or a combination of these things?
Like dominos is a horrible simile to use here. My mind jumped right away to some kind of game when I saw that. Totally inconsistent with the mood you are trying to set up. Think of another simile that suggest uniformity without taking us out of the picture.
Also, I'm getting the house is in some really messed up part of the city right? So far, you've described like what...only two types of people, but what about the actual surroundings? I expect to see things like craters in the road, or like some of the shops' windows to be cracked/broken, or like some gang members playing basketball with the boom box playing off rap music etc etc. This area will have some gang related activity going on right? Then show me it. You can have identical flats and silent streets in the well off parts of the city too you know?
You can't integrate all this into his character instead of listing it in bullet point? What is this, a slide in a power point presentation?
I notice that sometimes in your writing, you use words which are too informal to be appropriate in a novel.
For example, "squashed" and "at least five other pairs of eyes trained on the girl's butt." These sort of things I would expect when you're just casually talking with someone you know, not in a novel -.- It just degrades the writing on the whole.
...What? Pick one emotion and stick with it...Excitement seems to be the best one to focus on for this situation.
Overall impressions:
So this chapter definitely flowed better than the last. The amount of plot holes has decreased, but for an introduction chapter to a new character, I don't really expect there to be potential for plot holes. On the whole, it's one of the better chapters; at least there is some progression in the plot. That said, there are a few things which I wasn't too fond of which I felt let you down.
Firstly, there is a drastic change in tone in this chapter compared to the previous chapters. It goes from reading like a fantasy novel to something I would expect in realistic fiction. That, and all the sudden use of swears and loose language makes me feel that it tries too hard to be something that it's not. I can accept this going from high fantasy to urban fantasy, but remember, even in urban fantasy, there should still be a hint of mystery and intrigue when the weird stuff isn't happening. For example, near the end you said Jonathan is assigned to deliver something to someone. There, why can't you have something like one of the gang members telling him that a weird person resides there and that there have been some abnormal activity going on in that area ever since said person started to reside there? See, mystery and intrigue!
As for your swearing and loose language, it feels inconsistent to have swearing in this chapter, but no swearing in the others. Keep your age group in mind when writing this. Here's a tip: You don't need to have your characters to be swearing heavily to demonstrate them to be hard and aggressive. The dialogue and the way they live will show that. I've also pointed out some bits where your language is very loose to the point of being too informal. Be sure to remedy that.
Secondly, how you portray Jonathan, the gang life style and the city itself is too universal at places to the point that I feel no connection with your characters. The one sentence that I saw which I strongly feel you should develop further on is the idea of Jonathan being from a wealthy and well off family, who is a geek at school and is somewhat a loner, for whatever reason decides to join a gang. Lots of potential for characterization there.
As well as the things I mentioned in my line to line, there is one big place where I feel you could of expanded on, and that's how Jonathan interacts with some of his gang mates. For example, when he was in Lach's house, you showed a lot about people making out and doing ill things (btw you could have probably described this bit more maturely) but nothing on how their relationship worked. Maybe Jonathan's job is to help Lach sell and distribute drugs to potential buyers? Perhaps ever since the mysterious person showed up in said address, there have been less potential buyers for whatever reason, and that forces Lach to be in some contact with said person, and one day Lach decides to send Jonathan on this potentially dangerous errand?
Let's face it, you have Lach practically pushing Jonathan to come here, so he must be a very reliable person to Lach, and that they have some sort of good partnership going on right?
What you have right now, you have Jonathan just show up at Lach's house, and he just randomly gives him the package like he's just another one of his runner boy, when in fact any runner boy that he is in contact with would suffice. Yet, he specifically chose Jonathan, and he was chasing him down as though Jonathan was his gay lover or something xD Point is Jonathan is important to Lach to him right? So show why that is the case. Excellent opportunity for characterization here.
Overall though, I'm interested to see how you'll tie in the gang life and systems with the magical one that is in the form of Sirce, Fael and the parallel magical world. I quite like the idea, it has a lot of potential. But Jonathan needs to be a far more interesting character than just an ordinary boy wanting the gang life, and you need to have a far better grasp of how gang life works. Also, remember to write things more maturely and tactfully, and that you are writing an urban fantasy, not a realistic fiction involving gangs.
Hope this helped.
Andy.
Very well written
O_O Thank you.