She blinked.
Sounds dimmed, lights faded.
The words glided into her mind softly before exploding in a cacophony of confliction and confusion.
Leave Avignon, as if you have a choice. Her mind scoffed derisively, tendrils of doubt tightened the wisps of freedom in an iron cage.
She let out a shaky breath, feeling as shaken as the leaves that trembled outside in a sudden shaft of winter wind. Her storming mind slowly ceased to a hum as she gazed up into Fael’s sheepish and concerned gaze, aware of the dust mites that swirled in a lazy dance above his chestnut hair.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured fiercely, as if the force of the words could drive out the impact that had been made. “It was completely out of order.” He added in as an afterthought, and firmly pulled her up to her feet.
“No, is fine. I just feel out of sorts today.” She picked the book up from where it lay on the shelf and tucked it into the crook of her elbow; sadness flitted across her features at the few books that scattered the dust-coated shelves.
In bygone days, those shelves burst with gleaming jewels of lore and wisdom, and she would admire how the sunlight’s ray would illuminate the golden letter that bordered the spines and the smooth silken sensation beneath her fingertips as she ran her hand across them lovingly.
She snapped out of her reverie by abruptly coughing and refocusing her gaze to one of the four-legged tables that lined the centre of the library. “Should we go?” She asked, indicating to the polished tables.
“And be squashed by a bunch of male parakeets? I’d rather not, my lady.” He swivelled his eyes around the library, causing his chestnut hair to flop boyishly on his forehead and she was suddenly distracted by those few locks of brown.
“I’d rather sit with the dust mites, at least they aren’t superficial.”
She snickered quietly, throwing a glance at the gathering ambassadors and lingered behind Fael. Though her mind supressed the gathering tendrils of fear at seeing so many. Judging by the colour and features, they seemed to have to come from Starash, Mellowdye and Shorca and whatever is happening out there, is something that will change the land.
She sighed mentally, if that was even possible and slid down beside Fael, glancing disdainfully at the trail of grime mixed with dust that swirled above her head.
"This is stupid, I can't believe we are really searching up is weird, mythical lady because some lady popped out of nowhere." Sirce groaned into her hands as they sat down on the mahogany floorboards.
"Stupid is my middle name, let’s do this.” He grinned, and reopened the book to the first page. "Let's start from the beginning and see what this book is actually about. Since the title got eaten by all the dust and time."
She nodded as a small frown tugged at her lips, somehow this book emitted an uneasy feeling and she wasn't sure why. Shaking away the web of doubt, she skimmed the first page then the second one as Fael flipped. It seemed to be a lore on how Alsace was created and its stories that was passed down.
"This book is weird, man." He frowned, squinting at the faded, cursive words. "It says that our world was built on another world's memories and a stone, called the time stone holds that memory and gives us longevity."
"What?" Confusion coloured her tone as she peered over his shoulders, “what on earth did you just say, it sounded like complete nonsense to me."
He scowled silently and bent closer, "we'll, I probably omitted quite a lot of details. This slid text is so damn fancy. Who the hell writes like that."
She detected the traces of resentment and self- hatred in his voice and silently cursed herself. She had forgotten that Fael did not have an education like her, he learnt his words from reading the collection of books his father had. Though adequate enough to recognize enough words to make a living, he was not educated in the older language of Alsace. Back in the days in the kings' reign, lores and myths were written in the Bard tongue. Though consisting of the same grammatical and letters, the ordering and phrasing of words were different. Thus making it difficult to read. As the child of the first councillor of Defence, these lessons were ingrained into her childhood.
"Here, let me have a look." She didn't let pity show through her tone. Knowing he would detest it, and merely stated it. He pushed the book over gently, the sound like dry leaves scraping across the ground.
Now she had the full and not peripheral version of the page, it was indeed about the supposed creation of Alsace. the official scrolls of the creation of this land was destroyed in the great fire of of Xis, since then many theories have sprung up. Some more ridiculous than the other. As of this one, might be the strangest of all. Fael wasn't much off; in fact he retrieved most of the essential facts but missed out on the details.
The land of Alsace was created from the ruins of another civilization. The first king to this land rebuilt the land on the ashes of the ruins and it was said, with the help of another one. Together they forged a stone that would keep the land intact, it was said this stone was the time stone. The time stone halted the progress of time so that runs much more slowly, allowing longer longevity. The exact creation of this time stone is unknown as they were no mention, the exact working of the time stone is also unknown, ye the time stone is linked to another world. And the two worlds co-exist within each other.
“Flip it over, Fael.” She muttered distractedly then ran her eyes over the next page of words.
The two worlds relies on each other, however Alsace more than the other for the time stone extracts small memories from that world. It is said, that is the price for the decrease in time. Yet ironically, the two worlds are closed to each other yet there are those, name Seers (to be changed later, seers is a horrible name.) whom can create portals that opens up the two worlds. Those seers are different to –
Her lips let out an inevitable groan as the ink trailed into the faded paper and disappeared altogether. Frustration coursed through her blood as she glared defiantly at the book, as if by pure will she can make the words reappear before her eyes.
“I don’t like this book.” She glanced up at him with a scowl on her lips that promptly broke into confusion as Fael erupted into tiny fits of giggle.
“What’s so funny?” She raised an eyebrow, feeling somewhat irritated.
“You sounded like a kid being snatched of his favourite candy.” He gasped in a high-pitched voice before another fit of giggles burst from his lips at the expression on her face. She continued to gaze at him coolly and watched as his giggles died down to a cough.
“So, what did you read that was so fascinating?”
“Yes, what indeed.” A low, gruff voice broke in through the silence like a shard of glass. The pair froze in apprehension as a tall shadow loomed over them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey there Laure! Yep, it's me again ^.^
I can't wait to see who has come up behind them, and judging for their reaction it probably won't be the best news in the world for them. Also, the interactions you have between Sirce and Fael here are lovely, especially at the end where Fael is laughing at Sirce and then kind of peters out. xD Just how best friends would act, in my opinion. Another thing I really liked was the descriptions of the books and dust, with the pair sitting in a corner. Beauitful wording to make lovely imagery <3
Another cliffhanger D: You just love those things don't you
The beginning made me wonder why they can't leave Avignon. Is it everyone who can't leave? Or is there just something personal tying Sirce down to this place? I want to know! I also am eager to know what the councilor of Defense actually includes as a job, and what Sirce actually does. Things to be mentioned and worked through in future chapters, perhaps? I feel like the whole idea of how the town works and functions is still kind of vague because we've been so focused on what is happening to Sirce and Fael directly. We haven't had the time to zoom out and get the big picture yet, which is something I am hoping will happen soon.
Another thing is, we are getting pretty focused on Lady Glass here. I can see how it is important for having the story unravel and all - but don't forget about the lines you threw us at the beginning! I can see them kind of fading away, so I hope you bring up the lady who was crying in the street and the Winter fair/carnival again soon, because it needs to be brought back into the light. Just some minor things. But if they aren't really needed, then maybe don't focus on those side things too much at the beginning?
I was a little disappointed with this cliffhanger. You threw us a really good hook that managed to spark my curiosity and all. Fair enough, you did start with this, and showed us Sirce's confused thoughts. But after the Fael's apology she just seems to forget about the matter and it's brushed to the side and forgotten about. I mean, her best friend just asked her this outrageous question! It should be swirling through her thoughts. Doesn't she question his motive, the reason why he would ask such a question? Not running the full meaning and consequences of such actions through her mind? (This could tell us a bit more about how her society works as well.) My suggestion here is just to run with this line a little bit more. Okay, time for some nitpicks instead of picking at the story xD
This should be 'no it's fine.'
There does need to be a comma after the word 'possible.' Because of that necessary comma, I suggest you have a full stop before the word glancing instead of that comma, and make the lines two sentence. So something like 'Sirce glanced disdainfully... etc'. It doesn't have to be split in two, it's more an optional thing. Your choice ^.^
The Problem has a come back! You need a full stop instead of a comma.
Like the situation up in that quote, this should be a full stop as well.
Man, does Sirce have a lot of hunches!
It's kind of her superpower, isn't it?I suggest you use this mark ; instead of the comma. I should really learn what it is calledComma needed before the word 'then'.
You accidently switched the word order of the words 'holds' and 'that'. All you have to do here is switch them back
Remember that even though a question is in the middle of a sentence, the question mark is going to have to show up somewhere. If you don't feel like it fits at the end, maybe the sentence needs to be split somewhere in the middle so you can include it. Here I would replace the comma with a question mark, so it isolates the question and we can actually use it. It doesn't fit too well at the end of the sentence.
Typos! I think you meant well instead of 'we'll' and silly instead of 'slid'. Warning: question here needs question mark!
Hehe, again you should use the ; thingy.
This was simply worded awkwardly. I got the gist of what you meant, but it could've been better said. I have a suggestion, but you might want to do something similar and not quite like this. Which is also perfectly alright. Mine is: She didn't let pity show through her tone because she knew Fael would detest it. Instead she merely stated what she wanted.
One thing I feel like I mention a lot (but just because you can't edit all the chapters ahead of me reading them, I think it's alright that you can't change these yet) is the he and she. You do use those words an awful lot, and I really think it would be nicer if you throw even more Fael and Sirce in there instead.
Typo! You mean 'yet', methinks.
There needs to be a comma after the word 'other'. Also, you use yet twice in this sentence as well. How about making the second one a 'but' instead? Also, because of past tense it should be named, not name
Hm, I am unsure of myself here, but would this work better as a question? You tell me, I think it's up to how you want us to read it!
Okay, my last comment on this chapter. It's that this seemed a little bit info dumpy. There is quite a lot of information in here, but then you have a good reason as to why. I mean, they are reading an informational book after all. I suggest you mix it up a bit though. Maybe have her reading the first paragraph out to Fael, so we have some dialogue in there? And then to mix it, instead of having the italics, maybe Sirce becomes so absorbed in the words she trails off and starts reading in her mind (basically just narrative, no italics necessary) due to focusing so much.
I actually like the name Seers. It just seems to fit somehow, in my opinion.
Deanie x
OK so I notice that you do this quite often. I'm really against descriptions that go "of (insert abstract noun here). Why? I would dare say that it breaks the show don't tell rule. Your intent is to show the said emotion in some way, but saying "of said emotion" isn't showing, that's downright telling.
I also generally don't like similes/ metaphors. Why? The comparison that you make can be something really random and feels tacked on when you consider the context. Take this for example, a simile to describe the wave coming over someone: The wave loomed over me, like an ant about to be squashed by a giant foot. The comparison makes sense but it is so random and tacky, and has no relation to context. Ask yourself: Does your simile here have any link to the context of the story? Does it feel random or tacked on?
What? How can someone murmur something fiercely? The two words pretty much contradict each other.
If I said something that I regret a few seconds later, I would actually make more of an effort to conceal what I meant or make it seem less harmful, or joke a bit to ease the tension.
What? Fael said something that totally caught her off guard, and she can dismiss it so easily? I would think that Sirce would question Fael a bit after that random as out burst from nowhere. And even after that, I don't think Sirce could look at Fael the same way (by that, I don't think Sirce would forget about the incident).
No this isn't characterization, that's you describing something really random and redundant to pass it off as that. Remember you have to ask yourself if what you're saying is related to the context of what's happening.
Even your characters are admitting the search was stupid. They wouldn't be saying that if there was more of a legetitimate reason to the search than just "And old lady appeared in their spot." What about instead "An old lady warns them about something bad happening in the forest, and it's somehow related to the death of that lady back in chapter 2." See? A much stronger reason to go on this research trip.
This is interesting stuff, but it's all spilled out in just one paragraph. Show, don't tell?
Overall impressions:
No offense, but in your recent chapters, not a lot really happens. Most of this chapter was just casual chit chat between your characters. Now there's nothing wrong with characters talking to one another, except the things they talk about don't hold any intrigue or conflict, or things that show more about them as a person and their motives. What would interest the reader more? When Fael and Sirce are having an argument, or talking about some deep stuff, or when they are just chit chatting.
You had two points in the story that I felt would validate the existence of this chapter if you had built on it some more: 1. Sirce's reaction to Fael wanting her to leave with him and 2. The lore.
For 1, there was heaps of room for tension and characterization here, but you decide to end that point/ save it for later by having Fael take back what he said like a wimp and saying sorry, and Sirce just like "Oh, no problem friend," and shook it off like nothing happened. What the heck? If someone caught me off guard with a demand like that, I would actually be quite bothered about it for a while and will ask questions about it. I also probably would have a different view on said person.
For 2. The stuff in the lore is interesting, but it's all info dumped in 2 paragraphs. I think all this information can be better shown and integrated into the writing. Otherwise, it just loses all its intrigue and mystery.
In the end though, I think that when you are faced with a situation where you have to expand on a plot/character point of intrigue, you tend to take the easy way out by either delaying/ prematurely ending it or info dumping it instead. If you wish to better your writing, you have to learn to take the more difficult bits head on and do your best to expand on it. Hope this helped.
Andy.
Hi there! You're wonderful, dedicated sage is here for a review!
So you've changed the title of the novel, huh? Interesting. I looked up the word 'renatus' on the internet and I found out it's a name of Latin origin that means "born again". I don't know if you knew this or not, but if you did know that, I can't wait to see how someone or something is born again in this novel.
Another cliffhanger! Everything I've read today seems to have a cliffhanger. I'm a huge fan of cliffhangers though so it's okay. This a good cliffhanger too because it seems that you're on the brink of introducing a new character. I like how you are introducing this character. It's definitely something out of the ordinary. Well, I've seen people introduce characters like this, but not often.
Your story is progressing well. It's interesting that you mention the thing about Fael not being as educated as Sirce. I didn't think that there was a sort of hierarchy among people of this world like that. Not only does it tell us more about Fael, but it also tells us more about this world that you've created.
Speaking about this world that you've created, we haven't learned much about it. I sure hope that we learn more about it in future chapters. I have a good idea of what this world is like, but I'd like to know more. I hope Fael and Sirce find out what they need to find out soon. I'm looking forward to some action and the plot moving forward
I can't wait to read more of this!
I'm really trying to focus on the story in my review rather than just the grammar and spelling and all that. If there's anything specific you'd like me to look for in future chapters, let me know!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Ah, that title is indeed intended and I learn Latin as well, xP, so I might include some Latin stuff later on. Ah, you're probably right about describing the world more too. Thanks Noelle!
Alsace, Alsace, Alsace, Alsace, Alsace, Alsace!!! (instead of Versace)
Great job, thanks for sharing, and NEVER STOP WRITING!!!
*realizes you might not have gotten that joke* *sighs*
*realizes you might have gotten it* *fist pumps*
ANYWAYS,
Wasup, Laure! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this Amazing April Review Day!
*clears throat*
First things first, I commend you on your longevity here. I know from experience that one of the hardest things to do as a novelist is to stick with it and keep your novel going while still keeping the readers and yourself interested. Just by the sheer fact that you've been able to produce five chapters, I can tell that you've invested lots of time, energy, and thought into this. Great job sticking to it.
One of the things I liked most about this chapter was the dialogue. Dialogue is one of the things that I try to place a lot of emphasis on with my own short stories and novels. I think that good dialogue is a very important part of any novel or short and can work wonders towards the development of your characters' personalities and internal (as well as external) conflicts. From reading this chapter, I was able to gather a pretty good sense of your characters and the world they come from. There seems to be this overlying tone of nostalgia and quiet anxiety or confusion about the future. Great job of mirroring your characters' feelings with your diction and syntax.
SPEAKING OF SYNTAX, yours is fabulous. Like, seriously, I love long, descriptive sentences and I use them A LOT. I don't know exactly what it is, but it just doesn't feel right to me when there isn't enough pizazz in a piece and when a sentence doesn't flow. I also like to use long, drawn out syntax because I think it allows you to take it a step further with your descriptive elements and to produce pieces that aren't only interesting to a reader, but also aesthetically pleasing. If you've read The Great Gatsby, you know what I'm talking about.
Random tidbit here: You also did a good job of keeping the story moving forward and not dragging your reader along, but pulling them instead. I think it's important for writers (especially when writing novels) to keep the reader engaged with the characters and the story. Often, as is the case with this novel, writers create their own realities and let their imaginations run wild. You've done a swell (omg i just used the word swell! yes!) job of immersing your audience into this reality and keeping them excited about what on Earth will happen next. Cliffhanger ending help with this lol, so good on the end. Like seriously, if there's a chapter six I'm sooo down to read that. Well played, Old Sport.
The only real piece of constructive criticism that I have for you here is that I think you should go back and fix up some really minor word choice errors. When writing in the descriptive and drawn out way I mentioned earlier, it becomes increasingly important to choose the most effective words to get your point across. This is when we, as writers with this kind of style, really learn that ever single word in the English vocabulary is different in some way and that each one can have a different effect on the tone and feeling of a work of literature. Words are beautiful, just like people. *wipes single shining tear* If you go back and find that you've used all of the perfect words to convey what you were going for, then you're golden!
Overall, this was an awesome chapter and a very refreshing read. It was really cool to see someone else who values the long, beautiful, and descriptive.
Hi! there Laure
..
I liked how you've written and described your characters, especially, refreshing and informing us about their capabilities-- like Sirce is more knowledgeable in reading than Fael.
I just have seen a few typo's here:
I suppose you mean "it's" here. Then,
capitalization of letter T here.
This seems to be a Historical-fiction, a travel back in time setting. That makes it more exciting and riveting. Looking forward to your next works..
Keep writing