Renatus - chapter eight, part one

Hey there Laure!

Me again :3 I am determined to become all updated on this novel as soon as possible, so I just need to wait until you post new chapters! I thought this was an interesting chapter. I actually like the switch to first person, it helps make Sirce's character more close to the reader and she seems a lot less hostile already. I think this was a good choice in change, for personality as well. Out of curiosity alone, I wonder what brought on the sudden change?

I liked the introduction of this strange boy as well, I wonder how he is going to play into the story? His clothing and accent and smell... all add to my wonderment. I best read the next part to find out, huh?

the story of us breaching Starash’s grounds and is responsible for someone’s disappearances didn’t have enough

I think the word 'is' here should be changed to 'being'. Also, bear in mind that this sentence is really long... maybe choose a point to split it somewhere in there?

Now, for this chapter I feel like you skip over quite a bit. I want to see these officials around the table arguing everything out. I want to see Sirce and Fael standing there, fidgeting, as their future is being decided for them and they can't lift a finger in defense, but just have to wait and see. I want to know which officials are on the side of them being committed for treason and which aren't. I want to know why some of them want to target Sirce and Fael so badly. Are they are on the bad side of many people? Do people not like their friendship or do they pose a threat to them somehow? I want to know! I really like your cliffhangers, but you can't jump over the suspense parts, because you build up to them and fail to execute them after this. Which is really frustrating because they could add so much more spice to your story! So make sure you keep on including it here as well

“Is a crazy day.” I nodded my consent, wondering what I’m going to do tonight. The prospect of facing my father just isn’t tempting at the moment.

Don't you mean it's a crazy say? Also, don't forget this is all still in past tense. You're tense jumping again. This should be: facing my father just wasn't tempting at that moment.

if he says is important than is important.”

Again, do you mean it's? Or is this just the way people in Avignon talk and I am missing something?

The day had wearied me beyond what I had thought, without the presence of Fael that apparent hunger and pain in my legs were more than obvious.

The Problem has returned to plague this chapter as well D: Let's eradicate it quickly! All you have to do is change the comma into the punctuation-mark-with-no-name... This one! ;

and a crimson-gold vest strained across his muscular covering half of his three-quarter

I think you mean muscles instead of muscular, and you should really have a comma after the word muscles as well, to have a break in the sentence. Aside from that small correction, the description here was brilliant. I loved it <3

I took a step forward, and surveyed the space between me, the stranger and my way to safety. Not well.

Don't you mean not good? If you mean not well, then you would be referring to Sirce doing a bad job of surveying the space. If you mean not good, then you would be referring to the fact that she surveyed the space between them, and it isn't leaning towards Sirce's favour.

His attire was not of any local region around Avignon, were those blood stains on his vest?

The Problem! Either add the word 'and' before the were, or have a full stop and make these two separate sentences.

and manipulates it so it becomes part of your shield

Tiniest nitpick in the world, but there is no need for an 's' at the end of manipulates.

“Are you perhaps lost, I can show you the way out.”

I suggest you make that comma a question mark.

I wonder why he was in Avignon without a guide

Past tense warning: wonder should be wondered!

“Where are you here?”

You did this twice I think you mean why instead.

I am of course

I think you are missing the word 'here' in between the am and of.

Other than those, I couldn't think of anything else to add. I just wanted to see a bit more of the cliffhanger you previously fed us, and some nitpicks to tidy up! One to the last chapter!

Deanie x

The rest of that meeting didn’t go well, at all. The Council switched between accusations and silent glares before finally deciding that despite the two witnesses he had called forth, the story of us breaching Starash’s grounds and is responsible for someone’s disappearances didn’t have enough physical or any evidence to be held against us. Not surprising, since I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about either.

Right now I'm not too worried about this, but when you start improving this, you might want to consider this. So I dislike how the entire legal procedure was skipped. It would of provided more info on how this council operates and the various personalities on the council. Also, you had the Lord making a bold claim that they were lying, but you skipped out on the whole conflict of the Lord trying to get them into trouble, and Sirce and Fael trying to defend themselves. What's the point of having the Lord fire the shots if you have no intention of making him out to be one of the antagonists?

I couldn’t quite discern the annoyance or the sarcasm in the tone, and tugged the cloak closer. Twilight falls, and the atmosphere drops from the cool to downright chilling.

Her tone sounds too much like someone from a realistic fiction novel. It's kind of hard for me to take in that Sirce is from another world to us (let alone a character from a fantasy type novel).

“The old man’s waiting, says he’s got something important to tell me. So I’d best leave early.” He shifted uneasily on his feet; chestnut eyes roamed the faraway hills with anxiety.

How am I going to get through the rest of the night without him?

I know they are close, but I can't imagine Sirce being clingy to Fael. I imagined more of "appreciation" for Fael's presence than being clingy.

I watched for several seconds as his cloak weaved and fluttered between the scattered crowds before finally disappearing into the shadows.

Here, I should be experiencing some of Sirce's feels, but I don't. The big question that still pops into my mind is as to what gestures of friendship Fael has shown to Sirce. I don't recall a time Fael has stood up for her in any shape or form, or consoled her when she's feeling down.

And with that sentence, it got me thinking: Don't you think Sirce and Fael would at least feel pretty exhausted and a little upset after being on the chopping block like that? I would think that either Fael notices she's feeling down, or Sirce would bring it up. And so they'll talk over what had happened, and Fael would try to comfort her.

But instead, the way you've written it, it's like those two have finally gotten out of school after a long and boring day and just want to go home. That's just silly. Like come on, they've been falsely accused and set up by the Lord; that has ought to have some impact.

Well, at least I sounded much better than I felt.

So she is upset about the whole thing, so why didn't you have Fael notice it or have Sirce talk it over with Fael? Just saying that she sounded better than she had felt is like telling instead of showing.

“How may I help you?” I took a step back and regarded him coolly, despite the raising columns of fear in my mind. Who was he? His attire was not of any local region around Avignon, were those blood stains on his vest?

I would actually be more caught off guard at something like this and would ask who he was.

“Are you perhaps lost, I can show you the way out.” I hope the hope in my voice wasn’t that obvious, yet judging from the strange glint in his eyes. It probably was.

“The way out.” He repeated them, slowly. “Where?”

“Oh!” the sigh of relief was unmistakeable as I took a few more steps, and was acutely aware of arid smell that enveloped him and immediately flinched. “Just turn around and follow the path out, you will emerge into the town square.” My voice probably sounded very nasal since I was trying to hold my breath in.

OK but before all that, don't you think that Sirce would want to know exactly who this person was and what his agenda was, considering she has never seen him before, and that she is from a foreign place?

“Where am I here?” He paused and as he turned, the scarlet twilight turned his face a fearsome mask of blood and molten liquid. “I am of course, to see you, m’dear.” He whispered with a voice as beautiful as heart break, a voice that took my breath away.

The way you worded it, it's like Sirce is disappointed that the guy wasn't what she had expected. Not really appropriate when you're about to be attacked by a flipping monster.

Overall impressions:

If I had to choose whether I liked this chapter or the chapter 7, I would of chosen 7. In 7, there was at least some serious attempts at writing. I liked that you were trying to set up a mood, and there was some plot progression in the form of Jonathan going to his mate's house to carry one out one of his requests, and to potentially cross paths with Sirce. Instead of having logical inconsistencies, you know have these places in your writing where you decided to skip over, either because you don't know how to make it realistic enough, or you don't know how everything will pan out.

Like near the start, you have your characters act quite dismissively about the whole court trial they've just went through. You also didn't show the trial procedure which eventually determined their innocence. And with the Lord, not once was he brought back up. You just have him randomly say "Oh they are lying" and he was never heard from again. Why even have him fire the shots if you aren't going to build him up as one of the antagonists of the main characters?

The whole encounter with stranger danger was rushed as well. If there was someone wandering near the town whom you've haven't seen before, and that you can identity them as being someone from a foreign place, I would actually first be asking about who they are, where they're from, what they are doing etc before I actually try to them them (unless if the person was badly injured, in which case I would be helping them first before asking questions later. And even if I'm to help the person, I would have pretty close tabs on them). The way you had it played out makes no sense. You have Sirce actually offering to help lead the person into the right direction, like he was some new exchange student lost in Sirce's school or something. She made like no precautions in the case the stranger should turn on her.

Anyways, I don't think writing the story out in first person actually helped you out, because it still feels rushed, and at times kind of filler in places. I think for now, sticking with having some modern elements in your story would be more beneficial to you. Chapter 7 had some of your best writing to date. I was actually interested in what was happening and would happen, and it actually didn't derail into filler. I guess it's because you could relate with the setting and the characters more easily?

Try stopping this chapter for now, and going back to where Jonathan's story left off. Right now, I'm more interested in Jonathan scampering his way to the address given by his mate, how he will make his way into the fantasy world, his sense of bewilderment and wonder when he first experiences the fantasy world, and his first meeting with Sirce. I say this, because there would actually be more actual plot and conflict in hand, and you wouldn't be as inclined to skip important things out. I think in your spare time, you need to do some research as to how the non modern elements would play out (such as the court trial, that would take more of a Victorian-era approach imo).

Hope this helped.
Andy.

Heyo Laure, happy review day! Subtle here to kill your work.

Hm, let's start off with a little plot summary. I don't know where you're heading with this, at all. Because everything just seemed to be happening at once and is all very chaotic. One chapter you suddenly switched to Jonathan's POV without any relation to Sirce or Fael or really the story. But I guess you have your reason, with Sirce, her hair coloured has changed rather repeatedly throughout the chapters. At least I know is red, the same with her personality. My point is that, you need to stabilize your characters and get in touch with them, because I get the feeling that you're not exactly very in tune with it. Not only with their appearances but also in how they work. Their mind seems to a jumble of mixed-up thoughts, so you might want to figure out exactly what you want to do with the characters.

Now, plot-wise. This seems a tag unrealistic, this random stranger pops out of nowhere and no one notices him? Granted with the incoming crowd and all, but wouldn't they have needed to gone through at least some security measures what with the threat and all. Speaking of which, let's jump onto some technical stuff.

“Crazy, more like deranged.”

Crazy is spoken in a questioning tone, I assume. Then it should be a question mark, not a comma.

“Oh!” the sigh of relief was unmistakeable

unmistakeable -> unmistakable

Also, is unmistakable to whom? The stranger or to Sirce herself, if is herself it wouldn't really be unmistakable would it. because she had done the action. You might want to find another word.

“Where am I here?” He paused and as he turned, the scarlet twilight turned his face a fearsome mask of blood and molten liquid. “I am of course, to see you, m’dear.” He whispered with a voice as beautiful as heart break, a voice that took my breath away.

O_O Well ok, that happened. One minute -> I'm lost. Next minute -> Evil face, guess what, I'm here to kidnap you. .__. Really now? You know you could have developed and expanded the scene more. The transformation was so swift that it seemed completely ridiculous to me. And what is with his voice? Beautiful as heartbreak? This isn't Twilight, and that line is cliche as. You might want to reconsider your word choices again, though the pun at the end wasn't half bad.

Ok, so we've gotten all the bad stuff out of the way. Let's say some things I liked about your chapter. Well, the amount of suspense (getting rid of the plot holes and endless mountain of question) is building up rather nicely. I am indeed intrigued by what is going on at the moment, especially with Jonathan and the man. Or is Jonathan the man? *gasps* Your dialogue skills aren't half bad they are flowing quite smoothly. Is just that your plot needs a bit of tweaking so the plot holes aren't filling the novel up. You also need to build up on your characters a bit, and what happened to Glass? I guess these questions will be answered later, earlier in the novel you were moving too slow, and now you're too fast. Find a balance, don't rush things.

Kudos~

-S.s