A/N: I've never done something like this, but I'm actually really really proud of it. Do your worst.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
you ought to be proud the work is just great.simple neat and full of emotions.
i just suggest you could probably change the title to " make hay while the sun shines" or something. however this title is fine as well use your opinion. again just awesome and i an still engrossed in the aftereffect so i can hardly express myself...
Uh... what's with all the abusive and manipulative side notes? Like, "There's nothing you can do to stop me." Or, "You will always come back wanting more." It just strikes me as such a threatening and ominous way to put things and kind of makes me wonder if it's not really love that they're falling out of, but a relationship based on co-dependency and fear. I'm not sure who is the aggressor/victim here since they both seem pretty messed up, but this doesn't quite seem like love. I'm not sure I like the poem because of this since I think it almost glamorizes an abusive relationship.
I also don't think the person on the right gets fair treatment. The person on the left starts when that person wants to start, but probably the reason for the person on the right leaving is for something that the person on the left doesn't want to admit and just wants to move past... which might even be from some physically abusive thing, even. I know this would screw with your format, but I kind of wish the person on the right started before and told that story and the person on the left finished last.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
"I also don't think the person on the right gets fair treatment. "
The person on the right said he/she gave him/her cold tea, why would they lie about that? Then the one on the left said they burnt their tongue on the hot tea suggesting the left is just a pity party. I'd guess most readers would read the left and feel empathy and on the right they would feel a small degree of anger. The poem could very well be about how we interpret things from people by conversational style.
I think that point is illustrated by the second stanza almost obviously.
Don't know if this makes much sense been studying all day
^^^
Honestly, in my opinion, the person on the left is the abuser. They're the ones that no matter how clear the person on the right makes it that they wanna leave, can't let them go. That's abuser behavior. It's a little different than the norm, but still. This is not about love. This is about obession. I'm not sure where you get it makes an abusive relationship looks cool or good. The last stanxa is devoted to how these people are still messed up a year after it's happened. "I can't even tell who's who" and the person on the left is still obsessed. I'm reading it over and over again and I see no glamourization. It's pretty laungue, yes. It's metaphors and poetry, yes. But it's still violent.
Ah. I was a bit confused because you liked the reviews that commended you on the romance part and I looked at the poem and I thought, "I see no romance here. Just abuse." So, I thought that you intended to make this a romantic poem about two people falling out of love so that people could empathize with this. And, the fact that people are looking at the poem and commenting on it that it could be romantic love is rather chilling to me.
Though, now that I think of it, you probably were just liking them because you appreciated the compliments and praise.
I do agree with the person on the left seeming to be the abuser. But, it is also very possible that the person on the right could be the abuser as well. (More on that thought later.)
What I mean by the person on the right not getting the fair treatment is, usually in these sorts of situations in which the victim feels "trapped" in an abusive situation, there is a light bulb that comes on that makes this person realize, "I need to leave." Right before I read your poem, I read this article, Inside the Batterer's Mind, which details both sides of the story. You should read it. What struck me were these two parts:
Spoiler
From her perspective:
You started with the left person and let the left person lead on. You didn't tell the snapping point of what made the other person feel the need to flee. That's why I said that it might be nice to see the right person tell that person's side of the story in what really happened.
I mentioned earlier that it could be that the person on the right is the villain abuser. A friend of a friend of ours with a nine-month-old baby had her fiance leave her because... oh, who knows? Having a baby definitely does stress the relationship at times because a baby takes so much work and sometimes you are just completely exhausted and it can be hard to keep up the relationship. So, on one level, I can kind of understand Still, the news was very sad to hear. I am a new mom, so I can readily imagine myself being too tired and, were my husband to leave me with a baby because the romance was gone and he wanted out and left without ever contacting me again, I would be so horrified. I would feel like he was just abandoning me and his child. And, were he to say that he wanted to leave, I would pretty much beg him to not go because this was just a temporary phase in which our child was just very time-intensive and I was just tired it would be better soon. I think that many people, if they found out that a new dad was walking out on a new mom because of a baby, they would cast the guy as a villain and not the other way around.
Of course, there is no context in the poem as to who these characters are (the characters remain in the abstract at all times) so you can't know who they are.
Contrary to what you seem to believe, I don't prefer reviews that praise me vs. reviews that challenge me and critque me. I'm a ballerina. Praise means you're not worth the time of corrections. I liked those reviews to remind myself that I've read them and I make a habit of always liking reviews on my stuff, because no matter how small the review, that person took time out of their day to review my work and I appreciate that. i've had a busy week and I didn't get around to replying to you till Monster commenting reminded me I needed too. Don't suggest that I am as shallow as to only care about the reviews that build me up. That is not who I am and that is not how I roll.
As for what you're saying-- this poem is not about the breaking point. It's about the aftermath. I think that's fairly obvious from the title 'in which two people fall out of love'. Sure, it'd be nice to have everything spelled out for you so that you know exactly what broke that person. But here's the thing-- everyone has their different breaking points. For some it takes years, for others it takes one thing. Poetry should affect you personally. What's your breaking point? Stick that in and try it on for size.
As for this story about children leaving... You're right, it has nothing to do with my poem. There is no children, no lasting connection outside of an emotional connection.
It could be read that way though, with the children bit!
People with children can fall out of love with each other, after all. Your poem is abstract enough to fit a lot of different scenarios, including that one. The person on the left can be just as a victim or a villain as the person on the right, depending on your perspective. It depends. Like I said, it's very abstract. It tells the emotional aftermath without telling the story. It's a bit odd in that way.
On another note (and this might explain my previous statement more) the abstractness of who is really the victim and who is really the villain is what makes the message against abusive relationships a lot more unclear. When I first read your poem, I thought your message might be everyone is equally at fault and abuses equally.
I don't like poetry that spells out everything plainly. Really, I don't. As a poet, I like layering metaphor upon metaphor on each other. But, from what I read of your poem, since there's no real context or story rather than what the brief moment and then afterthought of after everything is over, the message (for me) is that relationships die and everyone is at fault. Which is a valid message, except there is the undercurrent, with the italicized parts that both voices share, of the abusive messages. So, not only do relationships die and everyone is at fault, but you normalize abusive relationships by making both voices share in the abuser's voice. Which is a totally valid statement that you can make, mind you! Many do make that point -- abusers point out that they are provoked by the victim and that the victim wasn't completely innocent, because the other person did that too. That sort of thing happens. All The. Time. And that is what I really, really dislike about this poem. Because the victim and the villain AREN'T clear and they BOTH share in the abuser's voice, so it makes it sound like they are BOTH equally at fault. And I don't like that. I like having a distinction between the abuser and the victim, and I don't want them to be considered equally at fault.
I over-stated when I said that it glamorized abusive relationships, but this poem does seem to normalize abusive relationships with the italicized text, and I don't like that. If the italicized parts were completely removed, it would look like a sad relationship that died and two people fell out of love, as your title suggests. As it is, it is more of a story about two people who wrenched themselves away from each other reluctantly.
I loved this it had so much emotion in it. Good job you've got real talent!
I really like this! I can see it performed by two people out loud. The parallels are interesting to read- getting both perspectives isn't something I usually see.
Good job.
Sizzle. <3
I understand the want and function of parallel structure, but in the setup you've given me it proves very tiresome to read--no respite save for the lines between joints. This is heavily due to both halves of the couples having the same beginning, same cadence, same substance--essentially--and above all, imagery. Consider it the same as using the same word twice in two consecutive lines. It grates on the reader and lowers the quality of the read by introducing tedium into the mix. You can do better, but you have to sacrifice your parallel structure to do so.
Keep in mind that you're writing for two characters, and as such need two distinct voices. The voices are the same and vary in no ways from your typical style, so there's no break from the tiresome "when ________, i __________, but _________ and (this)." It's almost predictable from your style, and I'd be more inclined to dive deeper if there was something new and fresh. While style and voice are paramount and while enthralling passages are keynote in your style, this particular show is not conducive to your voice, so it begs for a change.
Since you gave me this advice in my last reviewed poem, I'll hand it back to you and say that you can do better than rain stuck in clouds / footprints in the snow. Be aware of your cliches and either embrace them or cast them out.
The one thing I do like is that you've given us a break from headings and instead gave us footnote standalone lines. I like this change and would embrace it in other places as well. That said, the footnotes are a bit easy and tired, and I'd ask of you to put more effort into them.
Ty
<333333 thank you
I love this poem. For once, it's about romance. It's about a couple with grieving hearts, or sadness which pierces mine so deeply. I want to blame you for making me sad, but at the same time I want more of this from you.
Okay, to start it off, I saw this poem was delivered by two personas whom you shaped to tell the story in two different views, each view contradicted with another, or different. It was a clever way of giving justice to the two personas as not only we were shown the female lover's view, we were also shown the male lover's view to whom the former was referring.
Using a narrative style to deliver the idea of two people breaking up suited the idea. During the narration, you kept showing what happened, and this led me as a reader to simultaneously imagine the situation and think the hidden ideas beneath it. Although not all lines were used to show it, most lines were, and it was fine, as they did their jobs well. The telling lines didn't distrupt the flow of the poem, despite them being not as effective as the showing ones.
Well, here I end my review. There are more things I want to include, but I think this would do.
I love it, I'm proud I figured out how to read it.
Hello! herby here for a review!
I really like this poem. Like you said you'd never really done anything like this, I've never read anything like this, and I think it was a good first for both of us.
I love the idea of two people, on still in love and one falling out. The struggle between them is portrayed really well here, you did a really good job.
I only have a couple of suggestions. I think that you should make both of the beginnings of the stanzas start the same, like you did at the beginning, for example. I just think that it would help make the poem flow better. Also, you should capitalize the 'I's in this poem. Leave everything else uncapitalized. I think that would also help with the flow of the poem.
Anyways, good job on this poem! And congratulations on making the home page!
Thanks for the read,
herby
Hi it's me teacake013 here to review.
I thoroughly and truthfully enjoy your work it was unique!:)
I'm not here to judge your work badly , so I'll tell you
I know it takes a lot to publish you're works so I respect that completely.
In you're work pacifically I enjoyed how you chose a topic that you seem
Really worked hard on it and it showed
It was refreshing to say the least.
And I also like how it was set up.
Hope you keep on improving and writing you're heart out!.!
Love, Teacake013