where the ocean leaves the sand

Hiya sparks!
I really like this poem.

I love the images you use, your diction... it's really pretty solid.

One thing I wish was here was a more... ordered? direct? streamlined? hmm. I think ordered might be the right word. The images skip around quite a bit, and, unless you were going for that effect, I'm not sure I like the choppiness it creates. It feels like a smooth sort of poem to me, you know?

The final line in the first stanza felt a little out of place to me. Your other two images were very wet, and then all of a sudden, we have this dry image that I wasn't prepared for.

The eye stanza seemed like it was almost verging on cliche. And the home in your eyelashes thing just created a strange picture in my mind.

i sing in the wrong key and trip and scrape my knees
before church, and there's no time, you'll just have to go with
bloody knees and everyone will see.

you are world shattering

Hoi, Sparky~ It is late here and I have class tomorrow, but I liked this and I thought I'd drop by for a quick review.

Pls ignore typos; I'm on a phone.

So the first segment was probably my favourite where imagery is concerned, seeing as the droplet of rain image is so powerful--to me, it read as the narrator affirming their place in the addressee's life, the 'book' being a metaphor for this. And somehow, I get the feeling that the narrator's entrance into their life was serendipitous, because it wasn't written in ink like the other entries, and I love this because the narrator is like an external force (to put it clumsily). And, like all external forces, it is something that keeps the addressee intact--yet something they do not care for, although they register its presence.

Ramble aside, I found that the poem was a little weak nearing the middle because the images are ones that are very common in your poetry--beautiful, but they don't belong here; they're overused and they're a bit stale for this work. Also, the images of the constellations and lashes feel forced and lacklustre; they're not strong, not concrete. Stanza three is one that doesn't seem to belong to this poem, mostly because it distracts from the raw pain that this poem was conveying to me so far--to be bitter and moony at the same time is something that strikes me as odd, and the narrator just sounds naive rather than individualistic (i am everything you are not).

I liked the imagery in this, Sparky; I liked the idea. But this differed from your other poems because, to me, it lacked the focus it needed to convey its point strongly. The 'parts' division of one, twos and threes usually works for you, but it felt unneeded here because there was no established plotline: rather than division, all this piece needs to knit itself together is flow. You also thrust random, comparatively lighthearted images in the mix, which clash with the serene/turbulent sea scenery and sky and rain images; it's like stuffing a jest into an eulogy. It does not fit. ('somewhere behind the shower curtain, maybe?' is an example of this.)

So, overall, I liked this. The voice is a bit wobbly, but I adore the idea you've got rolling here and that last stanza is perf. <3

Hope this review made a little bit of sense!

Keep writing! Keep it up!

Cheers

~Pomp c:

Hello, LadySpark. I really enjoyed your poem. Definitely made me feel something in this beating stone of mine.

I love it when poems are able to have multiple interpretations. It is challenging to attempt and see it from another perspective, and to compare any possible meanings. Sometimes you don't even go for this effect, but you still get it, and that's what I think the case here is.

At first glance, when I noticed the numbers, I actually thought you would have that many verses per stanza, but that turned out to not be the case. Structure-wise, I would say it is solid, except for the second stanza, where you have highly contrasting lines in length, something that makes it stand out from the crowd. But you had that central line which is right at the middle length-wise, so it sort of makes things better. I find poems more musical when the lines are approximately the same size, that is the only reason why I mentioned this.

I must say, I loved it how you painted the picture of the interaction between the ocean and the sand. You anthropomorphizing them both is the main reason why I said it was open to interpretation.

I am neither a very skilled, nor a very experienced reviewer, but I hope that this review was good enough to give you an idea of how one of your readers perceived one of your works. I hope it helps, and that it encourages you to keep on writing.

Heya, LadySpark. Artemis here!

This is too amazing for words. The way you order every sentence, how you write and how your style fits you perfectly...well, all I can say is that "eyelashes" sounds a bit strange in a deep, thoughtful poem. But other than that, I can find nothing wrong with this. It's awesome and an amazing read. Keep writing--you're good at it.

-Artemis28

Hi LadySpark!

I really liked this poem. It was a mix of the ocean and the sand, as if they were talking to you as you sat and listened. It put feeling into every action of the ocean and the sand, emotion that it would not have in real life. You did a very good job.

The one thing I have to critique, is the first words of each line of the poem. The first letter of the first word of every line in a poem should be capitalized. It is a rule in grammar.

Other than that... You did amazing!

Wow............ I- just...wow. This is amazing. So deep. I'm actually speechless and just trying to find words to say....This is really good!