dedicated to jessie.
----
i've fallen down the rabbit hole again
chasing after alice, so she can explain to me
why everything always looks better when it's painted red.
wonderland is messy,
it makes my head spin and my body break into
match-sticked pieces.
my brittle mind can't be taped back together,
no matter how many times i try puzzle pieces are still missing.
no one tells you when you're going
through the five stages of grief
how bloody it gets.
they don't tell you all your bones
clatter together in your chest every time you breathe.
they don't tell you what it feels like
to rip your own heart out of your rib cage
just so you can sleep.
they don't tell you that everything tastes of dust
and there's no turning back once you're there.
they don't tell you there's no escape clause
after you drink the poison.
they just tell you to watch your back,
'cause it's not very safe in wonderland.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
And I'm taken away by the very length of this. And your wordings are oh so perfect!
Hey LadySpark, I know it's been a while but it's great to be back! I have to congratulate you on being featured, you deserve it.
Now to your work, there's not much I can say that hasn't been said before but I like to say this work inspired a lot of emotion in me so top points for being able to grab that, when you have that down in poetry, every other thing follows.
Did you mean to do the whole 'my sentences do not begin in capital letters' because it's very disturbing and sort of distorts/distracts the flow of the poem, on my own opinion, that is.
Also, there's a point that doesn't flow together for me, when you translated into grief and dying from being lost, I was kinda lost, it had this drip, drop effect, you know when your heart sinks in your chest and you're still trying to raise it.
All in all, this is a beautiful piece, keep writing!
Bee *Khilzes*
Hi there LadySpark I'm just dropping a quick review.
I love this piece, plain and simple. I realize i have said this about other pieces before but this one is one of the best. I love the dark twist you put into this. As we all know Wonderland is supposed to be dark yet full of wonder but the way you put it in your poem makes it seem like a dark place that no one ever wants to go, you make it seem almost like a hell (sorry for the language if it offends you,) In all this was a beautiful piece and I loved it from beginning to end. I hope to see more from you. You are extremely talented and an amazing writer and I hope that you use this to you're advantage in life. Have a wonderful day/night!
This is a great poem! I'm not always entertained by poetry, but this is great! I love the description of the "brittle mind". The metaphor is great, and I love this part:
"they don't tell you what it feels like
to rip your own heart out of your rib cage
just so you can sleep."
It's gruesome, and I can feel the emotions hidden behind these stanzas.
Even though this is about grief, this sort of reflects my experience with mental illness...the bloodiness and bones and falling mind...what an accurate description! This is a lovely (strangely enough) and imaginative poem! Keep writing!
<3 beautiful.
Well I'd just like to say wow! This was so creative and I really loved the affiliation with Alice in Wonderland (which is by the way one of my favourite stories). The metaphor for grief was so striking that to be honest you didn't even need to mention it but it didn't take away from the poem. The feeling of tasting dust as you say was really relatable and the bones clattering together was just so vivid. Also the character/narrator was so emotional and personal that I could picture here in my head perfectly. You found a really powerful to end and incredible poem which is usually very hard and I especially love the fact that the last line is also the title!
~weirdbookworm
Okay, this is a super creative poem! I think that this poem has a lot of potential and some hidden meaning behind it! I love reviewing poems, and when I saw this I was like, "Okay, I cannot miss this one... I have to review it!" So... Here I am! Okay so I'm gonna shut up and start talking about your poem.
This is a poem that really brings out a lot of detail. You have managed to paint a picture to the reader and show them what you are thinking. Because of this detail, I can Bette understand what this poem is about and be able to understand it better.
It's amazing to what one person can com up with and this is seen through your poem. You have insane creativity that most people envy to have. This type of poem takes a lot of imagination and ability to think deep. Not everyone is blessed with that gift... But obviously you are!
Overall I loved your poem! It really brought out a a lot of creativity and originality! I definently love your writing style and look toward to reading more it our work!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
sometimes it feels like Siken is what inspires you, but today feels like Ginsberg (though i may be incorrect in assuming that).
i love the narrative. i love the way this feels because i feel you in it. because there is clearly a narrative here that goes beyond wonderland and it's just, yes. yes. everything about this is good. might be my favourite poem from you.
so why don't we cover a few short nitpicks before we discuss content because this poem is literally a gem and i'd love to decipher it a bit further.
i don't like how finite this is. it seems to me this entire poem has this feel of blessed confusion, like the fascination has turned sour in your mouth and you cant figure it out. can't figure out the answers you're looking for. this is too finite because you're looking for answers and yet you're already suggesting that the answer isn't there. it's too pessimistic in the way that it takes away from that confusion.
i love the concept but the way it's put forward feels a little boring. i feel like there may be a more metaphoric way of suggesting ripping ones heart out that might fit your theme a little more closely. this feels blatant and weak compared to the beginning stanzas.
now back to the concept. i just, yes. i love this. i love the way this makes Wonderland feel like the bad side of town. i love that you're using it to explain a feeling, a regret, a pain you cant shake. i love the simplicity but most of all i am literally in love with that last couplet. it's such a good use of metaphor.
prime work. i'm literally so impressed right now. (probably why i reverted to no caps poetry mode, tbh)
~ Walker
<333333333333333 thank you darling.
I don't really know where my inspiration came from stylistically. I wrote it last night in the midst of sobbing over a friend who just died yesterday morning. (jessie, actually hee) so maybe you love it so much because it is probably the most raw truthful thing I've ever done.
I'm glad you love it. <3333
that actually explains a lot about this. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. it's never easy writing poetry about things this sore and tender but you did so extremely well. this feels real. a year or two from now when you read this again, I think you'll feel it just a little more poignantly when the moment isn't so fresh.
I'm still really impressed by this. truly.
that means so much to me. <3 thank you
Hello LadySpark! Celtic Thunder1438 here to review some of your amazing work! First off I just want to say that this poem was really good and kept me entertained. You must have a very cool mind to be able to think this one up! I have always loved poems or stories that take different fairy tales and mix them up a bit. At the moment I am actually writing a story about every different old fairy tale characters, the main character is Robin Hood, since he has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. Being a girl, I get many people ask me what my favorite fairy tale was as a kid, they expect me to say "snow white" or 'Cinderella", "sleeping beauty" but I always shock them with my answer of Robin Hood or King Arthur xD
You did very well with your Alice in Wonderland theme. I know a movie about it that changed everything, it was a favorite of mine as a kid but I cannot for the life of me remember what the name was =( I just remember loving it =p
My favorite part of yours is -
``i've fallen down the rabbit hole again
chasing after alice, so she can explain to me
why everything always looks better when it's painted red.
wonderland is messy,
it makes my head spin and my body break into
match-sticked pieces.
my brittle mind can't be taped back together,
no matter how many times i try puzzle pieces are still missing.
no one tells you when you're going
through the five stages of grief
how bloody it gets.
they don't tell you all your bones
clatter together in your chest every time you breathe.
they don't tell you what it feels like
to rip your own heart out of your rib cage
just so you can sleep.
they don't tell you that everything tastes of dust
and there's no turning back once you're there.
they don't tell you there's no escape clause
after you drink the poison.
they just tell you to watch your back,
'cause it's not very safe in wonderland.`
ALL OF IT! LOL
Keep writing, you have a great imagination!
- Selina
This was good! I liked reading the more colorful descriptions- I felt like there could have been more of them, actually, because Wonderland is one of the more colorful and unique fictional universes. The point of this poem seems largely to replace the fun with despair, and leave the crazy, so that sort of works either way.
This was very good. I enjoyed it. I could feel what the character felt. It was very entertaining.
This was very good. I enjoyed it. I could feel what the character felt. It was very entertaining.