The sweet smell of donuts mingled with the sterile smell of the BMW, as James opened the donut box. Again.
Verena glanced down at it, dark lashes shading her pale eyelids. inspecting the box," You're getting crumbs in the car."
James started down at the floor, cheeks bulging, and muttered an "oops" as best he could.
Verena flicked a few crumbs off the dark leather seat, and turned her attention back to the bulky pair infrared of binoculars she held." How come you buy a box of donuts every time we go on a stake out?"
James brushed his hands together. The toasty crumbs just barley visible on his warm skin, "Why would I not waste company money while being paid to sit and wait?"
Verena’s periwinkle eyes peered into a window, only half invested in James' response,"Alright, fair."
James nodded, a light brown strand of hair falling into his forehead. He brushed it back, happy with the response, and held out a donut to her,"and yet you never have one?"
"Do I ever?"
A pause. They both knew the answer.
"No...But there's a first time for everything?"
"Sugar will mess with my focus" She ignored James’s pout,"Somethings not right," she sighed, lowering the binoculars and staring intently at the mansion. It was an imposing structure. Built of ivory coloured stone, and accented with dark granite, in an almost articutrial greek style.
James focused his deep green eyes on the back of her head. It was adorned with her dark midlentgh hair, braid and coied up on her head. She’d been studying the same set of windows for the past hour and almost nothing seemed to be changing. At this point he was sure she’d memorized every line of stone and sculpted trim on the building.
They’d been sent on a small stake out mission for a local politician, during one of his many, many campaign parties. Something about possible foul play. Not that the Cooperation really cared, they just wanted him alive. Even if other parties were trying to sabotage that.
"You say that a lot." He was left holding a donut in mid air between them. It hovered there for a moment, before he violently stuffed it into his mouth.
"Maybe I do, Maybe I don’t. Either way it's true. It's like the same shadows have been going back and forth."
James inspected another donut, this one was rather fluffy looking, covered in a layer of slick chocolate icing,"it's a bunch of old men in suits and their trophy wives. I don't know if their bones are strong enough to do more than stand."
He got a grunt in response. One of her favorite responses. He’d heard them enough to categorize the different types. This one was,”I agree, but I'm too focused to say so right now.”
James shrugged, stuffed the first donut in his mouth and shut the box on the other. Patting it lovingly.
Verena lowered the binoculars, "I'm gonna do a round."
"Ooooh can I come!" James jumped in his seat like an excited puppy. While he wasn't trained as an agent, how hard could sneaking around be? He did it all the time when he stole donuts from the community room pastry table.
Verena snorted, her thin lips twisting into a smirk,"and repeat what happened in Russia? I think not."
"See this is why I eat donuts on steak outs! So I don't get distracted by pastries later! Logic!," he tapped his temple,"can I please at least help you with the grapple?"
Verena was crawling into the cleanly stripped back of the vehicle. "I need you to stay here and keep a lookout. You're my getaway driver, to be a getaway driver."
Letting out a far longer than need be sigh, James agreed,"Fine."
Resting his chin beside the seats headrest, he watched Verena pull out a collection of various techy looking items. All organized in various built in bins and compartments in the converted luxury vehicle. It was true, he was the getaway driver, although in his contract it said something fancier sounding than that. But a getaway driver was the simplest way to put it. He'd considered Guy-In-The-Chair, but he wasn't nearly that techy, and he did far more driving than computer work. Unless he had to fill out paperwork for missions. His most dreaded task.
Verena was trained to scale walls and creep around like a fly on the wall. Granted, that was exactly what her lean, muscular build was made for. Still, he had to admit she looked pretty cool doing it. Even if he was usually the only one who saw her doing it. Maybe that's why he wanted to join in somehow. Not that he had any idea of what the various gadgets now strapped or clipped descritey to her body did.
Verena slid a pair of black night vision goggles over her eyes,fitting the strap around her braids, "keep the chatter limited please." Various buckles clicking into place and clasps being pushed followed her order.
James nodded and tapped his earpiece," you look like a frogman. Woman? Frog, woman? Frog woman.”
"Those are divers James," her deadpan tone was almost lost in the thick bulletproof interior.
He shrugged, not fully convinced,”still."
Verena slinked out of the backdoor, waving her hand pale in dismissal when James whispered,"don't die frogwoman," at her disappearing figure.
"Your nick-name is frogwoman now." he said, no one hearing but the nearly empty suv.
Once his partner vanished in the darkness, James snatched the last donut, "shotgun!" he muttered. Then nestled himself comfortably in Verena's vacant driver's seat.
James had just about mastered the ability to comfortably curl himself up in a way that avoids detection. Yet didn't leave his muscles infinitely cramped. Of course, it helped that he wasn't quite as muscular as the male agents. Or, glorified gym bros, as was his nickname for them. He kept himself in enough shape to balance out the amount of pure sitting he did. Which usually came in the form of running after Verena in one way or another.
"And now. We wait." He looked down at the last donut in his hand," it's just you and me. Probably just me soon. Because only one of us is editable, at least ideally that is."
After an hour of ducking down as distant headlights flashed by. His final donut had long disappeared, and James started to get tired of staring at the stagnant looking mansion. He'd memorized the way the extravagantly carved stone framed the doors and windows, the neatly kept gardens that seemed to form an intricate maze around it. Making him wonder if there was a hidden maze that could spring out from under it.
He squinted at his glow-in-the-dark-watch. A techy advancement designed as an old analog bronze watch, with bright numbers clearly shining up at him,"How big of a mansion is it?" It looked big, it couldn't be as big inside. With all the hallways and walls. Could it? He mused the possibility of hidden rooms.
A cold dark pale hand reached around from behind the seat and pressed his head into it, covering his mouth." Not that big actually, I’m just thorough," a familiar testing voice tickled his ear.
James let out a very muffled scream, then tugged the hand down, and twisted in his seat to better face his assailant,"Frogwoman! You've got to stop doing that!"
Verena placed her elbows on the center console, holding her chin in her hands like a schoolgirl and smiling mischievously,"I will when you become more aware of your surroundings."
James studied her cheeky smile,"uh huh, sure you will."
He was fairly sure her hobby was sneaking up on him. She knew he would never sneak up on her. He was sure that one day he could, but that day was a long time coming. He sighed, at least she had a hobby, something other than her addiction to her work. Although one day it might actually give him a heart attack.He let out a long sigh and settled back into his seat.
Verena pulled out a tiny circular device and pressed a button. Inviting a light in the middle which caused a small holographic blueprint to light up the vehicle,"I traced a basic layout of the mansion.I'm going to go investigate more thoroughly. You can track my movements through this."
James leaned in so close his head almost disrupted the holograph,"Cool. What are these?" He pointed at, or rather stuck his finger into two small red dots beside each other."
"That",Verena pulled her goggles back down with one hand," is the Prime minister and his bodyguard," I'll appear as a green dot when I’m in there."
James gingerly lifted the device out of her other hand, "alrighty then."
He looked back up at Verena, or rather the blank space in the car where her head had been,"frog-Verena?"
He twisted around in his seat, balancing the hologram in one hand," aw man, how does she do that.”
When he’d first been paired with her, he’d gone through a phase of wondering if she was simply a figment of his imagination and he was going crazy. Given the way she seemed to vanish and appear with no giveaway whatsoever. Until he realized that, one, others knew of her, and two, he was just really bad at being quiet.
He focused back on the hologram, and set it on the console, staring at it,"guess i'll just watch you through here."
James curled knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs, tapping his fingers to a silent beat on his biceps,"any minute now."
As he glanced back towards the mansion a flash of red caught his eye, and he leaned back into the hologram,"There you are!" he studied the wholly plain green dot that hovered on the far west wide of the mansion,"why isn't it moving?"
As if in response to his question, the dot inched along what seemed to be the wall of the mansion. James measured the distance between the green dot and the two red dots with his finger, then held his finger up to the full size mansion that lay a few meters away from him.
”I wonder what scale this is in." he turned back to the hologram, concern creeping into his mind as he watched Verena creep around the mansion.
James fingers tapped a faster and faster beat as the distance between the dots grew smaller and smaller. Soon his teeth joined in the melody. If anyone else had happened to peek in the vehicle window they would have thought he was crazy. But he had found the only way he could sit in suspense, was to play the notes in his mind as discreetly as possible.
The heavy vehicle creaked, settling in the dirt road. Plastic and metal cooling. Interrupting his quiet orchestra every few moments.
The engine had been turned off for at least an hour. But the car had held warmth while Verena had been in it. Now it felt cold, Lonely and slightly creepy.
He hugged his knees closer. Feeling the cold seeping in the vents, creeping up along the floor and up the seats.
His frenzied percussion froze as the dots suddenly encountered. His breath caught as if he’d just reached the plot twist of a novel. Pooling in front of him in a frosty cloud.
"I sure hope you're above them, and not in front of them," James wrinkled his brow, trying to render some idea of a picture of that specific room in his brain. Instead he came up with some strange looking picture of a typical mansion ballroom. Chandeliers on the ceiling, marble flooring, and some sort of 1800s style decor. Maybe an orchestra playing on a little stage in the corner. All rendered in a slightly pixelated video game style picture.
The dots stood still for what felt like an eternity. Frozen in a stalemate. James started to wonder if the hologram was lagging.
He nudged it gingerly. The dots still held their station. Staring back at him brightly until his eyes burned and he blinked away spots.
James tilted his head towards the mansion, darted his eyes towards the hologram, and then studied the mansion's brightly lit windows inch by inch.
The same shadows swayed back and forth. Haunting the window shades in a ghostly repetitive dance.
The same shadows.
James thought back to Verenas comments on said shadows.
He tapped his fingers furiously on the driver's side door. His job was to stay here, to be ready no matter what, or however long Verena knew how to handle herself. Heck she was the most highly trained agent in the corporation. But things happen. Sometimes fate pushed its way in and the only thing you could do was hope.
James nearly hit his head on the window when the hologram beeped behind him. The projection faded, sinking into the device. He scrambled to turn back to it. The dots sparked, than vanished, leaving a haunting empty blueprint.
James pressed his finger to his earpiece,"Verena?" tapped it again,"VERENA?"
He tapped the ear comm so hard and with such frequency, he almost heard the IT unit getting mad at him. But he had bigger problems then wrecking tech. The only response his earpiece gave him was fizz. James grunted, frustrated, and swiveled back to the hologram. It was still dark. He scooped it up, flipping it around and scanning for any other buttons he could press.
he started at the mansion,mumbling,"she-knows-what-shes-doing-she-knows-what-shes-doing."
A rolling shudder bubble up from the wheels and shimmed into the body of the car. Rattling equipment in the back seats. At least, he thought it ratteled
He couldn't tell what was real and what was a figment of his adrenaline pumped mind.
The car shuttered again, hit by some silent pressure sent barreling through the air. The hologram toppled off the center conceal and onto the passenger seat
Black sky gave way to searing light, knocking James back in his perched position on the seat.
The windows of the manion now held hot, forceful flames, in place of warm inviting light.
James started at it. His faint reflection in the tinted windows of the SUV revealing the flames reflected his horrified green eyes
If he swore, he would have. Instead, he bit the inside of his cheek, contemplating the possibilities in his head.
Possibilities be shot and thrown out the window.
James all but kicked the door open, the need for stealth lost in the chaos of destruction.
What use was a getaway driver if you couldn't get to the getaway driver. He almost made it to the nearest window before the heat stopped him. He stared at it. Feeling the invisible waves of heat lapping at his exposed skin. Where had Verena been before the dots vanished? He knew the target had been in the room visible from the car. Which should be on the other side of the window he stood in front of.
Question was, how did one get past that window. He took another step forward, the ground crunching beneath him. Glinting slivers peeked out from under his shoes. Some of the windows had been blown out.
Well, he could climb through then. He’d climbed his fair share of trees as a kid, fallen out of almost just as many. How was this any different? It was hard, creviced, stone instead of a ladder of naturally sprawled branches. Not really that different. If you didn't think about it too much.
He hopped back a few steps, and ran, launching himself towards the stone wall under the window. Heavy boots flung glass into the air as he landed a few feet up the wall. He clung to the few crevices and bumps that decorated the building. James peered up, the window sat about two feet above him.
His right hand crept upward, fingers feeling out the next crack he could stick his fingers in. Finding one he hoisted himself up a few inches. Then reached his left arm out.
Finally he wrapped a hand around the window sill, heat searing his hands. He remembered the heavy pair of gloves sitting neatly on the dash. Always there when he needed them, except he never did. Until now.
James started to reach his other arm up, but paused, fingers clinging to a crevice halfway to the window. Something was burning into his back. James felt his breath tick and pick up panic triggering. He carefully turned his head to the side, trying to see what was behind him.
A stern man stood a few feet below him, clothed in some strange cross between a black tie suit and combat gear. A barely visible red beam shone beside the man, coming from somewhere far back in the woods. He took an educated guess that it ended in his back. James sunk his head into the wall and closed his eyes,"Aw come on."
His dire attempt and breach of protocol couldnt end like this. Clinging to a wall so close to his objective. Of course. He was breaching protocol. His position and potentially his job was in jeopardy. But all he cared about was the safety of his best friend.
The man lifted a finger and tapped his earpiece, James heard his fizzle," Operative Jameson, you've overstepped your position. Drop.”
Well that was on heck of a command. James pressed his ear against his shoulder, activating his earpiece again,"I know. I'm already up here, let me find her. I know I’m breaking protocol. Fire me if you want, just let me go in there.”
"Agent Laufy needs no finding. Drop," the command was repeated. The red beam remained. A viable threat.
"If I said please, would it make a difference?"
'"Drop. That's an order and your final warning."
James breathed in the smell of smoke wafting from the window, and flung himself upward. His grasp slipped on the sill as a whisper flew through the air behind him. A small point dug into his back, and shocked his nervous system into near heaven.
"Guess I'm dropping" he watched the window fade away.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Alright, the dice chose this over 15 other options =D
Inspecting capitalized. “Inspecting the box” is also not a speech tag therefore the sentence is incomplete and you need to put something here like “she scoffed.” Or you use a comma after “eyelids”. Wait I think that is actually what you were going for. So, comma. But then you definitely need to turn the comma after “box” into a period. Because “to glance” is not a speech tag and therefore you do not combine this sentence with the speech. Also check out the space. It’s misplaced. In general I suggest going over all your dialogue since you misplaced the space multiple times ò.ó There is no excuse. DO IT. Readability suffers if the “ isn’t where it should be Ò.ÓHi Lady, as promised, I have come for your story. And I kinda hope that this is the right one lol
Is this version 1.2 or what’s up with the title?
Hmmm I find the way you mention the eye colour of your characters a bit distracting. Like it doesn’t really fit the prose and you didn’t find a more natural way to mention it. Eye colour is surprisingly unimportant so maybe it would have been okay to hold the information back until a better moment presents itself.
Hmm I like the personalities of your main characters :3 Especially how you show they’ve been working together for a while!
Tho if James isn’t trained as an agent… why is he here…
That is a very odd thing to say about random nature chance. Unless we’re talking abt genetically-modified humans? “that was exactly what her lean, muscular build was made for.”
Hm interesting that he’s the getaway driver but doesn’t get to drive the vehicle to location.
Ok that had me snicker: “to balance out the amount of pure sitting he did”
Since Verena was doing that earlier maybe you could add a callback to that here? Otherwise it kinda looks like a repetition: “He'd memorized the way “
Also interesting that they don’t know the size of the building. What kinda agents are they if they stake out a place that doesn’t have this information? No satellite footage to at least get a feel for it? No bribes to ppl who built the place to get blueprints? [That last one is probably harder to achieve so I understand that it’s not feasible] It just feels odd to have Verena go in blind. And if she isn’t, it’s odd that she didn’t at least brief James on the lay of the land.
James comes across as incredibly young and inexperienced here. Feels kinda like Verena is a real agent and James is her personal hire because she trusts him to do the driving and doesn’t trust the agency to give her a good driver.
Neat! I like this: “You can track my movements through this” This is excellent for story-telling purposes and I really like how we’re staying in James’ head at all times :3
Ok now we have Mr EXTREMELY Inexperienced in an unforeseen situation. I wonder why there is no protocol for this.
And it is kinda hard to follow what happened after “The hologram toppled off the center conceal and onto the passenger seat” I really lost the plot here. Like my first thought was “is the car under attack” but I think it might have been the shockwaves of the flames/explosion in the mansion??
See this? This is a good way to mention his eye colour. It was completely unnecessary to do it earlier: “reflected his horrified green eyes”
Ok I actually don’t like it that James is officially paired with Verena because he feels so much less competent than her. Is he learning all this stuff and therefore still bad at it? Then he should have been MUCH better prepared. Why does he not know the basics? Why did Verena not tell him what to do in an emergency if she’s supposed to supervise his training? What is going on? O_O If she herself just took him in, then all of this can be forgiven but as an officially mandated partner? That is where my willing suspension of disbelief breaks. I like James but I don’t know what someone like him is doing on a mission like this.
Ohh I am so confused but also so intrigued by the ending. Here’s hoping there’s an explanation coming for all my grievances. I don’t think this is a training mission (bc there is real fire and real danger) but I could be wrong abt that? If they are both still in training then things are looking much different. But I still don’t understand how Verena would allow her partner to be this incompetent when she clearly knows what she’s doing. Is he this stubborn in his resistance to learning?
Like from the personality, James should be my favourite character. He kinda reminds me of Scott Lang of the MCU and he’s my fav there too XD But from what he did and how things went? I have to say that he’s not making a good first impression. And by extension Verena suffers too, eventhough she’s competent and I love it. But if you have a partner like this and you like him then you are partially to blame for his failures 😊
Ok I will put the grammar section at the end 😊 <-- she’s smiling now. Let’s see how long that lasts!
Ok so idk what is going on with this but I don’t like it: “the bulky pair infrared of binoculars”
“ ivory coloured“ don’t forget the dash ivory-coloured
“techy looking“ techy-looking
“ fancier sounding “ fancier-sounding
“fluffy looking” fluffy-looking [notice a pattern for the dash? I will stop mentioning this now.]
“dark midlentgh hair“ middle-length
Something is wrong with this sentence and idk what: “You're my getaway driver, to be a getaway driver." What does it mean….??!
Also what is this word? “descritey“ What is it????
You can’t just not complete sentences Lady. That is not allowed O_O “no one hearing but the nearly empty suv.”
“as the dots suddenly encountered“ shouldn’t there be an “each other” here?
Hellooo i finally got a chance to sit down and read this hehe.
Welcome to the chaotic and in my opinion super bad version of Agents of time(But thats okay cuz it had to start somewhere)
OH my goodness, SCOTT LANG IS TOTALLY WHAT JAMES IS HECK YEAH. I Love writing those types of characters hehe.
also yes, theres a hugeee lack of information and experience that james(and verena) have in this version and I'm fixing that in the new draft. Lots of people pointed this out and it was a very good point!
Also regarding the messed up spaces and quotation marks here, thats an error from putting this through wfp, and then google docs and also probably Grammarly. WFP has a habit of messing up things with your writing, and I don''t always catch them, and for some reason sometimes docs points the quotation marks the wrong way. Honestly its also probably partly because i only recently learnt that there's a whole method and way to put quotation marks and spaces and YET NOBODY IN HIGHSCHOOL TAUGHT ME THAT???(or just, even told me??)
Anywayys thanks for the review! I'll be putting the new chapters up very soon!
Hello hello fren! It's Sky and I'm SO excited to read this piece (especially since I read later on. Oh I'm such a dummy sometimes.) Now I can finally understand what's going on!!!!
Let's get into it! I'll be giving my thoughts as I read to give you the my reader's thought process!
Again, brownie points for the names. LOVE the names. And apparently James got a sweet tooth.
Verena seems to be a perfectionist. I like that. I wonder what her Myer Briggs Personality would be.....
Ooh maybe they are spies? But good guys or bad guys....I'm not sure yet. Kinda strange to be staring at a spooky mansion. Is the politician a good guy if he's expecting foul play?
I love this! I can easily picture James eating the doughnut like the famous Cookie Monster from Sesame Street lollll
This gives me another idea of how Verena is like. She must be mentally a lot older than she looks. Very workaholic like and only focused on getting straight to the point.
I like how she's super quiet and secretive, but James seems to be the more loud and funny one.
Why do i feel like James has ADHD lol.
I'm curious if Verena is more of the assassin type of girl or FBI type of girl. Both are very skilled. Very fascinating!
Ah okay for Verena does have a funny side to her lol
Ah the ending! I love this piece! I love the ending too. Who is this man demanding James come down? Will James be fired? Is Verena okay? So Many QUESTIONS. Guess I'll have to keep on reading to find out!
Not many critiques other than i did notice a couple of spelling errors.
Soar high and keep on writing!
-SkyVibes
Thank you again for requesting a review on my review page! Now, let’s get into this glorious story!
Hello there! ~ Writing Commentary
At the beginning of the story, when they are beginning their stakeout, James and Verena’s descriptions contrast eachother! This is a nice detail to start out, and it highlights their differences without you just outright telling the reader. Verena has a beauty and precision to her, while James seems a bit more absentminded and…disgusting?
I also enjoy how the descriptions that we are given are trickled in throughout the story. It helps from overloading the reader with too much information!
A bit of grammar recommendations here, though!
*midlentgh - midlength
*braid - braided
*coied - coiled
This is the moment where I started to feel James’ depth as a character. Even though he and Verena are best friends, he seems to have a bit of insecurity relating to her and his abilities, thus, he oversells this joke an an almost annoying degree. Feels very realistic!
Not just this part, but the suspense for James trying to figure out what exactly is happening with Verena is great! It is also unique for a spy-like story, we aren’t in the action, we are essentially in the car with James, trying to figure out what is happening. It lets the mind wander a bit, and that is great!
A bit of critique…
I am unsure what the purpose of the “to be a getaway driver” serves at the end of the sentence here. It may be better to simply end with “You’re my getaway driver.”
Just a quick grammar recommendation:
*descritey - discreetly
Grammar recommendation:
*editable - edible
Grammar recommendation:
*started - stared (there is another misspelling of this as well.)
*You may also want to add a period to the end of this sentence!
If I had any recommendation, worst case, it may be a good idea to proofread your stories before posting. I have done that for some of my older works that I have and plan on posting here. It helps grammar errors from being much of a problem! I don't mind calling them out tho, lol.
Love and…Donuts ~ Story Commentary
First off, I really like James and Verena’s dynamic as characters! You immediately have an idea of who they are to each other, and what their individual abilities are! I can tell you enjoy writing them, and I can also tell you are really good at character writing so far! I am interested to see more of these two.
I like how you can clearly see that James is slightly insecure about his position next to Verena. I really love characters that are insecure being mainstays (or even MCs) in stories!
The idea of being outside of the action is stressful for both the reader and James himself. It helps us relate to him, and it is also a unique way of telling a spy story! It led to a large amount of suspense and wonder about what was truly going on. I also feel like James has a lot of growth to get through in the story, and if he is the main character, then I am excited to see where it goes!
Flames ~ Closer
Overall, a great start to your story! Both of your characters are well-established, and the story is already heating up, hehe.
Whoa, this was a wonderful review!! Thank you so much!! (Also I love the graphics you use in your reviews) I'm glad your enjoying the story, and thank you again for your critiques and comments!
I'm really REALLY late to review this ehehehe sorry... i got distacted. But, it's tea here to review your work!

Here's your Milk Base Earl Grey! In the form of my bubblr tea method ofc
Tea Base: The first impression. What did I think about this when I read it first?
I love a good chapter novel, especially when I, a poet, cannot write chapters for the life of me. Definitely a lot going on when you first read it. I especially noticed how in depth you described the donuts, and made it feel like I could taste them. Additionally, you described each character very well, even without using that many adjectives, very poetic of you! That's really impressive, and is really helpful to the reader.
Add-Ons: What could be added, what could be changed that would improve this work?
Not many things to nitpick but:
The line "The man lifted a finger and tapped his earpiece, James heard his fizzle," While good, is confusing. Perhaps change the first comma to and, or talk about why James heard it fizzle. (side note, love the use of fizzle here.)
Also mayhaps space out your commas and descriptions? Like apace out the "What", and Verena? otherwise, this was beautifully crafted.
Toppings: What I loved about this work, What do you think was so genius?
Your descriptions were AMAZING! You made it feel like I was there, in the car, watching this unfold. Especially describing the donuts and the characters. No words can describe how lovely your descriptors were (hehe wordplay)
Straw: Finish off your drink! Any other quips or questions?
Overall, theres your drink! If need anymore clarification, just reply! I loved the title too, did I mention that?
Milk based Earl Gray <333
-Tea
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
i think how you broke up your paragraphs worked really well and allowed me to follow along with the conversations well.
Ladyyyyyy, hey friend! Ellie here for a quick review of the first chapter of your wonderful novel. It has been so fun being able to see you write some of this in the pad and get to follow along your journey. I haven't done a review in a little while, so let's get right into it. Since you just asked for critiques, this s'more is gonna be a lonely marshmallow with some chocolate XD
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Alrighty, I loved this chapter a lot. Here are a few suggestions for you.
One thing I would loved to see is more character description. I would love to know more about what Verena looks like. Adding on to this, I would love more description about the setting as aswell! I also saw that in the sentence, "He was fairly sure her HOBBY was sneaking up on him." the word Hobby was capitalized. I didnt catch if there was a reason for this or not. When I write I love to use foreshadowing to build suspense and hit to what is going to come next, that is also something I thought of while I was reading that could add some extra excitement!
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I wanted to say that I found this very engaging and enjoyed reading through fully! I've been skimming your stuff during nano but it was nice to finally be able to read the full chapter. I really like the idea and I think this is going to be a wonderful novel, so thank you for posting it!! keep going and dont stop
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Thanks for letting me read this, Lady!! You are an awesome friend and I am excited to read more. See ya in the pad!!
Ellie Slae
Oh, what a fun story! It reminded me of those James Bond spy thrillers, which I kind of adore. I think it's extra fun in that, instead of sticking with Vereena (FROG-WOMAN! xD) you stuck with James. He was the funny character and it was kind of neat to be with him... though I kind of wish you did a dual-POV with both of them because then you would be able to have the action and the humor. I love the dialogue and their banter.
Anyway, two things that I want you to look at:
1) The typos KILLED this story. Like, you once even misspelled the main character's name and called him Jamas instead of James! There were grammar errors CONSTANTLY and... well... just take a good look at it. There are so many grammar check places (Grammarly, for one.) and you really don't have any excuses to have such poor grammar. Why, you can even put it through one of the AI bots and tell it to correct your grammar and it'll do it!
2) The action scenes are really confusing. You need to slow down big time and just describe them better. Like...
Why is he saying this? Who is this man? What does James think of when he sees him? Even a brief sentence is better than saying nothing, since his appearance really seems bizarre. (Why is even there??)
Anyway, it'll be fun to read more!
Each chapter will switch POV of the two characters! Nest chapter is verena.
Definitely will scan for those typos. I did take it through grammerly. And I changed James name half way through writing. So that's probably where that strange spelling of his name came in.
Lots of people seem confused on that mysterious man so I'll clear that up.
Thanks for the review!
Hello there! Dropping in here for a quick review… whew, haven’t done one of these in a while.
So first of all: The characters are really well done; you didn’t over-describe every minute detail of their eyes or something. But, I feel like I got a good picture of who they are. And, the dialogue feels very natural. The plot is intriguing so far, and where you’ve started grabs the audience. -You have enough action already in motion for it to feel real, without so much happening that the necessary exposition about who the characters are, has time to be conveyed. And then it’s back into the action and a cliffhanger (or window-hanger) to bring us on to the next part. I remember you did a lot of planning for this and I can see it’s paid off.
Now, on to the errors: Mostly, I noticed a lot of typos: “James started down at the floor,” I think James was supposed to have stared, although I may be wrong. This actually happens twice, later on “stared” is written as “started” again. There is also a missing “d” after the “She’” in “She’ been studying the same set of windows for the past..” And right before Verena sneaks up on James you write “with” with an extra t. There are also several points where a space is missing, usually before a quotation mark. But other than that, your grammar seems pretty good, (although I’m really not the one to be checking that.)
As for the general narrative flow of the story, I find no fault. Although, there are a couple of points which are a little hard to understand.
So, after rereading it I understand what’s happened (Verena has snuck up on him,) but I still don’t entirely get the dialogue. I think Verena is the one asking how big the mansion is. But, I don’t understand why? It seems like an odd question out of the blue. Maybe it would make sense if James was asking Verena this, since she’s just got back from surveying it, but I don’t think he’s realised she is back at this point. So yeah, maybe a bit more clarification is necessary.
Anyway, one other point:
For this part, I just don’t get why we’re told that Jame felt something burning at his back. Was it just the fire? It seems like it’s supposed to be an indication of the man behind him but I don’t see how? Also, in writing this I just noticed, there’s another typon in that quote: carfully.
So overall, this has been a thoroughly enjoyable read. And, the few issues mentioned above did little to sour the story.
Ever excited to read more…
-Myth
Thanks bro!
Alright, this is my first ever review so I hope it makes sense! (I have no clue how to enter quotes into it, I'll have to figure that out-)
First Impressions:
I quite enjoyed it. The banterous dialogue between the two characters in the beginning was fun to read and made me laugh, especially "James nodded and tapped his earpiece," you look like a frogman. Woman? Frog woman? Frog woman.” " As things got tense, I found myself trying to figure out where a plot twist would be entered, or a witty remark from James or Verena. The ending was very mysterious and left me wondering what happened next. It was certainly a fun read and I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters.
Constructive Criticism:
Punctuation and grammar were a repetitive problem. It was sometimes a little hard to follow where the sentence was going, or where it began due to lack of proper punctuation and/or capitalization. "Until he realized that, One, others knew of her, Two, he was just really bad at being quiet." In this example, there is no need to capitalize 'One' and 'Two' as they are neither proper nouns or the beginning of a sentence. Grammar Girl's "Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing" is a great resource to help improve grammar and in turn, your writing!
Positive Encouragement:
As I said in the First Impressions, I really liked the lighthearted banter between the characters in the beginning. It was fun to read and gave a great insight to both characters' personalities. James was somewhat of a comedic relief, but was still a kind character who clearly cared for Verena, enough to quite literally run into fire for her. Another thing I really liked was how you used imagery. I could picture a lot of this chapter in my head and felt as if I was sitting in the BMW with them. "The sweet smell of donuts mingled with the sterile smell of the new BMW, as James opened the donut box. Again." He's such a relatable, lovable character!
Grammer is always a problem for me haha. I've taken it hro grammerly, but I'll do a good comb through and read it out loud again. I'll fix that capitazion you mentioned as well.
Thanks for the review! Glad u enjoyed it
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we begin with the S’more?
Top Graham Cracker- James and Verena are part of a secret spy organization on a mission. Verena has to carry out the mission, James is the getaway driver. All is well until Verena disappears. James isn’t even allowed to find her.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - There was just one thing that confused me. Verena told James that she would appear as a green dot. James saw her as a red dot. If it’s not supposed to be Verena, then ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you made the characters of James and Verena! It’s sweet, how he would go in there. I just hope that they’re both alright…
Closing Graham Cracker - A mission gone wrong?! I’m going to check out the other chapters. Either it will turn out well or they’ll both get in trouble. I’ll have to wait and see.
I wish you a wonderful day/night!