Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!
Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary
This place and time was grey-coated in a layer of water, cloud cover indicating it had rained. There were spots of bright yellow leaves scattered about. Pushed here and there by the wind. It was autumn here. Where ever here was. He recalled the file he'd memorized. Their destination was a manor called Houndsworth Manor. An elegant establishment of stone and stature. Outside the town of Mannington, in a little country named Belacruv.
I really like this description! It allows us to get right into the action, and acts as an introduction to Belacruv to both the reader and James! I feel like the season being autumn, the clouds, and the gray coating of rain is added to make it seem like they’ve been shot back into one of those black and white TV shows from way back when.
"Whatever I am then, " he paused. Then faced her, puffed out his chest, and said thickly, "Chadwick Rodsworth, at your service ma'am. Milady. Whatever."
Verena bit her cheek to keep from bursting out laughing," that's.. fitting."
Aww, I really like this dialogue exchange here. It’s awesome that they are both able to kind of “roll” with this idea of going back in time. Now that the shock’s passed, it makes sense that they can sort of make fun of the absurdity of the situation.
The Castle was rather impressive. Sporting a dulled yellow colour, with grey stone trimming and detailing. It was small as castles went if a castle could even be considered small in any way. James figured it was not much larger than the manor from their last mission. But far less modern-looking. It wasn't the atypical medieval-style castle, it had a more German style to it. With a base of large shape with smaller towers or spiers branching off.
I like that you reference the castle as having a “german” style to it. It gives us another hint that this mission seemed to be taking place in germany. I like how we get to see James take a moment to admire the castle. This is in character for him, since he’s the one who's been so excited about this mission.
Some recommendations…
I will apologize in advance if I usually opt to show the revised recommendation rather than explain it. I know my grammar fundamentals, but I don’t quite remember all the word-like associations that come with them. Hopefully a visual way of showing them is fine!
He grasped her bicept
I think you mean “He grasped her bicept
James reached for his and took one of hers." hey I'm your butler, remember"
You may want to rephrase James’ statement as “hey, I’m your butler, remember?”
He watched Veena gather herself, and assume her character, and she responded, "here!"
Looks like you misspelled Verena’s name here. You can also axe the second usage of and as well as the comma. Perhaps it could look like this?
“He watched Verena gather herself and assume her character. She responded, “here!”
Her voice still had its assertive nature but it had softened. Into something almost motherly. In the way of one who was used to being listened to. But kind.
This here would probably be better if you added commas instead of periods, since these aren’t really separate actions, more like a sequence of events relating to Verena assuming character.
“Her voice still had its assertive nature, but it had softened into something almost motherly, like she was used to being obeyed.”
The boy stumbled into a clumsy bow, "Miss Parker! My apologies," he backed away from Verena," We was looking for you."
You might mean “We were looking for you.”
He guessed it was hidden in the massize stairccase that took over most of the rear of the room.
You might want to rephrase this as “He guessed it was hidden in the massive staircase that took over most of the rear of the room.”
"oh um. " He cleared his thouht,"i was just wondering where Miss, ah Miss Parkers new, Quarters where located." He pointed to the suitcases on either side of him,"i ahve her things."
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
“oh, um-” He cleared his throat, “I was just wondering where miss…Miss Parker’s new quarters were located.” He pointed to the suitcases on either side of him. “I have her things.”
Jamess ears perked at the familiar word, recalling it within the ission folder,"yes, that is me. Chadwich Rodsworth. Lolvley to make you aquiantece." HE smiled up at the woman, who had now come to a stop on front of him. She looked to be middle aged. With large glolwing golden eyes. Her Shinging charcoal hair pulled back in a tight simple updo.
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
“James’ ears perked at the familiar word, recalling it within the mission folder, “yes, that is me. Chadwick Rodsworth. Lovely to make your acquaintance.” He smiled at the woman, who had now come to a stop in front of him. She looked to be middle aged, with large, glowing golden eyes. Her shining charcoal hair pulled back in a tight, simple updo.
I actually really like this description, all things considered, just watch that pesky grammar!
The same to you Mr Rodsworth, I am Lauthsly, the head maid of the manor. Miss Parkers chambers are just up here.
Looks like you missed the quotation marks on this sentence.
James bent and picked up the suitcaes again and she waved her hand towards the staircase. SHe set off at a brisk pace up the stairs. The stride of one whod taken that trip a milllion times. James figured he'd soon be able to set that pae,. But fot eh time being he was practically runninig to catch up with here, nearly tripping on the steps.
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
“James bent and picked up the suitcases again and she waved her hand towards the staircase. She set off at a brisk pace up the stairs. The stride of one who'd taken the trip a million times. James figured he'd soon be able to set the pace, but for the time being he was practically running to catch up with her, nearly tripping on the steps.”
James crested the top of the stairs and set the suitcases own, strecthing his back,"oh boy." then realized that Miss Lauthsly was already far down the left hall way. He picked up the suitcases again, scrambeleing to catch up. He hugged the cases in to his body. trying not to bump the narrow hallway walls. Nor he various expensive looking paintinsg or decorations desplayed within it.
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
“James crested the top of the stairs and set the suitcases down, stretching his back,"oh boy." then realized that Miss Lauthsly was already far down the left hallway. He picked up the suitcases again, scrambling to catch up. He hugged the cases to his body. trying not to bump the narrow hallway walls, nor the various expensive-looking paintings or decorations displayed within.”
" Mr Chadwick, such cuious ccents both you and the Lady have, where are you both from agin."
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
"Mr Chadwick, such curious accents both you and the lady have, where are you both from again?"
Miss Lauthsly hummed in response. They continued in what was a awkwards scilnce for James, he wasnt ure if it was awkwards for her. He wrinkeled his eyebrows as he caught a wiff of, something. Paistries? he lcked his lips, suddenly wondering if he'd left behind something in his time.
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
“Miss Lauthsly hummed in response. They continued in what was a awkward silence for James, he wasn't sure if it was awkward for her. He wrinkled his eyebrow as he caught a whiff of something. Pastries? he licked his lips, suddenly wondering if he'd left something behind in his time.”
The head maid peered at him over her shouler,"im not familiar ith the word, what are they?"
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
The head maid peered at him over her shoulder, "I'm not familiar with the word, what are they?"
"thier a pasrty we have in our counrty. a sweet dough thats risen, then shaped into a circle and fried. Commonly covered in chocolate."
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
"their a pastry we have in our country. A sweet dough that's risen, then shaped into a circle and fried, commonly covered in chocolate."
He watched her consider this for a moment. finally she replised,"i do not reconzie this, parhaps you shall have to bring some, someday."
He frowned,"parhaps."
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
He watched her consider this for a moment. finally she replied,"I do not recognize this, perhaps you shall have to bring some, someday."
He frowned,"perhaps."
e nodded, he woudlnt have to go up and down the stairs everytime Verena needed him then. Brilliant. He raised an eyebrow. He'dbeen here ten minutes and the lingo was already starting to invate his thoughts. He coudlnt remeber the last time hed though of the word "brilliant, much less said it out loud. "Brilliant." he tasted the word, liking the way it rolled off his touge.
You may want to rephrase this quote as…
he nodded, he wouldn't have to go up and down the stairs everytime Verena needed him then, brilliant. He raised an eyebrow. He'd been here ten minutes and the lingo was already starting to invade his thoughts. He couldn't remember the last time he'd thought of the word "brilliant”, much less said it out loud. "Brilliant.'' He tasted the word, liking the way it rolled off the tongue.
The Castle ~ Closer
From what I read, it seems like you rushed this chapter towards the end. Please take your time writing, and comb over your grammar before moving on. I understood what was going on, but I felt rather distracted toward the end of this chapter because of the magnitude of grammar mistakes. I actually really thought your descriptions stood out here, but they were held back by the jumbled words.
Please don’t take this criticism as me disliking your story thus far! Please keep on writing, and I will keep the reviews coming!
Points: 10744
Reviews: 81
Donate