Chapter Three: Chaos 1.3

by LadyMysterio

Published December 22, 2023

12+

In Double agent nano 2023 novel

Someone was screaming. James winced and flinched hard, tossing himself back and forth, as his grasp on consciousness came back. It was then he realized he was screaming, and it was echoing back at him.

Which was rather embarrassing.

His cheeks flushed and he gripped the sides of the bed as heavy breaths rattled his chest. Something heavy kept his lungs from inflating. He lifted his head. Thick suffocating straps ran across his chest.

He realized that he had straps over him, attached to the table

Why was he strapped to a table?

He set his head back down, recounting his last memories.

Oh. Right.

He winced. He'd gone after Verena and had been tased down by one of the Corporation's men. Wonderful for his track record.

Oh.

Verena.

His eyes darted around the room, twisting his body around to get a better view of everything.

It almost looked like he was in an insane asylum. Four, perfect, symmetrical, smooth white walls, and a similar white hard shiny floor and ceiling. And he was smack dab in the middle, bathed in the cold white light that blasted down from the ceiling with an ominous buzz.

He frowned. This was getting weirder than a minute.

"Uh, hello?" He listened as his question echoed off the walls.

No one answered.

"Ok weird."

James tugged on the straps over his chest. They'd only put them over his chest and legs, not his hands. Or head.

"OPERATIVE JAMESON," The room spoke.

James screamed again.

He attempted to kick his foot against the bed," For crying out loud stop scaring me and come let me out? u think a getaway driver? Is capable of killing you?"

Silence.

Then a door creaked open. One he hadn't noticed was even there.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, "James frowned.

Another handsomely dressed figure entered the room, "Operative Jameson." His monotone voice filled the room.

"Yeah, you said that already. Why does everyone in this place wear suits? And why am I strapped to a table?"

In response, the man strode over and released the restraints holding Jameson down with a snap. It echoed sharply through the room. Then crossed his arms and started into his soul. Although James couldn't read anything in the foreboding, shaded glasses he wore.

He sat up, careful of the now loose straps. Then swung his legs over one side, facing the man, "Gonna be honest I felt like a kid in trouble. It would be great, if you worked on your communication skills a little bit, and told me why I’m here."

They stared at each other for a moment. James took the opportunity to take a mental note of what he carried on his person.

He still wore the black cargo pants and shirt he'd put on before the stake out. He did a quick inventory of his pockets. They had emptied them. He frowned. Even the chocolate bar he'd saved for later was gone.

The man in front of him finally spoke again, commandeering his attention.

"Why did you leave your post."

"Oh so that's what this is about. To go after Verena. "He threw it out. As plain as day.

"Why?"

"Why, not?

"That's not your job."

"Ok, so whose was it?"

"Hers."

James almost laughed.

"So, ok. Imagine your best friend is stuck in a burning building, and you know you can at least try to help her. Why would you not?"

"That's the first responder's job."

"Yeah, but you know what, they were not there.”

No response. The buzzing of the lights hung in his ear like a mosquito.

James sighed, "well you’d hate having me as a friend then. That's for sure. Look, I left my post because Verena went black. I saw the place she was in blow up in flames. And no one was coming. So I went, or at least tried to go in after her. “ He paused, trying to find the man's eyes through his deep sunglasses,” Can you at least tell me if she's okay?"

The darkly shrouded man stared at him again.

James slammed his hands down on the bed, "Is. She. Ok” He emphasized every word, heavily.

That garnered a reply, "Agent Laufy's whereabouts are none of your concern."

James bit his cheek, "Yeah, no they kind of are. Alright. At least tell me if, you know, she's at least alive. Or dead, something."

He watched the man sigh, then look at one of the blank walls. Or what at least looked like a blank wall. The intercom crackled, and a lifeless voice boomed through the room, "Agent Laufy is alive."

James let out a sigh of relief, "Ok! And where is she?"

"You left your post to attempt to recover Agent Laufy. Correct?" Whoever controlled the loudspeaker in the room had taken over the conversation.

"Yes.” James' head started to throb.

"You did not come into contact with any other targets or suspects?"

"Suspects? I-no, I mean one of you tasered me. Thanks by the way. My spine feels like it got wringed out."

James eyed the man still standing in front of him, "I'm not sure why you're interrogating me. All I did was leave my post to help my partner. I understand I'm not supposed to or that. Won't happen again," He paused and mumbled," I will. Anyway, I didn't have any secret meetings with the enemy or anything. The only other person I saw was one of your guys. You can tap into my memory for all I care. I don't know what else you want from me. Or this weird not-normal, put me in a blank room like I'm psychotic, interrogation. It's the truth, it's what I know.. Let me see Verena." He sucked in a deep breath, having spent all of it, "please.”

A distant click and a motor sounded, and one of the walls cracked. James jerked his head around, his messy hair shading his view. He combed it back with his fingers and cautiously slid off the table and stepped over to the wall. It shifted, no longer becoming a bright shade of white, but translucent screen blotted with blobs of colour, slowly shifting into focus.

It cleared, revealing itself as a large pane of glass. A window into another room.

It was a dimly lit room, two other combat suited men stood on either side of a small chair. In the chair a figure sat, slumped over. He peered at the figure. One of the men nudged the chair. The person nudged them back rather violently, and slowly lifted her head, pieces of long knotted hair draped over her soot marked face. The contrasting dark marks made her fair skin seemingly paler. Verena smiled weakly at James. His eyes widened as she said something, her words lost in space.

James whipped around and almost planted his face into the man's chest behind him. He stepped back, almost against the glass, "Why is she in there?" he demanded, "she looks like she needs medical attention!" He faced the glass and tapped it with his fist, "VERENA"

She tilted her head at him and then looked at the two men surrounding her, and then back at him. He watched her shrug, reading the weariness on her face. He stared at her for a moment and questioned the man behind him, "ok what is this about? Why are we in some sort of confinement."

James pushed past him and threw his arms open, "why."

The intercom chuckled, "A simple protocol that's all. You are free to go."

"Oh so that's all, is it?" James looked back at Verena, who, if he was reading her right, might have looked impressed. The room echoed a click bouncing around the stark walls.. He turned to find his assigned bodyguard of the last few minutes, leaving the room through yet another hidden door.

James looked back over at Verena, who was watching her guards leave the room. He dashed out the door, entering a bleak hallway. The guards had disappeared, to where he didn't know. Ten feet away door stood ajar, "Vee!" he burst through the door, almost causing it to hit Verena, who was standing in front of it.

He started to reach out, then paused "Oh, um sorry. I um," he closed his eyes and dropped his head into her shoulder, "I'm so glad you're ok."

He heard her wince and opened his eyes. "oh." he took a step back, eyes tracing over her shoulders," Why is there a crystal in your shoulder?"

Verena patted him on the back, "collateral damage you could say. It's not bleeding. Anymore. Interrogating me was more important than pulling foreign objects out of my body. I suppose.

He gave her a gentle push," Come on, let's get you checked out then."

He waited until they were out in the hallway before taking up pace beside her," you know. I'd think they'd treat their top agent a little better." A sigh," if I didn't have a criminal record, and work for an undercover operation, I'd quit and become, well I'm not sure. but something.

Verena shrugged, "It's business."

James frowned, "Sure."

A few minutes of silence passed between the two as they passed through hallways. Nodding out other operatives and agents. When they finally made it to the infirmary. James noticed that Verena's walk had become far less graceful than usual," Uh Frog-Woman, is your foot ok?"

"Yeah-frog? Pardon?" She looked at him, face scrunched up in confusion.

"Well, it doesn't look ok."

"Why are you calling me frogwoman?"

"It's your new nickname," James smirked at her

"Oh not this again." she groaned

"Seriously. what's up with your foot."

"It's fine, James I most likely nicked it on some glass or something."

"mhm yes, the definition of fine. Limping is totally normal. Oh look here comes the Doc, why don't we ask her?"

A tall woman in neat scrubs swept up to them, "Ask me what, operative Jameson?"

Verena sighed. James smiled and his head at Verena, "She thinks she is fine, but she has glass in her shoulder and foot. So we're asking for your opinion."

The doc smiled back at him, then looked at Verena, "Come on, Agent Laufy gets you patched up. I've heard a rumor that you've already got another assignment."

James rocked back and forth on his heels, "I'm gonna stay out here because both of you know how well I fare around. uh blood and other things that should stay within one's body." he shrugged at the doctor," if she needs holding down. It's an imposter.'

Verena turned and glared at him as the doctor gently guided her into another room. James swiveled, examining the room, in an effort, to entertain himself. HE patted his pockets, where his chocolate bar was when he needed it. He wondered if they'd give it back. Maybe there was a vending machine in the hallway?

Glancing back in the direction Verena and Doctor Roth had disappeared in. He stepped into the hallway. Looking up and down it.

"Ah. Chocolate, here I come!"

He'd spotted a pitch-black, glossy, tall box, opposite of the way they'd come from. He rubbed his hands together and almost skipped over to it.

"Now what do we have?" he scanned his options, "they really should add donuts to these things."

After some serious deliberation, he decided a simple bar of dark chocolate would do. He tapped his watch and the screen lit up, a digital screen made to look vintage. James pressed it against a small black screen where a pin pad would normally be on a vending machine. Both pads beeped and he let his hand drop, waiting for the machine to drop his chosen treat.

He reached his hand through the small slot of the drop box. Stretching his fingers to find the treat. Managing to dig out the bar from the depths, he opened it as he started to stride back to the infirmary.

"Operative Jameson."

He paused, mid bit, then sighed, "You guys really love calling people out of nowhere. and you guys can call me James. My name has two literal James in it. James, Jame-" A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, " you are needed in the Dome."

"Oooh. ok, "James tried to shrug off the hand on his shoulder, uneasy, "but Agent Verena is-"

"Here." she stepped out of the door. Her stance, the example of "called to attention." Almost as if she had come through a portal.

"oh," James folded the wrapping over his chocolate bar and tucked it in his pocket, "alrighty then."

The hand on his shoulder disappeared and the messenger left them in an empty hallway.

James looked Verena up and down," better? Or better-ish?"

She nodded and tapped her watch, "they don't like to be waiting." James followed her as she seemed to use her watch to navigate to an area of the wall. Walking down the hallway. With a single look at each other, they both pressed their watches to the wall. A door-like perimeter lit up then lifted off the wall and enveloped both of them. leaving behind nothing but an empty quiet stretch of corridor

The domes' whereabouts in the HQ were unknown by all but the director. The only way to access it was through portal-like doors. Which were hiding and positioned in random places throughout the HQ. The only way to find the ever-changing locations of the portals, was by navigation of the watches. And only when summoned. Entry without a summons was strict and forbidden. The consequences no one knew, no one had dared break that rule. or at least lied to tell the tale.

They appeared side by side, as they had stood in the hall. On a raised circular, intricate carved slab of stone. Though the rest of the HQ held a rather plain and stiff aesthetic. The dome looked as if it had traveled out of some magical timeline. James admired the floor, not that, that was possible of course. It was only for impressions. No matter how many times he entered it, he was always left in some state of awe.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
goodolnoah
Review
goodolnoah wrote a review Review · Jun 1, 2024

Image

Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!

Hello again! ~ Writing Commentary

Four, perfect, symmetrical, smooth white walls, and a similar white hard shiny floor and ceiling. And he was smack dab in the middle, bathed in the cold white light that blasted down from the ceiling with an ominous buzz.


One thing I love is the way that you go about describing things. Using words like “bathed” and “blasted” make the situation seem more tense, definitely points for that!

He sat up, careful of the now loose straps. Then swung his legs over one side, facing the man, "Gonna be honest I felt like a kid in trouble. It would be great, if you worked on your communication skills a little bit, and told me why I’m here."


Again, I do really like your dialogue! All of your characters seem to have a particular way of speaking that makes them distinct. I really like James’ dialogue because he comes off as very…informal? It’s an interesting trait to add to someone whose supposed to be in a group of super-spies.

He peered at the figure. One of the men nudged the chair. The person nudged them back rather violently, and slowly lifted her head, pieces of long knotted hair draped over her soot marked face. The contrasting dark marks made her fair skin seemingly paler. Verena smiled weakly at James. His eyes widened as she said something, her words lost in space.


This is an awesome description! I can really tell you put care into Verena’s revelation to James. I like how it slowly builds so we can be left to wonder what James is feeling in this moment, since he’s shown how much he cares about Verena.

Some recommendations…

I saw somewhere that you liked to edit your chapters along with the 1.# system to show what “edition” we are on. Since that is the case, I will try and add in some edits that can be made to improve dialogue, descriptions, etc, if that’s alright! Regardless, this is all my opinion, and thus, should be taken lightly, since I’m still a growing writer myself! I hope I don’t sound too harsh, and if I do, please know that none of this is to be taken personally!

His cheeks flushed and he gripped the sides of the bed as heavy breaths rattled his chest. Something heavy kept his lungs from inflating. He lifted his head. Thick suffocating straps ran across his chest.
He realized that he had straps over him, attached to the table

This may be a bit of a nitpick, but perhaps you could get rid of the “he realized he had straps over him” sentence? To me, it feels like you are just restating the previous line above. I think it may be better to add to what he feels. How are the straps suffocating him? Perhaps describe the feeling of suffocation so the reader feels drawn into what he’s experiencing.
He frowned. This was getting weirder than a minute.


You might mean “by the minute”

u think a getaway driver? Is capable of killing you?"


I think you would want this to be phrased as “you think a getaway driver is capable of killing you?”

In response, the man strode over and released the restraints holding Jameson down with a snap. It echoed sharply through the room. Then crossed his arms and started into his soul.


*stared into his soul.

The man in front of him finally spoke again, commandeering his attention.
"Why did you leave your post."

You probably mean commanding instead of commandeering, and “why did you leave your post.” should have a question mark instead of a period, I believe.
"Come on, Agent Laufy gets you patched up. I've heard a rumor that you've already got another assignment."


You’d probably want the good doctor here to say “Come on Agent Laufy, let’s get you patched up.”

Love and…Partners ~ Story Commentary

My favorite part about the story here is that we are able to see James’ care for Verena truly deepen here. His reactions to her injured state were some of my favorite parts here. He seems to almost disregard his own well-being in favor of Verena.

I am curious about this HQ. Do they know these men who have taken them in and interrogated them? Seems like a big no. Not to jump ahead, or anything, but I feel like this is where the name “double agent” comes in. Will they become agents of the opposing side to infiltrate the spy network they were originally working for? If so, I wonder how Verena will react!

Waking up ~ Closer

Interesting development here! It is interesting what you are doing here with the POV stuff. I understand you asked about pacing when you requested reviews, and I really want to stress that I see nothing wrong with your pacing so far! I’ve written a story where I switched between three POVs, and I also wonder if the pacing is a bit funky. I certainly think there are ways to use it well, and ways to fumble with it. I will certainly have more thoughts by the time I am caught up!

Hi Noah! Yes I would love any thoughts you have on pacing!
Thank you so much for all the Grammer bits and what it, I do not mind nitpicky!

User avatar
goodolnoah
Comment
goodolnoah commented Comment · May 30, 2024

Hello there! I am a bit confused about this chapter, since in it's current state, it seems like a copy of the previous chapter. Perhaps an error when you put down the re-edited version of it? Seems that other reviewers read something different.

Looks like the next chapter is from Verena's pov as well. I assume this one used to be a James pov, then.

I will certainly make a full review when you post the og chapter!

Ooh that may be an error! I've had some trouble with the publishing centers. thanks for pointing that out!!

User avatar
Roxanne
Review
Roxanne wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2023

’Tis the Season!



Amidst the twinkling lights of my festive rose garden, I spy with my little eye...

Something cinematic; another chapter titled “Chaos”".

Alrighty, no more delays! Let’s put these review skillz into action, shall we?

Image

The chapter opens with James who wakes up, disoriented, abandoned by his dear chocolate bar and completely tense. It's the scene to create the perfect suspense and curiosity for a reader, it sure did for me.

The thoughts and monologue of James and the dialogue that comes after that with him and the mysterious person (who lacks communication skills), definitely enhances the character development of James. He is sarcastic as hell, gets scared as a scaredy cat while still being an annoying rebel who questions everyone and everything. Like wow... I absolutely love this character..

Some descriptions, however, could really help to enhance the suspense layer of the story. The descriptions could've been of a lot of help to create that eerie and unusual setting, perhaps you could describe the room (in which James wakes up) a bit more; the colours of the wall, the light (does it radiate a warm feeling or blinding and cold) and even the strange atmosphere.

Furthermore, while James his actions are generally clear and described well, delving more into his emotions could really help to create a better connection between the reader and the character. His sarcastic comments help a lot to "describe" his character, but descriptions can do that as well.
But while descriptions are essential, be mindful of their length to maintain a good balance with the action and dialogue and also to avoid a tedious read. Too much description can slow down the pacing in an action scene

Verena is actually THE action hero of your story, her actions are perfect for that role. But since she is frogwoman, the action hero, perhaps consider providing the reader with more character traits of her, this could help to develop her character.

Two last things;
Firstly, you mention quite some advanced technology, this is good for such a story with all the action and suspense, but it could benefit from some more explanation to help readers understand such elements better.
And secondly, there are a few typo's, missing spaces, and punctuation issues. A thorough proofread would help polish the writing and definitely ensure a smooth reading experience.

Please remember, first drafts are meant to exist and these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the impact and depth of your story. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.

Everything in all and all in everything, every story has its own "ups and downs", but you're writing a captivating story which has a lot of potential. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Happy Holidays!🎄

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Rose-tinted regards!

Thanks for the review tea! I'm working on putting more character descriptions in. I should also add, that this is James POV. It switches between chapters.

Unfortunately I have run this through two different spell/grammer/overall sentence checkers. And read it out loud a few times. But thanks for pointing out there's a few things that I missed.!

creeperfeverdreams wrote a review Review · Dec 23, 2023

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Let us commence with the review!

Top Graham Cracker - James is back at the main building, with Verena. They’re both safe and sound, except that James doesn’t have his chocolate bar anymore…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -In the beginning, when James is screaming, you put in a period. I don’t think that a period is needed, but you do not have to listen to this.

Chocolate Bar - I like how you compared the room to an asylum, it really DOES give asylum vibes! I also like the parts when James is upset that his precious chocolate is gone and when he calls Verena Frogwoman. It’s cute that he gave her a nickname. :>

Closing Graham Cracker -Another great chapter! I can’t wait to see what will happen next. Verena is safe, which is good, but what about the Prime Minister? What will he do?

I wish you an amazing day/night!



Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg