The Tower's Magic ― Chapter One

by LadyEvvy

Published October 6, 2015

In Misc.

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Even from a distance, Margaret Howes found the school intimidating. A high wrought iron fence snaked eerily around a menacing stone building. Towers and turrets stretched high into the murky sky, flags hanging heavy and limp in the humid summer air. Where was her father when she needed him? How could he left her to this fate?

Margaret glanced over at her stepmother, riding beside her in the carriage, her brilliant blue eyes staring ahead as though her stepdaughter didn't exist. I might as well evaporate. She won't be seeing me again. No one will, thought Margaret despondently. She had been feeling very despondent as of late.

As soon as Margaret's father had finally died of his kidney failure, his second wife, Jasmine, was more than eager to be rid of Margaret. With the heir to the family fortune out of the way, Jasmine's own son would inherit the family property and a great deal of wealth.

Of course, there was no guarantee that Margaret wouldn't return, but the odds were not exactly in her favor. The vast majority of students sent to the Magic Academy were never seen or heard from again. 

Margaret already knew what people would say when she disappeared. At first her friends would think she had fallen ill. After a few weeks with no indication of her whereabouts, they would realize what must have become of her. Word would spread that she had been sent to magic school. It would be the new hot topic. 

People would, of course, wonder what she had done for her stepmother to send her there. Due to the number of children who vanished into the school, it was often used as a scapegoat, a way to quietly get rid of children who the parents didn't want involved in the inheritance or family business. It was expensive, but it was a way to slip unwanted children out of a person's life without losing too much face or drawing undesired attention.

Eventually, the subject would wear out, people would forget, and Margaret's memory would give way to everyday business and the latest fashion trends. That was how it had been for the other children who had inexplicably disappeared. Levi Simons, Eva May Page, the shy blonde girl who never spoke; people from Margaret's past flashed through her head in quick succession. 

"We're nearly there, darling, and about time, too. Make yourself presentable." Jasmine's eyes were glittering excitedly as the carriage rolled smoothly up to the gate. Margaret would never understand why Jasmine insisted on calling her "darling." Maybe it was simply because she knew how much she hated it.

A young footman in a deep blue uniform slipped through the building's door and walked out to meet the carriage. He seemed slightly familiar to Margaret, though she couldn't quite figure out why.

The footman helped Jasmine down from the carriage. Margaret refused his proffered hand and trudged out of the carriage on her own. He hefted Margaret's luggage into his arms and marched into the building without a word.

"No one here to greet us? Really? What poor manners. You would think the headmaster would at least send a teacher out to meet me." Jasmine seemed to have taken the footman's silence as a personal offense, and complained about the school's poor taste all the way to the door. Of course, she was used to being in the outer circle of the queen's affections, and expected the finest treatment.

As Margaret and her stepmother reached the door, the footman set Margaret's bag down and help up a hand.

"You, leave," he finally spoke to Jasmine. "Follow me," he said, looking at Margaret.

Margaret half expected Jasmine to argue, if only to put the servant in his place. To her surprise, Jasmine merely sniffed indignantly and marched back to the carriage. Jasmine was just as terrified of the wizards as everyone else. She would be eager to leave as soon as she could.

Margaret watched the carriage cruise away, her courage going with it. When she finally turned around, she saw the servant striding away down a grand foyer. She hustled after him as quickly as her dress would allow.

While still trying to keep an eye on the footman, Margaret tried to study the foyer. It had a high, vaulted ceiling, and the beams overhead were completely covered with intricate patterns and draped with colorful cloth. Despite the ornate decorations dedicated to the ceiling, the rest of the room was simple and bare. There were no decorations on the walls, and the floor was made from plain stone. Margaret would have expected marble or high-quality hardwood.

The servant lead Margaret down many long, winding corridors. The halls twisted up on themselves so much that after just a few minutes, Margaret was utterly lost.

They passed innumerable doors, but the servant was marching along so fast that she didn't get a good look at any of them. In front of a particularly ornate door, Margaret had paused to study the embellishments, and when she had turned back down the hall, she had to practically run to catch up with the servant. She counted herself lucky that she didn't like corsets. Surely she'd have long run  our of breath by now had she been wearing one.

As she trailed along after the servant, Margaret became increasingly scared. And angry.

Perhaps he's forgotten I'm even here? The footman hadn't so much as glanced at her since she had stepped out of the carriage.

"Would you mind telling me where we're going?" she asked, a slight edge to her voice. Her guide didn't answer.

After what seemed like an eternity, they finally arrived at a dark chamber, about the size of Margaret's old bedroom. In the center was what appeared to be pond, with a bluish light shining from the bottom.

Margaret stepped toward the pool, then whipped around when she heard the door slam shut behind her. The servant was gone.

"Wait!" she cried. As much as the man's silence had annoyed her, Margaret didn't want to be alone.

She rushed back to the door, only to find it locked. Panicking now, she turned back to face the pond. The bluish light shining through the water cast ripples of ever-shifting light onto the walls, giving the illusion that the room was underwater. The constant waving made Margaret dizzy, so she shut her eyes to steady herself. When she opened them again, she spotted something floating on the surface of the water. It looked like... a bird? A swan maybe? She couldn't tell.

She scanned the shadows along the walls. No one else appeared to be in the room. The water didn't look too deep. If she took her shoes off, she could probably wade in without getting her dress wet. She wouldn't have to go to far, just enough to get a closer look at the bird, or whatever it was.

Still nervous about getting caught, Margaret slipped out of her shoes and stockings, placing them by the water's edge. She would only take a few seconds, then come back, she decided.

She hoisted her skirts up as far as she could, and stepped carefully into the water, keeping a wary eye on the bird. As she waded into the pond, however, Margaret felt something icy grip her ankle and drag her toward the pool's center.

She lost her balance and fell into the water, thrashing desperately. The pool became deeper as her invisible assailant dragged her toward the middle, and soon she was drawn under the water. She held her breath as long as she could, before her vision went black.

- - - 

Margaret awoke with the sun in her eyes and her dress twisted and damp around her, as though she had been tossed unceremoniously on the floor. As her memories flooded back to her, she realized that that was a surprisingly reasonable possibility.

The room around her, a bedroom, was not the best reflection of her status, but it would do for the time being. Oh, come on, Marge! How can you think about something like that? At a time like this?

A boy sat in one corner of the room, fiddling with something in his hands. Margaret sat up and tried to sort herself out. The boy looked up. He was scrawny, with bony limbs and messily chopped hair. He looked to be about... 14, maybe?

Margaret wasn't sure what to ask first. Where was she? Who was this boy? What was she supposed to do? She decided to start with something polite.

"Might I ask your name?" she asked.

"Finally awake, princess? I was beginning to think you'd just lay there forever." The boy said, voice dripping sarcasm. It was then that Margaret realized that this was not a boy at all, that this child was, in fact, a girl. A very ugly girl. Margaret thought it best not to mention that.

"Er, well, yes. I'm Margaret. And who might you be?"

"What's it to you?"

"Well, I'd like to know."

"Too bad."

This girl's attitude was starting to get on Margaret's nerves. Just who did this child think she was?

Margaret tried again. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I'd like to know where I am."

"And I'd like a puppy, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna get one."

"What is your problem?" Margaret was usually very dignified, but she was tired and scared and angry, and this child was not even remotely helping!

"Shall I make you a list?" The girl was grinning now. "Let's see here. I'm sick of working for a bunch of ungrateful, blue-blooded brats, and here comes another one now. I've been in this god-forsaken school for hell knows how long now, and the only person I've seen in a week--"

"Shut up! Just- just shut up, alright? I'm tired, and I don't want to be here any more than you do. You're not going to keep bullying me when I've done nothing to you! Just shut up!" All of the day's rage burst from Margaret in a sudden torrent of words. She expected the girl to apologize, or at least stop smirking, but she only grinned more wildly.

"That's the spirit!" she said cheerily.

Margaret wanted to yell at her more for her cheek, but then she realized that the girl was right. This was the spirit. Margaret vowed silently to herself that no one was going to push her around. Not this girl, not the magicians, and certainly not Jasmine.

Screw everyone. Stay angry.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ArcticMonkey
Review
ArcticMonkey wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2015

Hi, LadyEvvy!

I agree with Noelle, I really like the premise of this story that it's about children who get sent to this place when the adults get tired of them. I haven't read on yet but it'd be cool to see how like the youngsters cope with a world without adults? Sort of like in the Gone book series, or maybe not at all. Still, it's a really cool idea, well done!

Most of my suggestions are on specific things so let's get started.

How could he have left her to this fate?


her brilliant blue eyes

I thought brilliant was kind of a weird adjective to use here... what do you actually mean by that?

As soon as Margaret's father had finally died of his kidney failure,

'Finally' died, man that seems quite harsh. Maybe more of a back story of why she doesn't like her father, otherwise yeah, that seems like too harsh of a word to be using.

it was often used as a scapegoat,

I don't think scapegoat is the right word to use here as it means more like a group of people/person who gets the blame for everything. I think you mean more of an 'excuse' here?

This girl's attitude was starting to get on Margaret's nerves.

I personally think at this point the girl hasn't said too much to get on Margaret's nerves, unless Margaret is particularly irritable. This may be a case of too much author-intrusion, which basically means you know the little girl will eventually be quite rude but you've made Margaret react a bit too early. Try and think if you were in the exact situation how you'd react at that point.

With specific stuff out of the way, I think the way the sentences are written could have some improvements. Firstly, I noticed that a lot of them start with *character's name* or *she*, like perhaps try starting with an adverb to vary it up a bit. Right now reading the same kinds of sentences all the time isn't the most exciting thing. You might also want to think about making them a bit longer too because right now they're all quite short.

This brings me to my next point, I'd like to see a slight bit more of description. I think the ones you have now are pretty good, but some more would be great. It's quite an abstract concept behind the story, as in, it isn't like real life therefore I think a lot more description is needed to beef it up a bit and give the reader a real picture of what is going on. This also means you can use longer sentences to do this as they were better in describing things.

Overall, this is a cool concept and I look forward to reading more. Just think about the formality of your writing, because it seems a bit odd to me right now- especially as it's not even in the first person. Also, try and vary your sentences. I hope this review helped, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,

~ArcticMonkey x

Thanks for all your comments! I'll go back and take another look at my word choice, and I see what you mean about the descriptions. I really appreciate it!

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Oct 16, 2015

Hi there!

Sooooo I totally read the end first while I was scrolling down to get to the review box. I just have to say this: greatest two sentences I have ever seen to end out a chapter. Okay onto the real review now :3

Why is it that you have all these reviews on the other chapters, but only one review on this one? :( Come on people get your act together! Oh well, now you'll have two ^_^

At first glance, Margaret Clarissa Howes found the school intimidating. Upon closer inspection, Margaret found it more daunting still.

Two things. First, is it really important that we know her full name at the very beginning of the story? I'd be happy with just knowing that her first name is Margaret. I mean, if it's important that we know her full name it's good to have it in there, but if it really has no importance to it then why not save it for later. Second, there isn't much of a difference between these sentences. All that's being described is how Margaret knew the school was intimidating and daunting from the start. If she had come closer and realized it was actually happy princess pony rainbow land (sorry, lack of sleep = hyper/random Noelle :3) then it would make sense to have the comparison. Both of these descriptions sound the same to me so maybe think of a way to combine them or just take one out.

Here's another place where two sentences mention the same thing:
thought Margaret despondently. Margaret had been feeling very despondent as of late.

It's obvious that she's been feeling despondent because it's just mentioned that she thought despondently ;) My suggestion is to either cut out the second sentence here or replace "very despondent" with something like "a lot like that", something that won't repeat the word despondent so close together.

One thing I've noticed as I read through the first two paragraphs (I tend to review as I read which backs up my sometimes randomness) I notice a lot of the name Margaret and very little pronouns. I see a lot more pronouns later on so just take a quick look back at those first four or so paragraphs and see if you can use some more pronouns. It'll really help with the overall flow of the story.

Ooooh, I really like this premise. A magic school that children got sent away to when adults wanted them to vanish? Sweet! I once read a book called The School of Good and Evil (or something like that) where kids would get snatched up in the night and taken to a school without warning. This reminds me of that in a way. This school is voluntary though. I can't wait to find out other reasons for why kids are here at the school.

"No one here to greet us? Really? What poor manners. You would think the headmaster would at least send a teacher out to meet me."

I love this dialogue from Jasmine. Since she's a stepmother and she's sending Margaret away I've assumed that she's evil. From this dialogue alone though, I've also figured out that she's selfish/full of herself. She starts off saying that there's no one to greet them, but then last says a teacher should've been sent to great her. Interesting how her thinking changed so suddenly like that.

I think you missed a good opportunity here to give us some setting details. When Margaret is hustling through the corridors I couldn't wait to hear what the school looked like on the inside. But all I got was following her as she tried to keep up with the servant. I can understand her not having time to really look around, but there would be little things she'd no doubt notice like the lighting, the wall color, statues (if there are any), little things like that. Even those small details would help to bring the image of the school more to life.

Well I most definitely enjoyed reading this! I especially like the girl at the end there. She made me laugh. Like, a real laugh. She's so darn sarcastic and just seems to hate Margaret. It's great.

I can't wait to read more! There isn't much else I have to say because I enjoyed this so much. Usually I'll write something at the end to wrap up my review, but I'm so invested in this story right now that I can't think of anything to say. Great job with this! I'm looking forward to getting to the other chapters :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Thank you very much for the review! This was a lot of very helpful commentary.

The repeated lines, in both cases, were sort of put there for emphasis, but I can see how they might clog up the writing. I'll see what I can do about that.

I actually read The School for Good and Evil quite recently, and some of the ideas came from that.

Good point about the setting details as well. Sometimes I'll have an image in my head and forget other people can't see it. I'll be sure to correct that.

I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I know I love writing it. Thanks again for the help!

-Evvy

User avatar
Europa
Review
Europa wrote a review Review · Oct 6, 2015

Howdy! TheFantasy14 Here! Glad to meet you!
I'll star with the things I liked.
Yuor style was great, and your writing flowed very nicely. I like both your characters, and the fact that they seem to be polar opposites. I look forward to seeing how all your characters develop in later chapters.

I have to ask, what time is this set in? I wasn't too clear on it until you mentioned the horse drawn carriage. It seems to be set in a sort of Renisance world, but I could be wrong...

Also, do the other people mentioned in this chapter come in at all? If your main character remembers them, does that mean they had some personal connection with her?

While we're on the subject of character, You might want to take a moment to describe what she looks like. It's hard in first person, but if I can't envision what someone looks like, then it's a little harder for me to create a picture of the story in my mind as I'm reading. Maybe pause and have Margaret look at her reflection in the pond before she wades in.

This was really fun to read. It was fast paced and well written. If you maybe added more detail to it, then it would be, If possible, even better.
Hope this was helpful!
Loves!
-Fanty

Thank you so much for your comments!
I know I wasn't particularly clear on the time setting, mostly because I'm not too sure of it myself. I should decide on a concrete tie period, thank you for pointing that out.
Some of the other people in the chapter may pop up later in minor roles, but they probably won't play major parts, so maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to name them all.
The next chapter is actually going to be written in a different perspective, and she will be described in more detail there. The reflection idea is very good though.
Thank you for your review, I'll try some of those things!



Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire