What If

Friends

I watched from a far as a smile graced your lips and familiar laughter escaped your mouth. The smile you wore lit up you whole face. I felt my heart clench. You used to smile at me that same way, but now, all I receive from you is a glare and I am left to wonder about what could have been.

Best Friends

You laughed at something she said. You held her hand the way you held mine. You grinned at her with green eyes sparkling in amusement. She glared at you, slapped your shoulder, but then she smiled at you adoringly.

She looked at you the same way I did and you gazed at her with that special look that made me feel special.

As if sensing my gaze, you looked up. You caught my eye and a ghost of a smile appeared on you face but it disappeared as quickly as it appeared. In its place was a look of hurt and you quickly tore your gaze away from mine.

She nudged your shoulder and you grinned, but she failed to see the hurt hidden in your eyes. 

I could. 

I could see it clear as day, but all I’m left to do is sit on the sidelines and wonder about what could have been.

Boyfriend

I haven’t seen you since I left nearly a decade ago. I don’t know what it was, but by some miracle, I bumped into you. 

Time did you good.

Your green eyes widened in surprise when they met mine. You murmured my name as realization sank in. All I could manage to give you was a small smile. How could I forget the first boy that I cried over?

You suddenly grinned. “How are you?”

“Fine,” was my simple reply but I guess we both knew that was a lie. “How are you?”

She appeared by your side before you could answer. She gazed at you as if you were the only two people in the room which was impossible, as we were standing in the middle of the mall. She was the same girl I saw with you all those years ago. She entwined your fingers and kissed you on the cheek.

You smiled at me uncomfortably with apology clear in your eyes. It was then she finally noticed me.

I gave her a tight smile. I was just as uncomfortable as you were.

You introduced her as your girlfriend and me as an old friend. An ache in my heart I did not even know existed bloomed.

She smiled at me brightly. I realized that she was the type of girl that would be impossible to hate. She was the picture of perfection. Standing there, I realized why you liked her.

I couldn’t help but feel envious of her. Then one nagging thought would come back to haunt me – we were never together. It was merely a fairytale and all I could think of is what could have been.

Husband

It was nearly a year later that I received an unexpected package. It was an invitation – a wedding invitation to your wedding.

I could practically hear my heart shattering into a million pieces.

I waited ‘til the last day before sending my reply. I knew I’d regret it later.

The day of your wedding arrived before I knew it. I was contemplating on wearing a black dress but decided against it. I wasn’t in mourning. Instead, I opted for simple white summer dress.

From the moment I arrived at the venue, all I received were stares. Almost no one was there. The more people saw me, the more stares I received until finally, one approached me.

“Are you the bride,” she asked hesitantly.

“What,” I had blurted out loudly before taking a deep breath and spoke the word that my heart wished to be the opposite. “No.”

The woman murmured an apology and turned to leave.

“What do you mean,” I called out to her but she never looked back.

Baffled by the woman’s question, I went in search of you. 

I found you in the garden where the reception was supposed to be held. You sat at the edge of the fountain. A mournful expression was clear on your face. Your suit was crumpled, your eyes swollen, and rimmed red. It was clear you had been crying. Why? I did not know.

I took a seat beside you not caring that my white dress would probably be ruined. I took your hand in mine.

At that moment, I felt like I was five years old again holding hands with a boy for the first time. I ran my fingers across your bleeding knuckles.

You green eyes met mine. They were dull, lifeless, and full of pain. A lone tear ran down your cheek and I wiped it away.

“It will all work out in the end,” I whispered.

You looked away and stared blankly but nodded nevertheless.

I led you back inside and cleaned your wounds. It was then your brother found us. A worried expression was on his face and an unopened envelope in his hand.

You grabbed the envelope from him and tore it open. Two things fell into your hand – a note and your ring. Four simple words were written on the note in elegant hand writing: “You love her more.”

Your hand clutched the note. Confusion clear on your face as a broken sob escaped.

A single thought ran through my mind then: What if I was her? Would I leave you like she did? Humiliate you in such a way? 

There was only one answer: I wouldn’t. I would have cherished the day that we were to wed. Every single moment would be forever imprinted in my mind never to be erased. But, in the back of my mine, I knew that I had to accept the truth. In the back of my mind, I knew that all we could be was a dream -- a fantasy -- and all I would be left to do is to think of what could have been.

Father

Years passed and it was only then that I saw you again. A little boy who could have been your twin held your hand. He had your green eyes – the eyes that I loved the most.

You grinned at me from across the street and picked your child up, placing him on your shoulders. You headed in my direction and a small smile graced my lips.

The little boy on your shoulders stared at me inquisitively with those big green eyes of his. 

The memories came back at me again. The dull ache in my bloomed again. Was it wrong for me to wish that it was our child you were holding?

I smiled at your little boy. He slowly smiled at me. His smile was exactly like yours.

It was then I realized knew there was no more hope. All that you and I could ever be was what could have been.

Forever

Decades passed.

The last time I saw you we were already old and wrinkled. Yet even then, my heart still skipped a beat and the long buried ache in my heart returned.

Your green eyes still twinkled with the same amusement in our younger days.

I stayed in place and watched as an adult – your son – ran up to you and guided you to a car. The dull ache in my heart continued to throb.

As I continued to watched, millions of possibilities ran through my mind, but even then I knew it was simply something that could have been.

The Truth (Ending 1)

This is both a reality and a fairy tale.

Were we friends? Yes.

Were we best friends? Definitely.

Were we together together? It lasted three years.

Were you jilted at the altar? No. You were jilted long before a wedding could even occur. And that would serve as my biggest “what if.”

Why?

Because I turned you down. When you were asking for a “Yes,” I gave you a “No.”

You drove home in despair that night. As I watched your car disappear in the distance, a feeling of despair entered my heart. I had this urge to call you back – tell you I was wrong – but I didn’t. Approximately ten minutes later, I received a text from you. There were only four words written: I still love you.

My heart immediately clenched. I knew saying “No,” was a mistake. I tried calling you, but I always went straight to your voicemail. But I didn’t give up. I spent hours trying to call you. Then my phone rang. The moment I answered my phone, all I heard was incoherent words and incessant sobbing. It was your mother.

A gnawing feeling found its way to my heart and I felt worse than I did before. I felt faint. Finally, your sister came through the phone. Though she was more composed than your mother, it was clear that she had been crying. I did not even let her finish what she was saying when I hung up the phone. I grabbed my keys on the way out and tried calling your phone again. I holding on by a thin thread now. With my whole heart, I was hoping and praying that they were wrong. It couldn’t be.

I arrived at your house nearly 15 minutes later. I pushed past your housekeeper without as much as a “Hello” in her direction. The moment I laid eyes on your family, I nearly collapsed on the spot.

Your mother was huddled on the couch sobbing as your sister tried her best to console her, but how could she? How could your sister console your mother when she, herself, wasn’t doing much better? Your brother was merely staring out the window silent tears falling down his face. Your father – gosh – he was blank as a slate. His eyes showed no pain, no grief, no nothing – they were dead.

Your sister looked up at me, eyes rimmed red. The way she looked at me confirmed my worse suspicions: you were gone.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Millions of possibilities ran through my mind. But one thought never left: what if I said “Yes”?

Two police officers arrived soon. They said you were declared dead on the spot. Your car was hit by a drunk driver. You tried avoiding the coming vehicle, but it was already too late. The entire passenger side of your car was totally wrecked. The drunk driver was currently in the ICU, they said.

One of the officers then brought out your phone which was place in an airtight see-through bag. The screen was shattered but you could still read through it.

He asked for your girlfriend, and I hesitantly stepped forward.

He clicked the lock through the plastic and the screen lit up. There it was in plain sight: your last text.

The officer smiled sadly at me. “You were lucky to have a guy such as he.”

All I could do was nod mutely.

He then brought out a white velvet box, now stained red -- stained with your blood. “He was holding this when the paramedics arrived. “ He gave me the box, “We are sorry for your loss.”

My mind was reeling. Why was I the last person you texted? You could have texted your parents, your brother, or your sister. So, why did you text me? Why was I the last person on your mind as you took your last breath? Why me? 

After what I did, why would you still love me?

I stand here today at your funeral, where reality finally sinks in. 

My questions are never going to be answered. 

I never thought I would be asking myself these questions. I always thought that I would pass first, but I guess God had different plans.

I wrote this because I know that they – your family – deserve the truth. 

It is my fault why you are no longer with us. 

If I had just said “Yes” then maybe – just maybe – you and I would still be together. You would still be here right now. We would be planning for our wedding. We would be going to different venues together, looking for the perfect place for our day. But, it wasn’t meant to be. 

I’m all alone and it’s entirely my fault.

The engagement ring you bought me, still lays in its velvet box untouched. Its red stone a reminder of the pain I would feel forever. It is a constant reminder of my biggest regret and greatest “What if.”

Though you will always be my biggest “What if” and regret, loving you was never a mistake.

They say that you are in a better place now, but I’m not. The only place I’d rather be is by your side. I realize now that this is all my fault. It is my fault that you are a “What if” instead of a reality.

The Truth (Ending 2)

I woke with a start. A sheen of sweat covered my forehead. The pouring rain beat against the roof of the house. Thunder roared and lightning struck.

I shuddered.

I stumbled out of bed, grabbed the first hoodie I could, and my car keys. I knew what I had to do.

I knocked on his door, not caring it was 3AM. The longer I knocked, the louder it became. The rain continued to pour. I stood there on his porch soaked but I continued my assault on the door.

I needed to do this. I wanted those “what ifs” to remain “what ifs.”

Lightning struck and I jumped in surprise. Coincidentally, it was at that moment that he opened the door. His eyes were rimmed red. His green eyes met mine and shock was evident on his face. His eyes were filled with hurt but at the same time hope.

He stared at me for a couple of more minutes then he blinked. He moved aside and grabbed my arm. “What are you doing in the pouring rain? Get in here now.”

I shook myself free and blurted out, “No.”

He stared at me bewildered and crossed his arms over his chest.

What a sight I must have been standing on his porch in my pajamas and hoodie soaked to the bone. I took a deep breath, “Is it too late?”

“What,” he whispered.

“Is it too late,” I repeated, “to change my answer?”

A grin slowly found itself on his face and his hand lifted out a velvet box. “It’s not too late.”

I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding and hugged him tight, “Good because I was being an idiot. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He chuckled, “You would probably die old and single.”

I scowled. He guessed right. “Whatever.”

He grinned at me and carefully slid the ring on my finger. The princess cut sapphire shone even in the dark.

He hugged me tight. “What made you change your mind?”

I looked up at his green eyes. “I saw what my life would be like without you.”

“How?”

“All the times we fought entered my mind and the time when you did nothing but avoid me.”

“Good thing I haven’t told my parents yet.”

“Jeremy,” a drowsy voice called from behind him, “who’s at the door?”

“It’s just Hailey, mom,” he answered.

“Just Hailey,” echoed his mom.

He laughed, “She said ‘Yes,’ by the way, Mom.”

I heard an ear-piercing shriek and I winced.

“Then what is she still doing in the pouring rain,” demanded his mom as she came into view in her robes.

I laughed. This is what I was about to miss. I looked up into his eyes and saw the love there. I knew that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The thing about “what ifs” is that we don’t realize them until we’ve already lost. I am just thankful I realized it before it was too late. Now, I have nothing to regret because those “what ifs” will remain just that.