Envy

1. Envy

Envy – a four-letter word I absolutely hated, and yet, I felt it so deeply. I was envious of you. No, that wasn’t it. I wasn’t envious of you as a person. I was envious of the love you gave her.

Do you remember that day? The day when you promised I’d be the only girl in your life. The only one you’d give your hoodie to. The only one you’d allow to wear your jersey to your Friday night games. The only you’d dance with in the rain. The only one you’d ever love.

We were sixteen then. Too young to know what love was, and yet, you promised. But that day – our day – you brought her along. 

That was just the beginning. 

She was wearing your hoodie – the one you promised only I would wear.

You grinned at me as if you hadn’t done anything wrong. That only made me feel worse. Was I that unimportant to you? You introduced us with a smile, but the way you said her name was different – way different – from how you said mine.

That day was just the beginning. 

Slowly, it was like I was erased from your life. And as you slowly forgot me, the feeling of envy in my heart grew.

2. Selfish

I was being selfish and I knew it. 

Every single time we arranged a meeting – a day meant just for us – she would be there. The ache in my heart grew. I hated her, but at the same time I was envious of her. She had you.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat whose favourite toy was taken away. But you meant more to me than just a toy. I miss you. I miss the way you smiled at me as if I was your world. I don’t care how selfish it sounds.

3. Anger

It happened again and again that I lost count. But that day – our “anniversary” – was the worse. That day had always been just you and me. Even back when we were kids, our parents understood that that day was meant just for me and you. It was our tradition. Then you brought her along.

You paraded her in front of me. It was like you couldn’t do anything without her. That used to be me. 

Do I mean so little to that you could just replace me after sixteen years? The more you paraded her in front of me, the more the darkness in my heart grew. 

The words “I hate you” did not even begin to convey what I felt for you then.

4. Denial

The moment you walked into the room with her on your arm, my eyes were immediately drawn to the ring on her hand. It was your family’s engagement ring. At that moment, it was like my world shattered right before me.

You can’t leave me! You told me you loved me! You can’t marry her. What happened to all the promises you made? What happened to forever?

5. Depression

I can’t do this anymore. 

I felt numb. 

The only thing I could feel was the cool blade pressed against my wrist and the warm blood gushing out of the fresh wound.

I could feel the coolness of the pills sliding down my throat. 

I could already feel the coarseness of the rope roughly pressed down on my skin, tightening as it cuts off my airway.

The end seems so near, yet so far. The moment I closed my eyes, all I could see was the way you used to smile at me and the way my heart clenched with envy whenever I saw you together.

6. Guilt

You love her. I could see it so clearly in your eyes. 

You never looked at me like that. Perhaps, you never loved me that way. It has always been her and that just makes me wish that I was her. I wish that I was her just so I could have you look at me in that way. Just so you would look at me like I was the moon to your sun.

But I wasn’t.

7. Regret

I regret leaving words unsaid. Would you have chosen me had I told you the truth? Would you have looked at me the way you look at her? Would you have loved me the way you loved her?

Perhaps, if I told you, this envious feeling I harbour in my heart would disappear.

8. Pain

So many emotions, so many words unsaid, so many regrets. The pain I felt in my heart was overwhelming. It was like a dam had been broken. I didn't know if I could take it. 

Seeing that smile on your face should’ve been enough.

It is enough. 

But I still wish that I was the cause of your happiness.

Knowing that she’s the reason of your happiness makes me wish that I was her.

I loved you. I still do. I don’t know if I will ever stop. But I realized that understanding what love truly is will ultimately get me through this. 

9. Envy

Envy – a four-letter word I absolutely hated, and yet, I felt it so deeply. I was envious of you. No, that wasn’t it. I wasn’t envious of you as a person. I was envious of the love you gave her.

I was envious of her. I was envious of the love you had found in each other. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “With the new day comes new strength and new thought.”

The moment I read that, it was like a stake was driven through my heart. It made realize that holding on to you was unfair. It gave me the courage to let you go – let you live and let me live.

This isn't the end of who we are. 

You and I were just never meant to be. 

With the new day comes new strength, new thought, and courage to let you go.