Letters To Heaven

09.12.2008

They say writing letters is therapeutic. Therapeutic for whom: the writer or the reader? As I sit here in front of my computer screen waiting for the first light of dawn, I realize in this particular scenario, it’s therapeutic for me.

Writing letters to someone who will never read them is pointless. It’s not because the letters will remain unsent, it’s because the recipient is no longer able to read it.

So, here goes nothing, I guess.

It was on February 2, 2004 that my best friend was diagnosed with leukemia. You were diagnosed with lymphoma. I was twelve then and you, fourteen.

You were always that popular, sweet girl, Angel. You had this way of lighting up the room. You could coax a smile from even the crabbiest of people. It was a trait I envied.

Being an only child, I longed for someone to confide in. That became you. You took me under your wing. I became your honorary little sister and you, my role model, my best friend, and my sister-from-another-mother, as we so often worded it. I would do anything for you and you would do anything for me.

There are times when I hate you. I hate you for leaving me, just when I was about to enter college. I hate you for not fighting harder. I hate you for making me promise to watch out for your brother.

Then I realize hating you is pointless. Just as pointless as keeping that last promise I made you.

Seriously, Angel? What were you thinking? Trey and I don’t get along – not at all.

Well, maybe, you weren’t thinking. Maybe if you knew the truth you would have never made me make that promise. But I guess it's too late for maybe's now.

12.13.2008

She was there at his birthday celebration. By “she” I mean the girl Trey’s been crushing on. Destiny, I think her name was?

You didn’t like her. Frankly, I don’t either. But, I guess, that’s my teenage angst speaking.

Anyway, I got him the gift you wanted. To be honest, I kinda agree with you hundred percent. He does rock dark colours.

He was faking a lot of smiles earlier tonight. I could still see the pain in them. It’s like he hasn’t allowed himself to grieve yet, Angel. I don’t know how to help him without talking to him or talking about this and the promise I made you.

I don’t want him to think the reason I’m helping him is because of a sense of misguided obligation. You know, I think even without the promise I made you, I would still watch out for him.

I'll do better, Angel. I promise

03.26.2009

I went to our favourite places today. I guess, it was my way of grieving. Today marks the first year of your death.

Your parents actually wanted me to come over, but I declined. I haven’t seen them in a while. I’m sorry. I’m being lousy in keeping my promise. I’d tell you school’s keeping me busy, but I know you wouldn’t believe that. I know I won’t.

In the past few weeks leading up to this day, I began reading all our favourite books and I’ll admit, I cried at every part we used to. It wasn’t the same without you.

I left daisies at your grave. I know you loved them.

When I got home tonight, just before supper, I found Trey on our front porch. His head was in his hands, tension oozed from him.

The moment he saw me, he blew up.

I let him rant, Angel. I let him let it all out. If you were there, you would have told me to stand up for myself, not caring that it was your brother I was fighting.

But I didn’t fight him, Angel. I just listened and blocked him out. I knew he needed it. I was right.

All the fight suddenly left him and he collapsed back on the swing as sobs wracked his body. In a blink I was there beside him.

That was the first time since your death that I saw him grieve. Tonight, he was able to let it all out. Though his tears soaked my shirt, I didn’t mind. Because tonight, he was able to trust me.

For the first time, I felt I was finally keeping my promise to you, Angel. I felt something change between us tonight. I just don’t know if I was ready for it.

07.11.2009

I was right, Angel. Something changed between Trey and I that night. I wouldn’t say that it was bad though. No, I welcomed the change.

Why? Because, I believed it was part of the healing process for us. We were finally able to talk about you without bursting into tears. But, that hole in our hearts that you left, it would never be filled. Only you could do that, but you were gone.

Today would have been your 19th birthday. I know you’re celebrating it up there as you watch us celebrate the life – the short life – you shared with us.

09.25.2009

As the months progressed, Trey and I became closer. This was because of you, Angel. I just wish you were here to see it.

I still have feelings for him – feelings that go beyond friendship. He can never know. If he does, I’m scared I’ll never be able to keep my promise to you, then. Keeping that promise is more important than telling him how I feel.

04.12.2010

I’ve fallen for him, Angel. I don’t know what to do.

07.14.2010

I’m sorry, Angel. I guess I won’t be keeping that promise after all. I can’t – not at the risk of my own heart.

08.14.2010

It’s been a month. I’ve still been avoiding him. It’s easy actually. Maybe that’s because we’re both busy with school. Whatever it is that’s keeping us apart, I hope it stays.

I’m so scared that if I see him I’ll end up telling him everything – from the promise to how I really feel. That’s just going to end in disaster and you and I both know it.

08.16.2010

Trey was waiting for me when I got home. I felt like a cornered animal, but I knew this was coming sooner or later. Apparently, today was later.

There was this wounded look in his eyes. It pained me to realize that I had caused that pain. If you were here, Angel, you probably would have killed me already.

I walked up the porch deliberately slow, but he met me half-way instead.

He didn’t say anything. His eyes just searched mine. I resisted the urge to squirm under the intensity of his gaze.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” he finally blurted, voice breaking towards the end.

I couldn’t meet his gaze.

“I just lost my sister, I can’t lose you, too. I love you.”

His face paled when he realized what he’d just said, those words broke the dam that kept all my feelings hidden inside. As I spilled my guts out to him, he just smiled, relief clear in his eyes. In that moment, I knew that things happened for a reason.

Thank you, Angel. Without you, this wouldn’t have been possible.

We’re going to give it – us – a try, Angel. I promise I’ll be careful with his heart. After all, I promised you I’d watch out for him, didn’t I?

03.26.2015

Today would have been your 23rd birthday. Today, you’ve given us a gift instead. Nine months after our wedding, we welcome our first child – Angel Louise – your namesake. Thank you for watching out for us, Angel.

This is the last of my letters to heaven. Now, whenever I look at my little Angel, I’ll think of you. Watch out for your namesake, Angel. She’s gonna change lives – just like you did.