I'm slightly apprehensive with this one. It is unlike my other poetry.
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The point, once sharp,
Now utterly dull.
The blade's cry for battle
Now reduced to a lull.
The scabbard, once regal,
Now lifeless and plain.
The blade, undefeated
Now cannot parry pain.
The hero, the Legend,
Now just a myth from afar
On his knees, submissive
For his sword breaks in this war.
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Some comments:
1. I would recommend trying a different word rather than repeating "Now" over and over, it makes the poem itself very stale.
2. "parry pain" is an odd thought, and I don't think it works. Why would a blade want to parry pain?
3. The idea in the poem is quite basic, and there is no development from the original thought. Try and challenge yourself with something more expansive. Just because it is not a story does not mean that a poem cannot grow with each line, until it reaches a suitable denouement. This poem seems lifeless.
4. I like "The scabbard, once regal / Now lifeless and plain" best.
5. As well as being basic, the language is pretty unoriginal. Try expanding your vocabulary to express your ideas in a fresh and imaginative way.
Good luck with editing, and any future poems.
Hullo!
I concur with Connie. Up until your last stanza, I was thinking, "Wow, the rhyme scheme flows so nicely!" Then I was attacked by the awkward afar/war rhyme.
It's a really interesting idea, if I understood it correctly. The sword is dull, the Legend is reduced to nothing and what was old is now being taken over by the new, is being forced into submission by the new. It's an incredebly realistic idea. I love the last line a lot because it seems like a hopeless sort of thing. The once powerful now cannot fight. I like it!
Something else I noticed while reading over it is that you have comma issues here and there. Here's one example:
It might help you to write your sentences out in full, to see the grammar, instead of with line breaks: The blade's cry for battle now reduced to a lull. You need a comma between "battle" and "now". (I cannot example why, I'm sorry! But I simply know/feel you need a comma there. Perhaps someone greater can come along and explain.) I think the fact that there was a line break there threw you off.
I won't point out all the errors but be looking for them.
Hi KnightlyAngel! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today!
I liked this poem. It was simplistic, said what it wanted to and didn't overstay its welcome, and for that you get mad props.
The only thing I found wrong with this poem was your last stanza. The other two stanzas flowed right along and were quite beautiful. But your last one lost that flow and felt rather clunky. You may consider shortening its lines, as they have more syllables than the rest of the poems lines, or perhaps even rewording a few things.
But that is all I could find wrong. All in all, a very good job. Good luck with this!