I do not write in free verse. This will need quite a lot of help.
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Perhaps a few years from now, I will see you,
And I'll say that once, the sun shone out of you;
That there was a time when the canopy of night
Twinkled in your eyes.
And, oh, what a laugh we'll have about it.
We will jest about how I thought your eyes
Surpassed the ocean in depth,
And how your smile was a fragment of heaven
Lost upon this Earth.
And, oh, what a joke it will be!
That once, my heart left its lodging
To dwell for a time in your hands,
And I suppose there shall be peals of laughter
About how you clenched your hand
And ruptured my heart in your fist...
That, perhaps, will be the greatest punchline.
What great laughs will come from all of this,
How ridiculous, how dreadfully ridiculous!
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks to those who reviewed. I edited the shalls... Thank you Jack for that. What you said was true. haha. Will makes it more real. Thank you Jon as well, I'll try to edit the rest of the poem soon.
Hiya! I'm Jack, and this is my first review, so sorry if I come off a bit harsh and/or weird.
So, right here there's a couple problems. Firstly, it's kinda awkward to have "I shall" in the same sentence as "I'll", just because it's a bit awkward with parallelism and all. Secondly, and the semicolon should just be a comma. Okay, and you use the word shall a lot in this poem, and it makes it sound more... posh... If you want it to sound that way, then flow with it, but I don't think it works in the poem, 'cause it's sort of a daydreamy poem.
I like this line. That's all I have to say.
You should probably use "it" rather than "this" or come up with a better adjective.
See, in this like you use "will" and it sounds more natural than "perhaps" and "shall".
It's a really great concept, though. Just a few diction fixups and some little grammar things, and it'll be fine.
Hi NightlyAngel! It's me, Jon. I thought I'd return the favor.
I like the thing your saying, but, I think it could be re-worded a little. Maybe you could say: "Who knows what time will bring, you?" That type of thing makes us want to read more. Questions are nice and bring the reader in. Just a suggestion.
Maybe you could re-word it to say, "I'll reminisce about your shining glory." Yeah?
I love this line, I can feel the sarcasm coming from this. That is is you intended sarcasm?
Maybe you could add more to this line? Like, "Worldly maze" (Instead of "Earth".)
I like the repetition, but maybe you could have it do something like this: "How ridiculous that day will be!
Overall I liked this poem. It wasn't as unique as some of the others I've seen from you, but, I liked it. I thought it could be better too. I liked the sarcasm you had going there, it was amusing. This was an interesting read. I don't think I've ever seen sarcasm in a poem before, but, maybe I have. In any-case, This was okay. But, when you revise it just PM m and I'll be back!
My pleasure,
---Jon---