Marvel at my chiseled lips
And my haughty, Roman nose.
Stare up into my haunted eyes
And wonder at my regal pose.
Caress my icy, marble skin.
Hold onto my lifeless hand.
Kiss my hard and waiting lips,
Then leave me in my pompous stand.
Speak in awe of my creator,
Cruel, hard, and evil man!
Who created my perfection
But chose to nail me on a stand.
Look at me! A desolate man,
Waiting for another kiss,
Yearning for a chance to hold you
And press warm lips upon your lips.
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I concur regarding the last line.
This stanza, especially, could be more descriptive, less adjectives, more imagery. Icy isn't vivid, and marble... it's too vague. This could be an amazing passage of tactile imagery. Use it!This is sort of Pygmalion, except without coming to life!
What I love about this poem is how the statue is living, though still. I like the idea of trying to get out of this, and the part about the beauty, only to be nailed down - I really loved it!
However, I still think it needs more. I'm not certain if it is that your descriptions weren't vivid enough for me, or it simply needs more to it, but I think it could be fixed up, pulled tighter.
Don't get me wrong! This is a great first draft. Reading over it again, I think I have caught on. It's your adjectives.
As for these adjectives, I don't know how you could fix it. Honestly, stay away from the adjectives unless you can make it vivid. You show the creator is evil for nailing something so beautiful down, either show more, or don't tell at all.
I hope that helps!
Ah yes. I cannot punctuate even if my life depended on it. Thank you very much for that.
Hey there! June here!!
Okay, before we begin, I have a slight issue with your punctuation. It should follow at the end of the lines like this:
,
;
,
.
Respectively, comma, semicolon, comma, period. It helps us read the poem easier.
Now! To business:
I changed the punctuation here so you can grasp the feeling that I was trying to explain.
So, like someone above me pointed out, the last line doesn't fit. I know you noticed this too, but it's more of the last stanza that doesn't fit. You had a rhyme scheme going, 1,2,1,3 -- 4,5,4,6 -- 7,8,7,9 and so on, so forth. You kind of butcher it in the last stanza. I don't know what it could be changed to without ruining the general feeling you're bringing to us, but it needs a bit of touching on.
Overall, I liked it. 'ts more Lyric poetry than dramatic, but good job.
Keep it up! I hope I wasn't too harsh!
June
Hmm I see what you mean, it's tricky. Give me a second and i'll try and think of something.
yes. The last line was my problem on my first draft as well. But at the moment I couldn't find a way to edit it and still end the way the poem did. Him being warm, that is.
Well, no. It isn't about Pygmalion. I didn't have mythology in mind when I wrote this but come to think of it, it sounds like it was based on Pygmalion. But I don't know, I got the idea from The Happy Prince. Where there's this statue of a prince who sees the suffering of his people and helps them by asking a crow to peck off the jewels embedded on him and sending it to the needy people. I can't believe I didn't remember Pygmalion when I wrote this. haha.
I'm not going to go into grammer and punctuation, since mne is utterly terrible.
The concept is very good, very original as well.
For me the only thing I don't like about it is the very end.
For me saying lips twice, while it does work, isen't the way to finish off such a good poem. On the other hand I like how you've turned it around in the last line so now he is the warm one.
Overall good poem, just not quite sure about the last line.
Wow! This is great! I really like the rhyme scheme, it works well with the flow. Is this about Pygmalion?