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In My Time of Need

by Knight731


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

This is a story about how my sister and I’s characters Mike and Samuel met. For a bit of background, Mike is famous Incubus (look it up), who is very well known in hell. 

After being broken up with by his girlfriend of two years, Mike spent the day trying to win her back. His attempts however, were not successful and did more damage than anything else. 

Mike now has taken a spot in a local bar in hell, trying to take his mind off of the day’s events. Mike is my character while Samuel belongs to my sister, who was nice enough to allow me to use her character for this story. 

Follow her on instagram (@Space_papiii) For awesome art and characters that are going to be in upcoming short stories and books. Also, this story takes place during another short story I have written that follows Mike’s brother, Zack. 

You do not have to read it to understand this story but I highly recommend you read it as well to gain a bit more information about the brothers. Without further adieu, I hope you enjoy the story. _________________________

Mike let out a sorrowful sigh as he leaned against the bar, a chilled drink in his right hand and his phone in his left. In front of him were a small group of glasses, all of which once held a mixture of intoxicating liquid, the only thing that was seemingly able to keep his sad heart warm. 

He began to scroll through the various text messages he had sent his now ex-girlfriend, all of which he had been left on read. He brought the glass up to his mouth before he closed his eyes, finishing the rest of the glass in one gulp. He then raised his head up, looking around at the plethora of demons that were occupying the bar, all of which were in their own worlds.

Mike stood up from the barstool he had been sitting on and he made his way outside, taking a few steps to the side of the building when out. He clicked on his ex’s contact in his phone before letting out a soft sigh and pressing the green phone icon. Mike held the phone up to his ear and brought his other hand to his mouth, biting onto his thumbnail in anticipation as he prayed to the god he never believed in that she would pick up.

To Mike’s horror, after the first three rings it went directly to voicemail.

“Hey, this is Emily! I can't get to my phone right now but leave a message and I'll be sure to get back to you.” Mike felt a smile form on his mouth as he heard her angelic voice, even if it was pre recorded. If he was being honest, he knew that she wouldn’t pick up the phone if he called. Just being able to hear her voicemail was enough to make him smile again.

“Hey, Emily. It’s Mike. Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I did, please if you could just…” Mike's voice began to trail off as he realised his words were pointless, she wasn't going to listen. He then hung up and scrolled down until he got to his brother’s contact. Hitting the green button again, the call went to voicemail as well: Mike letting out a disappointed breath. 

“Hey, Zack. I know you must be busy with work but...I don’t know what else to do…I really screwed up.” Mike said into the phone as he pressed his back into the wall of the building, sad eyes looking up at Hell’s night sky

.“I've tried everything. I got her candies, stuffed animals, i've said sorry I can’t tell you how many times...I...Think she was right about me. I’m nothing but a pervert, I don’t deserve her...Or anyone else…” Mike let out another sigh before he shook his head, getting off the wall.

“Anyway, I won’t bother you with all that. I’ll see you at home. Bye.” He finished before hanging up. He then began to rub his eyes while trying to hold back the tears he refused to let out. Mike made his way back inside and took a seat at the bar once again, getting the attention of the bartender. 

“Just get me another tray of drinks. I don’t care what kind, I just want them.” Mike told him but he shook his head. 

“I’m sorry, Mike. You’ve gone through three bottle of my best liquor. Even in hell we have to cut demons off. I can get you some water but that’s it.” The bartender told Mike, who let out an irritated groan.

“No, I’ll pay the tab and I’ll go.” Mike told him and he nodded, going off. Mike sat with his elbows on the bar while running his fingers through his hair when he felt someone tap his shoulder. 

He looked to his right to see a demon towering over him with bright red skin and vibrant purple eyes. He looked down at Mike with a friendly smile, a drink in his hand. 

“I just bought this, but it looked like you could use one more drink before you left.” The demon said as he passed the drink to Mike. He looked at it for a moment before picking it up and taking a sip from it. 

“Thanks…” Mike mumbled before looking up at the demon again and watched as he took a seat next to him. 

“I take it you've had a hard day?” The demon asked in a friendly voice, Mike nodding as he took another drink from the glass. 

“Yeah, you could say that…” Mike mumbled to himself before sitting up, turning in his seat to face the demon. 

“Anyway, what's your name?” He asked. 

“Samuel, It’s nice to meet you.” The demon started with a large goofy grin. Mike let out a soft chuckle at the grin and he ran his fingers through his hair, fixing it from before. Samuel sat there for a moment, just looking at Mike before he cleared his throat. 

“You know, When someone introduces themself, the other person usually introduces themselves too.” Samuel said while leaning forward a bit, watching Mike’s expression go confused. 

“Don’t you already know who I am?'' Mike asked and watched in disbelief as Samuel shook his head. 

“Really? Mike? One of the right hand men of the Queen of Hell herself? None of that is ringing a bell?” He asked while finishing the liquid that was being held within the glass; Samuel shaking his head a last time. 

“Huh...Well, the name is Mike.” He finished as he held his hand out, Samuel giving him a small smile before shaking his hand. The bartender came back soon after and Mike paid for his drinks before standing up from the barstool, letting out a soft breath. 

“Well, thank you again for the drink but I'll be lea-” Mike was cut off by Samuel standing up well before taking out his phone out from his pocket. 

“Wait, I don’t usually do this but you seem really chill, not to mention kinda cute. Can I have your number so we can hang out sometime?” Samuel asked with another goofy grin, Mike standing there in shock for a moment. He then let out a loud laugh.

“Oh man! You know, at first I thought you were bullshiting me about not knowing who I was. But now, I know you have no idea! Most demons know better than asking to hang out with me. You do know what I am, don’t you?” Mike asked with his own amused grin plastered on his face. 

“You're an incubus, right?” Samuel asked with a tilted head, making Mike’s grin disappear in seconds. 

“I know what your kind is about, and I really don’t care. Like I said, I think you're chill and I want to hang out with you at a later time.” He restated and handed his phone out. Mike looked at his phone for a second before taking out his own phone and pulling up his contact list. Once they exchanged phone numbers, Samuel gave him one last smile. 

“I’ll call you later tomorrow, see ya!” He called out before giving Mike a wave and taking his seat back at the bar. Mike exited the bar and glanced down at his phone, seeing the newly entered contact.

He felt his face turn a warm shade of light red before he put his phone away and started making his way to his home on Earth. He soon arrived home and once he got into the living room he was greeted by Zack waiting for him on the couch. 

“Hey…” Zack said softly as he watched Mike shuffle over to the couch and collapse next to him. 

“I...uh, listened to your voicemail…” Zack told him as Mike turned onto his back. “Yeah, i’m pathetic, I know.” Mike mumbled in response.

“Things will get better, you know. It might suck now but you’ll eventually get back out there.” Zack reassured him.

“Actually, I met someone tonight.” Mike told him as he slowly sat up, running a hand through his hair once again. 

“Oh really?” Zack asked in slight surprise. “Uh, yeah. He asked for my number and he told me he wanted to hang out later.” Mike explained as Zack nodded. 

“I met someone tonight, too.” Zack mumbled as he felt his face warm to a pink. Mike glanced over at him and gave him a grin as he poked his brother's cheek.

“Is that blush I see? Oh my god!” Mike exclaimed, making Zack quickly stand up and make his way to the kitchen. 

“Has my cold and distant brother FINALLY found someone he’s interested in?! Holy shit!” Mike started to laugh on the couch while Zack got a cup of water, the pink turning into a dark red. 

“Don’t be stupid. He needed help, so I helped him and now he wants to be friends. So fuck off.” Zack told his brother harshly before Mike looked over at him, raising his eyebrows. 

“You helped him, huh?” Mike let out a childish giggle before he got up from the couch, going to his brother and giving him a pat on the shoulder. 

“Alright, Romeo, I’m gonna head to bed. Goodnight.” Mike said as he waved while walking away. Zack drank his water before turning off the living room and kitchen lights before heading to bed as well. 


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User avatar
408 Reviews


Points: 4516
Reviews: 408

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Sun Apr 26, 2020 12:57 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Heya Knight!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight. I'm here to drop off a review. Let's get started, now, shall we?

Alright.

(By the way, I'll be reviewing as I read.)

Mike stood up from the barstool he had been sitting on and he made his way outside, taking a few steps to the side of the building when out.

That last bit - that I bolded - doesn't really make much sense? Maybe change it so it does make more sense?

Hitting the green button again, the call went to voicemail as well: Mike letting out a disappointed breath.

The colon doesn't really seem right here. Maybe just use a period instead?

Mmm... I like this interesting place. It seems that your characters live in Hell and they're all demons and devils, etc. Interesting!

Also, the new demon that we just meet - he's friendly, yeah. And his features took me by surprise! I didn't expect these characters to be very demon-like. Okay, they are demons, but I little heads up would have been nice. x) But it's very cool that we've got very different type of creatures here. ;)

“Anyway, what's your name?” He asked.

Oh man. That was quick. I wouldn't really expect someone to randomly ask some other random person their name. Unless Mike here is a very social person. Also, here, the "He" would be "he" - not capitalized.

The demon started with a large goofy grin.

Aw, I like this Samuel guy.

“Really? Mike? One of the right hand men of the Queen of Hell herself? None of that is ringing a bell?”

COOL !!

Ookay. So far, everything is super cool. But. Like, the scene transitions are really quick. We go from Mike being upset, going outside, walking back inside, meeting Sam, then Sam and Mike seeming to be friends already? I agree that it's hard to make scene transitions especially in short stories. Especially in short stories, because the stories are meant to be short. But here's a suggestion: if you describe the surroundings as you shift through the scenes, that helps a bit and tells us that we're moving from here to there.

Also Samuel seems so clueless that Mike is a "special person". xD

Oh! So home is on Earth?

“I met someone tonight, too.”

I guess Cupid felt really excited today lol. :P

Very well done on this short story! The only critique I have is to try to ease into the scene transition, 'kay? Awesome! Hope this review helped in some sort of way. If you have any questions, let me know!

And as always...

Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!

~Liberty

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Tue Apr 07, 2020 11:37 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Knight731! Tuck dropping by today with a quick review for you.

Your writing style is very smooth and descriptive without being overbearing. You do a good job of keeping your sentences relatively short and not using run-on sentences. Furthermore, your characterization is solid and legitimate. Your characters are well-rounded and well-developed, for the most part. It was very easy reading because of your smooth story-telling style and the supernatural twist that made it unique. Excellent job on that!

One area I think you could have improved on is using more description. You moved a little fast throughout this. Although it didn't feel rushed, per se, if you spread out these events and mix in a little more description, it gives the reader more of a chance to emotionally connect with the reader. Before you rush the main character into a second minor plot point (getting asked out by Samuel), develop his character a bit in a subtle way. Describe the bar's atmosphere. Describe the way he moves around. Even including how long his finger hovers above the phone icon gives the reader information about Mike's character (it shows how cautious he is, how he makes decisions, etc.).

Writing description in short stories is always a very fine line to walk. You want to paint a clear and vivid picture of each part of a story without overloading the story. You want to give your reader characters that feel genuine, full, and relatable without unnecessarily info-dumping. In this case, I think just a tad more description would be beneficial for you and add some depth and richness to this narrative.

That's about all I have for you today! I hope that this review was helpful for you and gave you some starting points for the editing process. If you have any questions about my review, please feel free to reach out and I'll be sure to clarify as best I can!

One final note: I did adjust the rating on your story from 16+ to 18+ since you used an f-bomb. I did this so that our users who wish to avoid strong language, including the f-word, have that option. No big deal, just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering why it looks slightly different.

Best,
Tuck





Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe