Haidens Horrific Haven

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Warning: This story will have acts of harsh violence. If this makes you uncomforable then please do not read any further.

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Haiden was an average boy with an average life. He had good friends, he was never bullied, his parents loved him, and he was fairly good in school. In his eyes, his life was perfect.

So then, when he started having strange feelings and thoughts come out of nowhere, it didn’t make sense. And no, they weren't feelings of depression, anxiety, or even self doubt. They were thoughts of harming people. Innocent people, that had never done a thing wrong in their lives.

At first, it started out small, nothing more than imagining playfully pushing his friend into a wall to see their reaction. But as they days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, the thoughts and images only grew more violent and malicious.

The playful thoughts turned into grizzly images of him bashing heads in with his bat, stealing children from their parents in the night to hear then cry and scream, forcing his friends to stay awake and watch as he slowly cut them open and dissected their organs, only to lazily shove them back in and stitch their skin back to hold it all in.

Although these thoughts were present, Haiden wasn't scared of them and was never too bothered by them, after all, he would never commit to these horrible crimes; he could never bring himself to bring harm to another person in such a violent way.

For the most part, Haiden was able to keep these thoughts at bay while he was at school and around his family, not wanting his friends or family to know the darkness that filled his mind. When he was mad, or upset at something or someone, he let the gate open, and allowed the possibilities to break loose, but only when he was alone. He felt strange comfort in these thoughts; they gave him a sense of knowing that he had power even in his weakest times.

This comfort told him that being the “Nice guy” was a hard job, and that everyone was lucky that he had such strength to keep such thoughts as they are; never putting them into action. And from that point on, Haiden would always allow these thoughts to shine when he was in a hard time at the end of his day, he had his own personal haven to escape to, one filled with blood and screams of young and old.

One day particularly hard day at school, while he was doing his work, he was trying to hold it all together until he had gotten home but, as if the gate keeping the thoughts hidden away broke; suddenly his mind went blank as the thoughts flooded out and quickly swarmed his mind like dark clouds on a sunny day.

Thoughts of him getting up and locking the doors before taking the pencil in his hand and stabbing the closest student to him, stabbing their eye until it spilled out of their socket like soup. He thought about picking up a chair and slamming it into students, watching as they fell in pain before he bashed their skulls in, watching their smelly and thick blood spatter on the floor and his face.

Haiden thought about grabbing the teachers' scissors and using them to stab holes upon holes into the teachers stomach, arms, legs, and chest. He wanted to open the windows and the emergency rope to hang them, watching the life slowly fade from their bug eyes as they struggle to breath or to get down. He then thought about using the scissors to cut each body open and paint the walls with sticky crimson, not sparing a single square meter.

As this thought took over Haidens calm and gentle mind, he seemed to forget for a moment that he was in the middle of class, as well as forgetting how silent the room really was. All it took was a gentle chuckle for the teacher and a few students to raise their heads, looking at him in slight confusion.

“Is there something funny, Haiden?” His teacher asked with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, giving the boy a smile. As if something in his mind snapped, Haiden quickly stood up from his chair, his head and eyes looking down to his desk.

“May I use the restroom?” Haiden asked in a low and whispery voice

“Yes, of course you can.” The teacher answered in a surprised tone, watching as he slowly walked toward the classroom door. Once there, Haiden reached out to the doorknob, his pencil held tightly in his hand before it suddenly hit him what he was about to do. He let out a soft sigh of discomfort before turning around and sitting back in his desk.

“Haiden, are you alright?” The teacher asked with concern dripping from her words.

“Yes ma’am, I'm just fine. I’m sorry to have worried you.” Haiden told her before going back to his worksheet.

Haiden let out a silent sigh, he had never lied to his teacher before. But then, a different thought came to mind. What he told wasn't a lie, he was perfectly fine. His mind was clear, just like that, the thoughts were back in the gate, safe and away from harm; just like his class.

Haiden smiled to himself at his, thankful for his haven. Because without it, he would surely go mad.

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Points: 6841
Reviews: 235

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Thu Mar 12, 2020 7:04 pm

4revgreen wrote a review...

Hey there! I'm Che and I'm here to give a quick review of your story :-)

So I will first go through and show you where I think you could improve before moving onto all the good things :-)

Haiden was an average boy with an average life. He had good friends, he was never bullied, his parents loved him, and he was fairly good in school. In his eyes, his life was perfect.

This is quite a sudden start to the story, I kind of wish we could get to know Haiden a little more in depth before you jump right in.

Innocent people, that had never done a thing wrong in their lives.

I think it would be more effective to say "who" rather than "that" as using 'that' makes the people sound more like objects, when you're trying to make the read aware that they are innocent.

The playful thoughts

You don't really need this start of the paragraph, as we know you're talking about the thoughts from the previous paragraph so it's just a little bit repetitive.

The playful thoughts turned into grizzly images of him bashing heads in with his bat, stealing children from their parents in the night to hear then cry and scream, forcing his friends to stay awake and watch as he slowly cut them open and dissected their organs, only to lazily shove them back in and stitch their skin back to hold it all in.

So this paragraph is all one sentence, which is waayy too long! You really need to split it up into two or maybe three separate parts.

He felt strange comfort in these thoughts; they gave him a sense of knowing that he had power even in his weakest times.

With the second part of the sentence, you could make it more impactful using less words, e.g. "They gave him a sense of power, even in his weakest times."

. And from that point on, Haiden would always allow these thoughts to shine when he was in a hard time at the end of his day, he had his own personal haven to escape to, one filled with blood and screams of young and old.

I think the bit I've put in bold should be its own separate sentence.

One day particularly hard day at school

I think this might just have been a typo, I assume you meant "During one particularly hard day at school"

One day particularly hard day at school, while he was doing his work, he was trying to hold it all together until he had gotten home but, as if the gate keeping the thoughts hidden away broke; suddenly his mind went blank as the thoughts flooded out and quickly swarmed his mind like dark clouds on a sunny day.

Again, this is a really long sentence that could do with being split up.

Okay, so I really enjoyed this little piece. From what I gather, Haiden may be going through some sort of psychotic episode which is a really interesting topic to explore.

I liked all the gory descriptions! I love horror and disturbing things which is why I knew I had to read this!

I hope you write some more about this character. I'd like to know if he acts out any of his fantasies :-)

Keep writing!

Points: 48
Reviews: 99

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Sun Mar 08, 2020 3:12 am

Tawsif wrote a review...

Hey, Knight731. I wanted to review this piece for two days, but just couldn't do it. You must be pretty desperate for a review since no one has reviewed it so far. Well, here I am now!

This is the first time in my life that I have read this kind of a story. A story that contains quite a lot of morbid description. But I like the idea of the story pretty much. Everyone has a way of escaping from the world's harsh realities. But having morbid thoughts to escape the real world, and portraying this in cthe case of a positive protagonist, it was exceptional, no doubt.

Few points.

'......to hear then cry'. You probably meant them here.

'....after all, he would never commit to these horrible crimes; he could never bring himself to bring harm to another person in such a violent way.'

I think you should omit the preposition 'to' after 'commit' to be more grammatically accurate. And, 'bring himself to bring harm', sounds a bit awkward to me, especially the alliteration. Maybe you could just write 'bring himself to harm anyone in such violent fashion. That way it reads better.

'And from that point on, Haiden would always allow these thoughts to shine when he....'

If you changed the verb 'shine' with 'flow', that would be better. Became thoughts actually flow in our minds. (That's just a personal opinion, though)

'This comfort told him that being the “Nice guy” was a hard job, and that everyone was lucky that he had such strength to keep such thoughts as they are; never putting them into action. And from that point on, Haiden would always allow these thoughts to shine when he was in a hard time at the end of his day, he had his own personal haven to escape to, one filled with blood and screams of young and old.'

I like this para. This was probably the best part in this whole piece. The idea of the MC finding strength in being able to keep the ghastly thoughts as they are and seeing them as a means of escaping from the harsh reality is strangely interesting.

'One day particularly hard day at school,... '

Once again, the alliteration. Maybe you can add a comma after the first 'day'. That would indicate that you're trying to emphasize the 'particularly hard day'.

'he was trying to hold it all together until he had gotten home but, as if the gate keeping the thoughts hidden away broke; suddenly his mind went blank as the thoughts flooded out and quickly swarmed his mind like dark clouds on a sunny day.'

Choice of words was ok in this part, but these are really long sentences. It's not that there's any problem with the long sentences; the problem is in using punctuation marks effectively. You need to add commas and semicolons in the right places here so that your reader doesn't find it difficult to understand the story.

'He wanted to open the windows and the emergency rope to hang them.....'

It should be: 'He wanted to open the windows and use the emergency rope to hang them', or, 'hang them with the emergency rope.'

I was just wondering, why does the teacher have a scissor in class? Is this a physical education class? Or a Biology class? You need to mention it for the readers.

I actually didn't get the ending. Why did the MC have to go to the restroom? And with a pencil? What was he about to do? He just thought of torturing and killing his teacher and friends. And now, he's going to the 'restroom' with a pencil in hand? If he was about to do something horrible, he would stay in the class and maybe walk towards the teacher to torture him.

These last few lines of the story were a bit incoherent. You might want to work on them.

I would also like to see how the MC had started having thse thoghts in the first place. Why is it so necessary for him to have these thoughts? How did it become his means of escape? Elaborate on these, and this story could be a masterpiece, since it already has a lot of elements which could be surprising for the readers.

However, if you're thinking of publishing this story somewhere, you might want to check whether there is any taboo on the use of morbid language. (I just added this as a reminder; I don't have any problem with this language)

I liked the story, Knight. Keep writing!

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Haidens Horrific Haven

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