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16+ Violence

A Salty Start

by Knight731


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Authors note: This story has mentions of mental illness and self harm. If this makes you uncomforable then do not read any further. 

____________________________________________________________________

Allow me to introduce you to a girl named Melissa. She is a fifteen year old, lower class girl with very strange habits, thoughts, and actions that no one quite understands.

“I have to keep moving. If I stop moving, I'll surely die.”

These were the words that ran through Melissa’s mind every day. Everyday, she would find something to do from the second she woke up, until the second she would go to sleep.

“Every minute of every day, I can’t stop moving. Not even for a second.”

Melissa always needed something to do. When she was desperate for something, she would go as far as starting fights at school to land herself detention for the next few days. Of course, her parents were unaware of why she was causing trouble, never telling them why.

“Don’t think about it, don’t stop moving.”

Of course, you must be wondering why she thinks like this by now. Maybe she was abused at home, maybe she feared going home, and maybe she had a fear of not being noticed in the world. These were common reasons that her fellow classmates passed back and forth at school, unaware that every one of their explanations were wrong.

“Don’t look at yourself, just keep going.”

Many people also asked questions about her appearance. About how she always came to school with knotted hair and wearing baggy, winter like clothes; never showing any skin with the exception of her face and hands. It was no secret that she was lower class, not being able to afford things that everyone else had, such as a cellphone.

“Just keep moving, you know what will happen if you stop.”

Only Melissa knew the answers to all the burning questions that were asked, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that she was talked about, she didn’t care if people feared her, she didn’t care if she got in trouble, she needed to keep moving. She wanted to live.

“You are weak, but moving will keep you strong.”

She knew she wouldn’t be able to control her urges if she stopped moving, she knew that if she stopped for even a second to look at her reflection, she would surely die at her own hands. One night, her mind got the better of her, however. With her parents gone, she had no one to keep her occupied. All it took was sitting down for a mear three seconds for the urge to hit her hard.

“No, I can't let my mind win over my body.”

She got up to make herself something to eat. She thought she was safe, now having another activity to do. But, she was sadly mistaken. As soon as the knife was firm in her hand, the urge hit her hard like a truck.

“I...Can’t let...It win.”

She thought to herself as she looked at the shiny blade, scared of what she might do. She looked down at the floor, trying to think of anything else. It was then she saw her legs. The longer she stared at them, the longer they began to change. She noticed how her calves were starting to seem bigger, how her thighs began to widen.

“No...That’s not right…”

She couldn’t make herself pull away as her legs began to seem smaller or larger. No matter how many times she told herself that it wasn’t real, she couldn’t shake the image out of her head. Her legs even started to feel heavier in some places, but lighter in other places.

"It's so weird...It feels so uncomfortable…"

She took a shaky breath as her eyes began to water, fear and discomfort starting to set in. She was scared, scared of what her mind was doing to her. Scared of what she knew was going to happen. She knew she was going to die.

"I...I can't take this feeling anymore!"

Melissa found herself on the floor of her home, taking the knife to her calve. She didn't feel the pain that followed, her senses dulled by the growing discomfort of her legs seemingly growing and shrinking. She wasted no time before moving to her other leg, slicing into her other calve, the one that had appeared smaller.

"It's...No use…"

She allowed the knife to fall from her hand, the pain finally setting in as she came back to reality. Melissa let out a painful shriek, laying on her back as blood slowly seeped out of her wounds. As a coldness came over her, she closed her eyes. For the first time in months, she was still. She heard the sounds of the house settling, the sounds of cars passing in the streets but best of all, she heard the quiet.

"The sound of silence…Is...Nice…"

She thought to herself before she slipped into unconsciousness. Unfortunately, she didn't stay awake long enough to see the neighbor run into the house and scream before calling 911.

This was just the start to Melissa's fight with her mind, however. What she didn't know was that she was in for many more battles with her own mind. But the next time it happened, she wouldn't be alone. 


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Points: 200
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Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:16 am
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holyshiitake wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this story! It tackles some sensitive topics, such as mental illness and the alienation that sometimes goes along with that, in a beautifully eloquent way. I agree with one of the reviews below about how Melissa's short lines in between the longer paragraphs give the story's structure and flow some variety and contrast. Additionally, I love how you end the story on a hopeful note. Mental illness is serious and doesn't just go away, and you make that clear at the end of the story by letting the reader know that "This was just the start to Melissa's fight with her mind, however. What she didn't know was that she was in for many more battles with her own mind." But with the final sentence you reassure the reader that Melissa will have the help she needs to overcome these battles; "But the next time it happened, she wouldn't be alone." I think that's beautiful and would love to read the continuation of this story on your other account too!

That being said, I would've liked to read a little more about the kinds of things Melissa does to keep herself busy. You mention that when desperate she starts fights, but what else does she do? If you give a little more information about that, you simultaneously give the reader a glimpse of Melissa's personality and add some depth to the character. This could also be done by adding a little more about Melissa's relationship with her parents. You inform the reader that her parents are "unaware of why she was causing trouble," but do they care? I think providing more context of her relationship with her parents, even just a short paragraph about it, could also strengthen the impact the last line of the story has. If her parents aren't really supportive then she truly is alone at the time of this story, which adds weight to the idea of Melissa finding someone to help her through future struggles.

Lastly, and this is a small thing, but there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes that distracted me at times from the story itself. Next time try having a friend or family member look over your story for any spelling or grammar errors. A fresh pair of eyes is one of the best ways to catch those types of things!

Overall, I really enjoyed your story and hope my review is helpful to you in some way. Thank you for taking the time to write and share this with us :)




Knight731 says...


Thank you so much for your review! As I said in the review below, this short story was supposed to be a teaser for a novel that I am currently in the middle of writing.

I am very happy that you wish to read it, the other websites you can read my other stories on are: Writers Cafe under the username Knight731 and on Wattpad under the username Jinx731. The story is titled "Unlikely Friends"

In addition, If you like that story, then please take time to read my other novel that I am working on as well titled "School Of Murder." With that one, please bear with me at the beginning, it gets better as the chapters continue.

Thank you once again for the review and thank you for showing interest in my stories!.



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Fri Feb 28, 2020 4:16 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there!

This is a really interesting piece. I loved the repetition of Melissa’s thoughts of “keep moving” throughout the story. I think it really enhances the horrific, intense mystery of what is going on. Even as we get to the end, we (as readers) don’t exactly get that satisfaction of knowing all the full details - which, I have no problems. That being said, I am curious as to what this piece is. It almost feels like the fragment of a larger story or perhaps part of a novel.

Anyway, I found the ending to be pretty satisfactory. Melissa ending up finding the help she needed it a breath of relief, especially after reading the entire story biting my nails wondering if she was going to be okay. I really liked that.

One thing I do want to mention is that I wish there was a bit more conclusion on the “alienating” aspect. Throughout the entire piece, it’s describing Melissa being on the outs - people fear her, people don’t understand her, etc. I think that’s a huge problem with mental health and I’m so glad you included that, but along with Melissa getting the help she needed at the end and became “not alone”, I would love for there to be a message like “it’s ok to not be ok” or “it’s normal and it may be scary but it’s ok”. If that makes sense? Obviously, it’s just a suggestion but I think it’s something that could tie together more pieces of the story.

I do agree with the reviewer below me, too - much of the story took on a passive tone (which I think was really effective in portions, but in others I wanted a lil more) that felt like it was missing some emotion. I think there’s a lot of emotion present in the dialogue - it’s strong dialogue. But I think more emotional descriptors in the description could really enhance the scene. Even “trembling hands” or “spinning head” - stuff like that!

Okie dokie, I think that’s it. This was a really intense read with a hopeful twinge at the end and I’m guessing that that was the tone you were going for, so great job with that!

Peace,
~ EternalRain




Knight731 says...


Hello! Thank you for your comment! The reason why this story left off of a cliffhanger and not much was explained about Melissa is because when I wrote this story, it was supposed to be a little prequel to a much bigger story that I am currently writing and posting on a different website. That story follows along with Melissa where this short story left off, as well as introducing a new character that was hinted at the end of this story.

If you are intrested in learning where you can read this story (if you are intrested in that) then please send me a message me! If you dont want to message me here then I also have an Instagram with the username: jinx731. I would be more than happy to show you where to read more of my work!



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Mon Feb 24, 2020 5:52 am
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AndName wrote a review...



Hi!

I like how you open this very serious work with a story book feel. Also, how you separate the paragraphs with lines of her dialogue creates a very nice contrast. The air of mystery of what Melissa is running from and why she acts the way she does really draws you in to find answers. The part where her legs grow and shrink reminded me off Alice in Wonderland in a nice, darker way, and while this is very sad and has a chased feeling to it, I liked how you ended it with hope.

I really liked how you built on the character, slowly unfolding her perspective until the climax when you start to understand her. Great job with pacing! :)

While I really like how you structure this *two thumbs up* the calm, afraid feeling in the beginning doesn't change much as the climax hits. You can picture her, but it's a outside distant perspective. This work is in 3rd person so of course you're looking at her, but it seems still compared to the panic she's feeling looking at her changing legs. I think the last few dialogues trailing in and out off ...'s is a big part of that feeling. The last two, when she's slipping into unconsciousness, would be enough to drive the point home. The others? It seems like she'd be panicking, maybe screaming, which would explain why the neighbor came over. Also, her panic ebbing out with her blood would bring to the forefront of her mind the pain, so.

Overall, I think this is a great work with on point pacing and you executed it wonderfully :) :) :) If I have offended in any way please don't listen to a think I say!


AndName





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