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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this piece of work.
It contains a wide variety of creativity and ingenuity.
However, and this is the part I hate about reviews, there were some errors in your work and there is room for improvement.
Firstly I would like to draw your attention to some of the words/phrases you used.
When you wrote: 'He was fast he was in my face before I knew it, I blocked his attacks as he slashed at me I was barely able to block the attacks in time, and a fatal blow when he opened up with his flurry of attacks.'
You could have made this particular sentence a little more interesting by mixing up the words that you used.
Rather than 'He was fast he was in my face before I knew it'
You could have put 'He was fast, in my face before I even knew it'
This would have shortened the sentence and made it a little more snappy and decisive. I would also like to caution you on frequenting the word 'he'.
True it does refer to a certain character it can be overused so try to use the characters name every now and then.
It also helps do convey your characters own emotions every now and then. Rather than just saying:
'Well then, looks like it’s time for Dark Heart to go to work, I walked though the street where buildings have yet to be set ablaze'
You could have shown what your main character thought about what was going on around him i.e.: 'This was wrong. I need to stop this before innocent people are hurt. I don't think I could forgive myself if I let this maniac run wild!'
And also watch out for mixing up tenses as you have done once or twice in this piece. (I'm sure I don't need to explain the different tenses to you)
I would like to draw attention to the cliffhanger that you gave us at the end. Creating a cliffhanger is a good way to make people wait and want for the follow up to this piece of work. However, when writing a cliffhanger be sure to have a certain degree of mystery and curiosity from your character.
For example: 'Who was this woman? What did she want? What can I do to discover these things?'
That's all I'm going to say because there is another review here and I don't wish to be too repetitive of it. However you should always listen to those who give you advice and suggestions and always check your work before you submit it.
Good luck with the writing my friend.
Heyo MM, Captain Crazy to the review~
more like an overpowered punk that likes to beat up on people), and so forth.By now I think I've figured out when you say novel, you don't mean novel, per say, but extracts. Because this really doesn't strike me as a novel. It's a tad short, and, as omniyus under me said, lacks everything that would mark a novel chapter as one -- history, characterization, and so forth. I have no idea what Senka looks like (I do, but that's because I've joined an SB in which you used her as a character, but another reader wouldn't), no idea what she wants, why she's defending the city (she doesn't seem like a superheroine
So, treating this as a battle scene you've been working on.
The first paragraph, like most of the scene I must confess, doesn't flow very well at all. Nit-picking:
Watch out for that tense confusion there. This is something that you do often and should go about correcting. Furthermore, that comma is really jarring, I suggest you replace it with a full stop.
Of all your paragraphs, this is probably the one that makes me cringe the most. Firstly, make should be made. Secondly. The action. 'Major killing' doesn't cut it. Show, don't tell. Where is the gore flying, blood spurting, the screams of terrified innocents as they're butchered mercilessly, the wail of sirens, the acrid smell of the ominous black flames, and so on. Bulk things out, I assure you it works wonders.
Need I really repeat myself? Watch those tenses.
Wow, tanks and shit. Again, description. Some sort of backstory/character's thoughts/etc would have been nice here.
Ah, what is Gun Bird, exactly? I mean, description would have been appreciated.
FINALLY, description. Oh wait, it's an info dump. Hmmm. To make this part flow better, and to even out the description, I recommend you throw in a word or two of description in each sentence, say, during the combat or as Senka is approaching.
Again, my thoughts of Senka being another rival supervillain are being reinforced with alarming rapidity. Grammatically this is also incorrect. You need not repeat the second 'I said', it's just useless. Also... where does the halberd, which needn't be capitalized, shoot from? Halberds are infantry pikes. And where does Senka carry it around? You mentioned it has a portable form... what does it look like?
Again, the second 'he said' is redundant. Furthermore, the first 'he' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, why is he using a sword in modern era? That just doesn't happen outside of Final Fantasy and related games. Annnd, holding your blade to your side is not a good idea when your opponent is holding a ranged weapon. Recommended would be the mid-guard, which protects the body from the groin to the chest. Better still, don't stand still and uncovered when your opponent can shoot you dead .
, I blocked his attacks as he slashed at me I was barely able to block the attacks in time, and a fatal blow when he opened up with his flurry of attacks. I began to spin Gun Bird to block his attacks, which was really effective for a time. I was finally able to counter attack, as he slowed down with his attacks, I brought Gun Bird down in a powerful swing, but he dodges backwards just barely missing the tip of the spear part of Gun Bird. He was breathing heavy as he was out of range from me. [/quote].
Oh, wait, he's really fast. My bad. So fast Senka can't shoot him as he's running. Okay.
.
Again, full stop instead of the first comma. Okay, combat scene. Just a few tips these --
the slash: where is it coming from? High-right to center, high-right to low right, high-right to low left, high-left to center, right, left, or high to low? It helps to create a vivid image in your reader's mind. This goes double as you mention multiple strikes.
The block: halberds are made of wood, after a furry of blows from steel, one would break, since I assume Senka is blocking with the wooden part. I also realize it's probably not made of wood. That's another flaw. I shouldn't be realizing these things, I should be reading them. Furthermore, said enemy swordsman is probably very bad at his profession, as it wouldn't take much for him to say, stab straight off-beat into Senka's chest. Even for a tier four character it's impossible to twirl a halberd fast enough to create a solid barrier. In fact it's nigh impossible to actually block something by spinning a halberd, it's suicidal. A diagonal mid-guard block followed by a swift stabbing counter-attack would have worked just as well.
The counter-attack: ah, how, exactly, does she counter-attack? From Senka's awkward defensive position I find it somewhat difficult to think she could effectively pull off a counterattack. Regardless, you need to work on this scene, from combat tempo to flow to realism, as with all your scenes.
Just a few more nit-picks, then I'm done, I promise.
Wait, it's an axe, a gun, and a halberd? What?
I'll skip over the building scene, but I suggest you add in some description there, as well as change how it's narrated, I just can't get into the fight as it is now.
Excuse me, Senka intended to...? I assume you meant to repeat 'hit'. I suggest a synonym. Secondly, the mysterious lady bit. She appears out of thin air, yes? Just for clarity's sake, specify that. And if it is indeed in mid-air and not my misinterpretation, a clash of that magnitude would send them both crashing down onto the asphalt or ruined tanks. That would hurt. Quite a bit.
Nevertheless, you're showing definite signs of improvement. Keep at it an maybe one day your fight scenes will be readable.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
Ah bah, quotes messed up there.
Sorry about that, did not mean to do that. Oh well.
) but on more serious terms, it was not good at all. This had no history, no point in time. All I knew was that this murder-loving woman (which it took me a while to find out that she was a woman, I don't know if you wanted it that way, just pointing that out.) who walks along a charred-type Chicago. Not much storyline. At all. She just starts attacking this random guy, with the military looking at them from afar. Then at the end a random woman came in to join the battle.
*Coughs awkwardly* Well, let's get this show on the road then. Time to review!
Now I will judge you in two categories that will have various sub-categories: Grammer and Storyline.
Grammer: I have to say, my dog could write better than this. (Okay, I don't have a dog, and I'm pretty sure he could not write as good as this, but that would be amazing)
From a writer's standpoint, this is not good. Not good at all. To start off with, I could tell you wanted this to be in present tense, which is fine, but you kept on using past tense verbs, which again is fine to some people, but it is and always will be somewhat confusing. I suggest you change that.
I only saw one misspelled word. So that's that...
Now onto the sentence structure. (Note that I do not include quotations on this, for people speak in mysterious ways.) Not all of your sentences have right sentence structure. Some have random words that do not make sense to the rest of the context, and others do not have words that should be in there. Such a shame.
All in all, grammer wise, I give this a 7 out of 10. Not bad, but could be much better.
Storyline: This is a very short chapter, so I don't expect to understand half of what was going on, but to put it bluntly, this was a train wreckage of dullness. Fight scenes are nice, and everyone enjoys them, but if you want a fight scene with no storyline, go to Call of Duty (
This story was very difficult to read. One for having no storyline whatsoever excpet for a fight scene and two was that you changed topics so fast. It made the tempo of the story look like a heartbeat monitor.
All in all, storyline wise, I give you a 5 out of 10. I see a lot of potential in this, but on the track you're heading, there aren't going to be many people who like this.
I don't like it when I have to do reviews like this, but I hope it helps. I do like this story, although it was a bit of a pain to read, I want more, and I want some sort of a history or backbone or something for this story. It would make this so much better!
Thanks for having me, Omniyus
You spelled grammar wrong, bud
Thank you for pointing that out. Frankly, I was surprised I didn't misspell more. I was typing in the dark
Trololo congratulations, then, on excellent memory skills.