.

Basically what I said in my last review.

So here it goes:

“I am wanting” – careful with your tenses, also keep the narrative coherent, as in use the same type of tense (choose either past or present, don’t mix.)

The next three sentences repeat today, later on the same with black, you don’t want that. Also the structure is too similar I suggest variation in style. Finally make sure that each and every sentence presents relevant information and doesn’t restate or rephrase a point that has been already made or brings a detail which serves no purpose. As it is with the fact he ate.

“The black flames roared I soon found myself out in the industrial district of the city where the flames were highest.” – something is going on in the beginning of this sentence you probably would like to fix.

“was doing some major killing. He slashed at and murdered innocent civilians.” – it is said too straight forward. Sometimes it’s fine but in this case you wish to establish things better. Describe the scene, the journey to it, the heat of the flames, the ashes in the air, the blood spattered around, the animalistic look that man had on his face. See? Add details to give a feeling of what is going on, not too many of them, just enough to set the mood.

So what happened to that guy? Did the protagonist just walk by uncaring? Did he lose sight of him in the chaos? Did he confront him? Give some resolution, entrance and exit of characters in each scene, don’t just mention they exist.

I’ll be brutally honest, I see some great ideas there but the execution isn’t that great. We shall ignore the inexperienced style, you can fix that by writing and reading more. Overall it seems like you just throw the reader in the midst of action only you can see. Statements flash by, events are noted, but there is no sense of immersion. What you like to do is take your time, establish the settings, build up the action and the characters and generally lead the reader along gently by the hand not just spam sentences and hope they are able to make out what’s going on.

Finally I suggest numbering your chapters more clearly, I didn’t know where to begin so I just picked on random and I might be missing some very necessary pre-established action or background.

In any case, keep writing, you have some good ideas.

Hey there LoyalHeart!

Firstly, I felt that this story was pretty short, even for a chapter. The fight scene could have gone on for much longer before the mysterious lady stepped in. To be honest, the sword scene wasn't much of an excitement. It wasn't detailed enough, I only saw "block a fatal blow", "able to counter attack", "brought Gun Bird down in a powerful swing". These phrases are very generic. They don't show the reader much in a fight scene. Instead use phrases like "block a blow to my chest", "able to strike back at him, swinging Gun Bird at his hip", "brought Gun Bird down from above, looking to land a blow on his head". See the difference, you can clearly see the fight scene.

Overall, a pretty good read. If you change the fight scenes a little and make it more detailed, the story would go on for longer and be more exciting. Also the cliffhanger wasn't much of a cliffhanger, you have ended with the lady with the sword attacking you, to make it more suspenseful. And how did she appear? From above? Or did she suddenly appear from thin air? Do explain.

Cheers, Lycando!