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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello MM. I've never seen your work, so I thought it'd be nice if I reviewed it.
Grammatical imperfections first, on which I agree with DNX and Thunder. This had many a flaw, and here I quote more than the others, as well as sentence structure. Note that you'd best take these with a pinch of salt, as everyone has a different opinion. Nonetheless:
1)
How about: I prowled through the night, away from home, for once - it'd been a while. (I'm changing this a bit because I didn't get the 'awhile' bit, which, incidentally, should be 'a while'). I stalked through the forests looking for prey. Animal blood wouldn't suit me tonight, I was looking for vampire or mortal blood.
....yes, that does change the whole thing a lot, but doesn't it flow much better now?
2)
This is rather confusing and fractured, in my opinion. How about: (continuing from the previous sentence), one of the two, whichever came first I didn't care. I was dressed (mainly? Why, is she wearing something else, or not wearing something?) in black jeans (jeans doesn't need to be capitalized), a tank top and a jacket, so (note the period and the missed capitalization there) I could hide myself in darkness, which allowed/so I could to catch/catch prey easier.
...on a side note, wearing black at night doesn't actually help a person become less visible. I take it they're not in a city, where black is all the more useless, nevertheless.
3)
Whoa whoa whoa. What? To clear up the mess here, let's try: (...) with me, hanging low around my bum as I moved through the trees. I hear laughter nearby and went to the source. I saw two teenagers (the apostrophe was redundant) laughing.
4)
Not that many mistakes here, but I felt like this was necessary to point out: (...) two [b] love-struck birds, well (...) their night ruined by me.
5)
Here we go again: As I (your character is drawing near, I presume) drew closer to the two (once again, number confusion) the first thing that (...) their foreheads (also, though I take it vamps have night visions, it should be kind of hard to spot a tattoo at night), that made me (...). No grammatical imperfections in this part, but a high-and-mighty vampire probably wouldn't have a 'voice' like that.
6)
The guy was dressed (once again no 'mainly' is required) down in black :/. he/He had a (...)
7)
Righto. Fight scene, yay! Try this: I prepare to make my assault . I leaped from the branch onto the guy, quickly prying his mind as the girl screams out. The man manages to get a dagger out and swings (no apostrophe), cutting me across the face, but I saw the fireball that's coming towards me and hop off . (Firstly, where the heck did that fireball come from? I assume the character is one of your vamps which happen to have elemental powers, but the readers don't know that, and besides, you didn't mention who shot said fireball. Secondly, hop off from what? Your character was already jumping from said branch, it's - apart from the logistic flaws - physically impossible to do that, even if you are a vamp) I check my bronze skin (...) Then I got to one knee and looked at the two closer . (This from a tree branch up high? Yeah no)
(...) And the name's (there is where you needed that apostrophe) Kelly Myers, a fully fledged vampyre!" The girl, Kelly, exclaimed (DNX mentioned how 'vampyre' is wrong. Actually you can spell it that way, but it wasn't specified here.
9)
This whole scene has the potential to be good, but was utterly ruined by the grammar structure. To point out but a few mistakes:
which I’m not I know I’m not
Try: Which I'm not, I know I'm not ... or something
Also: A giant fireball I barely managed to avoid
Try: A giant fireball shot at me, which I barely managed to avoid ... heck, I have no idea.
Ah, here we go, new and sudden POV switch, okay.
1)
Let's start this off with: what does the beginning mean? I don't get, it, I'm sorry. Remember, the readers aren't in your head. This goes for pretty much all your story.
Also, when Kelly shoots her fireballs, in Kira's bit only one is mentioned. But whatever. The paragraph also seems stilted for some reason, probably the sentence structure. The 'stilted part goes for the following paragraphs as well. Again, this could be awesome, but it's not quite that yet.
2) Another thing I had to point out because I ROFL'd at it (I'm sorry to say)
Speck to me ? Lol. Try speak instead.
I'm sorry that this was so harsh, take it as 'Critical' instead, aye?
And now it's three accurate reviews you can't argue with.
I forgot to add, I like where this is going, the idea of vamps fighting each other, and, as Rocky pointed out in the Lounge, you do get into your role well. Just practice on grammar.
I have to say, I must agree with DarknecrosisX, this story has many a flaw. I would just like to quote what you have said in reply to him:
"that's another thing whatever "word checker" I used happens to be Word perfect and not at one time did I get a spelling mistake such as the ones you had pointed out."
If Microsoft Word misses spelling errors such as:
"Speck", "Lobed", "Vampyre" to name a few. You used the possessive "Their" when you needed the accusitive as in "they're". Your apostrophes were in places they were not required and, as DNX, mentioned, you repetitively changed tenses.
Before you storm in telling people about their crap reviews, at least take their views on things. And don't lie just to beef yourself up either; it was clear you didn't type this into Word at all (if you did then I am seriously reconsidering buying the new Office programmes. XD).
Feel free to trash this review too, but you can't say that two people submitted inacurrate reviews.
Now to what I liked. You have clearly got into role with your characters and have direction for the plotline. Practice on grammatical structure and tenses.
WordPerfect is not with Micro Soft word matter of fact I find Microsoft word totally crap in comparason to the one I use and there is a secret to these tales I do not make clear. These character's are character's that are from Storybooks I post in, Kelly and Pharaoh are from a House of Night SB, and the SB is based off of P.C Casts series that is called the House of Night. And in the series "Vampire" doesn't have it's usual spelling in this it has a "y" intead of an "I" in it. And not to mention that I also feature people who have some type of relationship with my said SB character's hence Pharaoh and Kelly's relationship together, and yes WordPerfect did in fact catch the spelling's but left as need be for how I wanted them to be spelled. If only reviewer's kept that in mind.
As a matter of fact, MM, try typing your stuff into word, then copy/paste onto YWS. That's what I did. Which is also what I did before reviewing your work, and boy did it give me mistakes
MM!
Proper as promised!
Yes, there are a few mistakes, but if this were perfect, it'd be posted in a magazine or an anthology instead of a website designed to help young writers like us. But onto the more important side of this review.
This was great. Amazing. As always. The fight scene was well detailed and excelled expectations when you first told me about this idea. You still use a lot of "he, she, and I" starts to sentences, which are good when used in variety, but this has improved since the last time. I like how you had Kelly charge up to get her power, instead of just summoning it and flinging it out towards her enemy. It added a relatable touch to her character, even if it's just about impossible for powers like that to come within reach of me...Unfortunate....
Anyways, other than what's stated above and the occasional error, awesome job!
Keep me posted on the next one!
~ The Rockster
An average short story/prolougue, however there were WAY too many mistakes made in this. Here are all those I spotted:
1. LHeart said "I prowling though the night"
Consider: "I prowled through the night"
2. LHeart said "looking for prey animal blood wouldn’t suit me tonight, I was looking for vampire blood or mortal blood. One of the two I didn’t care which ever came first,"
Consider: "looking for prey. Animal blood wouldn’t suit me tonight; I was looking for either vampire or mortal blood. One of the two I didn’t care, which ever came first."
3. LHeart said "I mainly dressed down in black Jeans, tank top and a jacket. so I could hide myself in darkness to allow catching prey easier."
Consider: "I was mainly dressed in black Jeans, a tank top and a jacket; this way I could hide myself in darkness, making catching prey easier."
(P.S Dressing down means getting yelled at.)
4. LHeart said "it hung low around my bum as I moved though the trees. I heard laughter nearby and went towards the source to see two teenagers laughing."
I lied previously, I spotted LOADS more, so many I don't have the time to point them all out. Try typing up whatever you write into a word checker or something, this way you won't have this many errors to ruin the story. Also, try to maintain your tense, you switched multiple times it confused me. Try practising more before posting something like this onto YWS, I gets me loads of points, but it doesn't give much popularity to your writing credentials.
This review may seem harsh, but it's the truth.
If you would like any more reviews from me, feel free to send me a PM.
Regards
DNX
Bah some review I'm openly trashing this, I do not consider this a review, matter of fact I consider it trash since all you did was trash my work, you do not deserve whatever points you had gotten from this cause it was not constructive like it's supposed to be. It does not help me improve whats so ever and that's another thing whatever "word checker" I used happens to be Word perfect and not at one time did I get a spelling mistake such as the ones you had pointed out. I believe your review is utter trash and doesn't deserve any points what so ever.
It maybe the truth but you should consider how others feel.
Hey MM, I get DNX was harsh to you, but you were now equally harsh to him, and more so. He was trying to point out the flaws, that's all. I'm sure he wasn't intentionally mean to you. So no need to trash his own review, on the contrary, take it into consideration for your next posts
Of course word wouldn't point them out as spelling mistakes. The original words come through as real words, though they do not fit grammatically.
Though there are considerable grammatical mistakes nonwithstanding
LHeart, you could not be more wrong about DNX's review. Anything which points out the mistakes you made so you can better yourself as a writer is thousands of times more useful than 'I like his lol XD NYAN!'. If you cannot better yourself because of a review, then, frankly, it is not a review at all. If praise is all you want, you will have to check everything you write yourself to ensure that it is 100% perfection before you ever submit it; a tit-for-tat trashing of someone's review is not the way to earn friends.
How about you guys take this else where, I've had enough shit for one work and don't need anymore, this is end of the discussion.
Let's not turn this into an argument or discussion please. Yes, I get that his review was meant to better LHeart as a writer, but it was harsh. Do have any idea what an unasked for review like that does to a person? It makes them feel like crap, makes them feel like they have no potential and can't make it in this business or career line or whatever else they're reaching for. What happened to the idea of constructive criticism? People make mistakes. Big whoop. It happens. Yes, a review is supposed to point those out and make it so that the writer knows what to do next time to prevent those mistakes. But a review is also supposed to be encouraging. You're supposed to tell them what you liked about the work, what you see that could grow into something more. Your opinion matters to the author. Of course they want praise. Of course they want the truth. But the truth is best served in small measures. Instead of tearing someone down, build them up. We, as human beings, learn from our mistakes. But a person with nothing but mistakes, who believes that no one believes in them, is less than half the person they could be. If you truly want to better someone as a writer, go step by step with them and tell them how to be better, not what they can do to fix one piece.
Encouraging reviews are all well and good, yeah, but pointing out the mistakes is also good... nay, required, in a review. DNX was harsh, yeah, but at least MM now knows his mistakes... 'trashing', as he put it, his work, and making him feel like shit, as he once again put it, wasn't DNX's aim - I trust - although yes, he needs to work on his harshness.
Nevertheless, MM should be glad - at least to some degree - about said review. And that last bit... how can MM feel depressed/down about 1 review? At least, for that long? And besides, 3 reviews hammer the point home... bah, let's end this.