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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey MM, Captain Crazy offering a belated review on this, since I felt like reading action, and had exhausted all other sources on YWS.
As other stated, there are a lot of syntactical/grammatical errors, but, as usual, I'll point them out since I like to nit-pick.
Glaring mistake. Try 'I walked into the abandoned warehouse. I was ready to party, someone had sent a battle royal invite, where winner takes all (what, incidentally) and losers die.
The first bit should go with the first paragraph, or at least the comma after 'all' should be
replaced by 'the.'
The first bit should, again, be tied with the previous paragraph, or the comma replaced by a period. Alright well, I'll actually ignore minor grammatical errors, and skip to the more important ones.
Tactical knife, what? How are knives tactical? Unless it's an odd bayonette-like gun apparatus used in CoD that I don't know of.
Alright, the dialogue. Evidently, both aren't genre savvy. Otherwise, one of them would have, while talking, shot the other dead. But regardless. When the opponent shoots, your character would be dead. No human, even with seven years of training, is fast enough to dodge bullets as they hear the bang, from such a close range . So your character is now dead. Regardless, we carry on.
The rest is just a convoluted series of grammatical errors that make no sense whatsoever.
Oo a crossover? There was no Halo in the Hunger Games, I believe.
Ach, person confusion.
Well, I think that should do it. To recap overall, which applies to the piece I haven't reviewed, I really recommend you use a spellchecker, proofread, and also read up on how guns and swords actually work. Shooter videogames aren't exactly always realistic.
This wasn't one of your better pieces, though I know you've improved somewhat since then.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Hey, buddy!
Great piece here. You only have the basics to its full potential though. As AwesomeSocks said, you've got a ton of run-on sentences and misplaced apostrophes. As I've said before, though, grammar is easily fixed. You just have to pay attention to what you're writing, and/or use a source such as Microsoft Word to double check. Another thing is all of the back stories. It's hard not to tell when you're giving a glimpse into a character's past, but a good way to show it is through thoughts or even flashbacks. This way, you aren't just stating what happened, but rather painting the full picture for the readers. Lastly, you describe a lot near the beginning and add in bits and pieces near the end. When either character is in pain or fearing for their life, though, it almost seems emotionless. Especially in the last paragraph. Alena's death happens so fast, which it's necessarily a bad thing considering how quickly she would have passed. Perhaps you could add in more emotive descriptions. For example, fear could be shown through the sweating of one's palms or brow, through the frantic beating of one's heart, from the racing of one's thoughts. There's plenty of ways to show an emotion.
Other than that, awesome! Keep me posted, as always, on the next tale!
~ The Rockster
I'm sorry, but this didn't really hold my attention. Part of the reason was because it was so difficult to read. You have many run-on sentences and mis-placed apostrophes, but I don't really have the time to nit-pick and point out every mistake. The story was interesting enough, but I feel like the reader is just thrown into the action without much warning or reason. I would suggest more of a preface so that the reader doesn't feel lost.
If you wish to find a way to edit this, I suggest using Microsoft Word, because they underline any mistakes you make. Just my personal preference, but if you would like some help in editing this, I am available
Stay Awesome,
Socks ^.^