Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey MM. Here to review, as guaranteed. I'll be reviewing as I read, so bear with me.
The thing that struck me immediately is the fact that this isn't formatted like a proper chapter, or even the beginning of anything. I know these characters, I know the events and whom the mysterious 'Sooth' is, but only because I've SB'd with you. You're using the same characters, but those that haven't participated in the SB would have no idea about these characters, their backgrounds, or the events surrounding them. It's easy to compliment a piece of work when you know all about the characters beforehand, how they act and re-act, and so on. Rocky, Pix, Arah, and so on. They know all about these events. The others don't. Keep that in mind, yes?
Well, moving on. First paragraph:
This needs a lot of work so that, in my opinion, it can flow well. Allow me to re-write the whole paragraph, then point out specific details. Take this with a pinch of salt, as it would alter your style, but yeah.
I rose out of the water, collecting my belongings after having found a hot water spring. Everyone else had set up camp not far from here: Roe and Ingrid were splashing around in the water, having their fun. As usual I let them be. I put on (you don't 'get' clothes on) my dark blue t-shirt with my black leather half-jacket and skinny jeans, then I rolled up my sword in a bread roll (note the two 'rolls'. Also you're not rolling the sword itself. But whatever) and made for camp. We had escaped from Sooth’s burning camp and headed east, until we eventually came across these woods and decided to rest, and since the spring was near by we really wanted to get clean (logistic imperfection, there, but nevermind). I came into a clearing, in the middle of which there was a single tree stump . I moved on as a storm was brewing overhead (this gives me the impression the camp is really far away). I was almost out of the clearing when I heard a female voice.
Here we go again. Apart from the same minor imperfections as pointed out in the above paragraph, I also note that you mentioned Eagle Crest Hallows (which I note you spelled wrong). You don't hint at it again, either. Anyone who hasn't taken part of that Character Chit-Chat won't know what it is. Plus it's a completely different space-time frame, but whatever.
Two other nit-picks I found (alas not the only ones):
[b] "truley should be 'truly' ; "I gave me a smug look" should be ' I gave her [/b] a smug look'
for as much as I know, she could kill all of Sooth himself if she really wanted to.
.... why, others can only kill [i] part of him? Lol, yeahno.
(... more nit-picky mistakes follow...)
"Fight on my friend and we'll meet in battle some other day, I say"
Then the two others leave. Um...?
[b] (...) man and a boy walked out would be the proper tense, which of course would clash with the rest of the 'story'
You, however, did create an interesting fight scene, as is your custom.
Sorry this was so harsh, but I truly hope it'll help
~Ita
nice! I liked the fighting scene. But think you use the word chuckle a bit too much.
MM!
Awesome. I've already told you. *nods*
Pix covered the grammar pretty well, so I'm going to focus on a few other things.
The one that really stands out to me is that the three of us know what both Gemini's look like, but the other readers don't. You describe what they're wearing, which is good, but what other physical attributes do they have? What hair color? Eye color? Facial expression?
The other thing is most of your sentences start with I or She. It gets better throughout the story, using different words and creating variety, but you could improve this during the huge fight. Instead of saying "She swung down and her sword barely missed me" (i know that's not in there, just work with me) try "Swinging her sword down, her sword barely missed me" or some other way that I just don't feel like writing out.
Other than that, amazing. Keep going with these ideas.
Awesomeness!
- The Rockster.
I really like this.
Plus...Rayah is my character and that was something she would've said. You know her so well! 
Keep it up.
Alright...Here we go...
I can tell you don't "like" using periods...I think You need to work on that. There are lots of sentences that should be split into 2 sentences. It got kind of confusing.
Also, with the title...I don't think it's suppost to be "tail" for the way you used it. It's suppost to be "Tale" Beause when you wrote yours you said it like you were saying both the Gem's had a
Tail. And I don't think they do....
I think you should make the different point of views on bold, or say- "Gemini Randa's P.O.V" Because I got confused on that.
I really like it overall. It was really detailed and I liked that.