I offer thee
thy crimson tears
to take away
florescent fears.
So drink my soul,
don’t suck too much,
for come daylight
we turn to dust.
In the evening,
out of the depths,
wrapped in fog,
our yearning crept.
Your skin on mine;
gained temptation.
The stakes growing;
life creation.
The heart skipping;
sealing the bond.
Releasing souls;
forever fond.
Sir, oh my heart!
We’ll never part.
For thy blood flow;
our piece of art.
The rush of wind;
art thou flying?
Unmastered act;
I’m still trying.
Shall I conquer?
Yes, Sir, will thou?
Romantic seals;
our wedding vows.
Eternal life;
thee immortal.
Thy beating heart;
crimson portal.
Oh, asked once more,
answer thy question.
Please accept thy
kind expression:
I offer thee
thy crimson tears.
Let me vanish
thou horrid fears?
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140,177 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hello! Morgan3509 here! First of all, I love the poem VERY much. I have, for a long time, been very into vampires, and i believe that this is a very interesting take on it. I absolutely LOVE your wording, by the way. The stanzas are beautiful, and paint a picture in my mind, which is great for a poet! I do agree with the previous critiquers that "thee" sounds better than "you," because it blends with the rest of your sort of Victorian- style language (i'm not sure if I'm saying that right). The first stanza is amazing; I love the way you said: Fluorescent fears.
Keep up the good work!
~Morgan3509
I loved this! It was beautiful and the images appeared perfectly in my mind. It is truly a masterpiece. One suggestion I can make is, while I loved the use of archaic words, I think the mix of archaic and modern breaks the rhythm of the poem in a few places, such as:
Although I did like this stanza, I think the rhythm is ruined a little from the use of 'thy'. Maybe it's just me, but I think 'my' would fit much nicer. Besides this, the poem was unbelieveable. You have the makings of a true poet.This is the kind of poetry I enjoy reading. Simplistically beautiful. My favorite part was this section of the poem:
I wrote a few small words relating to this type of poetry -vampire poetry. It can be very passionate sounding when executed right. And I personally feel that this poem you wrote here was executed to a near flawlessness. Kudos
Maybe you can review what I wrote similarly since you seem so great with poetry. It's not usually the type of thing I am use to writing. I'd sure appreciate some pointers! Although I have not posted it yet. I'm following you on the site. Maybe you could return the favor? Newbie here
This poem eerily reminded me of one of my older poems. In a really cool way that is. The use of words like "Thy" felt akward to me, but that might just be my taste.
I love this! Good use of rhyme and diction! This poem certainly has a "vampire" kind of feel to it!
"The heart skipping;
sealing the bond.
Releasing souls;
forever fond."
Those were my favorite lines!
Keep up the good work, Kiicoh!
Ok, now first off I'm not a picky person. I REALLY liked your poem and think you have a great concept. Other than the~
Your skin on mine;
gained temptation.
The stakes growing;
life creation.
"Your" should be "Thy"
Other than that, I didn't find any mistakes. I really liked reading this and hope you write more of your stuff soon! I enjoyed the concept most of all. Keep writing Kiicoh, because you are good, and it would suck to waste your talent!
I didn't like the way "thy" sounded in replacement of "your" in that spot. i did notice that as I was writing it, but decided to keep it as "Your".
Hi Kiicoh!
Okay! So this critique is going to sound extremely nitpicky, but that's only because I really like the concept of your poem.
Now! The first thing I noticed was the archaic way of speaking. For example, you used thy and thou, etc. However! You missed a 2nd person! Look it here:
Your skin on mine;
gained temptation.
The stakes growing;
life creation.
"Your" should be "Thy!"
Another thing! You use a lot of archaic words to describe people... but you use a lot of simple words throughout the poem. So, I was just thinking, what if you used a bunch of archaic words throughout the poem? Really make our brain cells work? I think it would be fabulous! Also, if you can use metaphors to say more than what you mean here? That would be totally awesome too!
So play around with this! I
thinkknow you can make this great.