The browning petal of life…
A weakness or strength?
The tears may be flowing,
and the future unknowing,
the wind barely blowing;
your course will take it’s length.
The internal maze of confusion…
Do you understand what it‘s about?
Your mental state hazing.
The sun’s continuous blazing,
depressing the problems you’re facing;
I promise you’ll make it out
for the reason of the feather…
Are you keeping up?
Your heart’s gravity striving
while everyone’s goodbye-ing.
I need you to keep trying,
for a dilemma has struck.
The flickering lights of flame…
Undecided, or consideration?
Ideas will be sparking;
curious thoughts of parting,
but the growth is impacting;
life of implication
for the roads aren’t always clear…
Yet the seasons still transition?
Your feet’ll continue moving
With the pathways you’re choosing.
Your clarity is clueing
The ability to position.
The sun’s setting of goodnight…
Will you progress through the days?
I’ll always be here waiting
if your life needs saving.
In the morning sky’s bathing,
You’ll make it through the craze.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hey Kiicoh,
I'm here as requested. First of all, let me say that this was astounding. Your word choice was excellent, and the idea of a 'progression' was really there, it was a very real idea.
I only have two small citicizms:
1) Your middle two stanzas could easily be broken up into four, like your beginning and ending stanzas. I think it would have a better effect on the entire flow of this piece.
2)I had a little trouble with which syllables I should put emphasis on. It is a rhyming poem, so emphasis is a big part of your overall structure. If you only had two rhyming lines in the middle of your stanzas, then I would be able to figure out the beat of this poem much easier. But, maybe I'm just reading it wrong or something. It's your call; no big deal.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
I agree with what the others have been saying, and it seems like the rhyming is a little forced. Also (this is merely a personal preference), I have found that, when it comes to a sympathy poem, shorter is better. One doesn't want to read five stanzas about a departed loved one. Despite this, I believe it is quite a thoughtful work. Keep writing! xD
i'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this but...it seems like your forcing the rhyming thing a bit, it stops and starts. the flow is disrupted i guess. it's a nice thing youve done. great idea and all but i think you could work on it more, it didn't have very good imagery. the emotions were all there but you could possibly try working on the imagery. show it to the reader, not tell (even though i struggle with this im working on it). i write a bit of poetry myself so i know where you're coming from and what you're trying to achieve but it needs a bit of work. keep trying never stop writting what ever you do...you're a promising poet...
hope this helped
Soap
p.s sorry if there arae any typo's in this, my keyboard is having problems... XD
It is in a flow that enchants the reality check as well as it renews how anyone feels at a loss!
I think you have done an absolutely awesome job! Don't forget to keep up with the spirit next time..
You have it done this time as well though it is still a little at lack..
But c'mon..this is a really great piece! be proud of it! I absolutely love the way you question.. Its like your in no doubt that your right,which you are!
I wouldn't wanna mention anything else about the catch in the flow cuz i believe that rhyme schemes and flows are natural to poets! And they're unique to all! Just like your's is.. So stick on to your schemes!
Good job
and
never stop!
This was very beautiful. If someone close to me had just passed, I would have wanted to read this.
I think you some up the emotion and feeling very well. The confusion and uncertainty of what’s going to happen next is what really spoke to me.
The fading off in the first line and then the question in the second line of each stanza was a very clever technique. The fact that these feelings are not faked or imagined makes it all the more real.
The thing you can improve on is yor flow. This poem can get clunky and heavy in parts.
Lines like
"Your feet’ll continue moving
With the pathways you’re choosing.
Your clarity is clueing
The ability to position."
Are a bit stop-start and don't roll along that well.
Other than that this is a very moving poem. Congratulation’s xxx