You, I Love

Kiicoh wrote:You I love.
You’re so sweet.
I’ve got butterflies that reach my feet [Maybe it's just me but I feel as if this line was used as a last ditch effort to find something to rhyme with feet.]
Though the feeling can conquer

My emotions.
My nerves,
Triggered by your words,
That I deserve to hear [I like this verse here in particular. The way the words are broken invoke this feeling of thought. As if reciting the fact that their words touch your being in said manner stirs your soul when merely thinking of it.]

To make me feel.
Make me feel similarly
Like when I’m out of line frequently
When I’m defensive,


But my point. [In lue of the previous verse, closing with this sentence makes the previous verse seem redundant, or misplaced. The topic of the previous verse doesn't lead into the second verse topic that well.]
The one I’m trying to reach,
Can never be breached, [Feels like another weak attempt to make words rhyme. It's a fairly illustrated verb but, to me, it doesn't pack quite the punch I was expecting.]
For it’s powerful

The way I place.
I place your love in my heart, [Again, it feels like another weak attempt at a rhyme. :/]
And we will never be apart
Because you,
I love.

You had an interesting rhyme pattern going on here. I liked it. The thing is, some of the rhyming lines were so different in length that you lost the rhyming feel. I suggest you even up the lengths -- the easiest way to check that your lines are even is by counting the syllables.

Now, some of the lines didn't make sense, or were too vague to understand. I suggest you write this poem out in sentence form since it's an easy way to check that everything makes sense, especially punctuation-wise. In addition, adding more imagery and specific examples will help make this poem stronger. There are a lot of poems out there, so if you want your poem to shine, you'll need something about it to stand out, and having unique imagery is the easiest way to make a lasting impression.

awww this was really nice and sweet.

Triggered by your words,
That I deserve to hear