Roses are red,
violets are blue,
sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
The roses have wilted,
they are no more.
My feelings for you,
have fallen to the floor.
Now I feel bad,
I'm sure you do, too,
and the violets are dead,
forget the blue.
The sugar wasn't really,
the sweetness wasn't there.
It must have been salt,
how to compare?
Now back to you,
I hope you're well,
but I can't be with you,
for the roses smell.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Haha! This poem made me smile, despite the fact that it is rather sad. It was light, cute, and slightly cheeky; it reminded me of Owl City's songs. You might could make a song of this one, eh? I liked the "forget the blue" line. The whole thing was very good, and made me happy. Applause!
Loveless here to say: Welcome to YWS!
I liked this part best.This poem was so cute in a really depressing way.
The rhythm was simple and classic, but the words gave it a sort of spark. This poem was refreshing and a nice. It made me smile with a sweet sort of sadness.
I liked this
And yes this is based off of a very well know poem lol. Well that doesnt matter, you made it your own! Just because someone made a pizza, doesnt mean you cant take the idea and make it better! Lol anyway, I have nothing bad to say because I thought this was quite creative
Hello I'm LastPaladin and I'll be your reviewer. This poem was interesting it isn't exactly original but way it's done adds something. The rhyme at the beginning even helps and brings that feeling kinda. My main problem is the rhyming for something like this I'd prefer no rhyming as it came across forced second last stanza and last one. I also wish you'd expanded on it somewhat given us some more imagery.
These are by far the best bits. But I honestly wished elaborated on this and gone for a less cliche method of doing this.
Hope this helps.
Hello there
Welcome to yws!
I actually enjoyed this very much. It was very creative. I think that there was a general good flow through out the poem and I loved it.
That was my favorite stanza.
Good job and I am looking forward to seeing more work like this from you.
Hi there. New member? Welcome to yws, I am glad that you're here. I hope you find yourself at home. Remember to try to write at least three critiques or more to every one submission of a piece, not 'posts.'
Now, on to the critique:
I thought that this was a creative approach, although the first stanza was too similar to me. I can understand the classiness of having the beginning be similar enough, but there are so many mind-numbingly versions of this rhetoric.
Your style seems well thought out, but maybe a little unpracticed. Nothing wrong about that; just keep writing and thinking about any valuable or amusing idea that you have, or your mental internal internal dialogue or interesting things said throughout the day. You don't have to stress about it, just keep yourself open-minded and aware.
Another thing to think about, but you can decide for yourself about is that it doesn't have much order to how it sounds I don't know how often you write, but that is something you need to be aware of if you are not sharing it orally.
The stanza that I liked best was:
"...The sugar wasn't really,
the sweetness wasn't there.
It must have been salt,
how to compare?..."
I think that this showed best your potential and your voice within you writing. I really can't wait to see how your writing develops and grows. Please keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute
THIS IS SOOO TRUTH!!
I loved it