All the long days spent in idle
while the horses meet the bridle.
All the young knights spent perchance,
fighting bad with sword and lance.
The small army mass a thousand,
While their enemy boasts ten thousand.
The long days are all for naught,
sitting here in this baobab tree.
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Hello there fellow review team member! I'm going to review this and hopefully some of your other pieces since you asked so nicely
I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with TakeThatYouFiend because rhyming thousand with thousand really irritated me as well. There has to be some way you can rearrange those two lines to make it so there is something else at the end?
I'm not very strong on writing poetry so I'm not going to attempt to rewrite those lines for you, but perhaps if you ended the first one with the word 'small' through some rearranging? I know for a fact there are words you can rhyme with that!
http://www.rhymezone.com/ This is my favourite site if you get stuck
I quite like that the two last lines don't actually rhyme or fit in with the rest of the poem. It was odd but quite refreshing although I'm not sure about the idea of a 'baobab tree' being used. I know you took artistic license but something about it bugged me...
Overall though, I really liked this and look forward to reviewing more of you work
Icy.
Yea, it probably bugged you because the baobab tree is from Africa, whereas we are talking about, I'm not exactly sure... But somewhere around Europe.
Right, this was great, but I gotta get this bug bear out of my hair. You have rhymed Thousand with Thousand, and this kinda irritated me, sort of breaking up the pacing of the poem if you get my meaning.
Considering the last two lines don't rhyme I would recommend that you separate them from the body of the text, having them as a separate stanza.
The idea is good, a dryad being an interesting narrator, and gives the narrating almost a feeling that the narrator doesn't care either way. This is reinforced by the last stanza which bears no relation to the battle.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
This was enjoyable to read. I really liked the flow of it, and you painted a great picture in my mind.
fighting bad with sword and lance.
I think the word 'bad' here doesn't fit too well. Perhaps you could use, strong? Or something like that.
Other than that I can't find anything. I thought at first the Baobab tree didn't fit well, but I think it gives an ending feel to the poem and reminds you that you're just observing what is going on.
Well done
Hello, my friend.
First, I am quite inexperienced at reviewing poetry. However, I saw the word "dryad," and I was immediately drawn in.
"Bad" seems like rather the wrong word to use in that place. Perhaps use another. It throws off the flow of the poem, and flow is everything.
The final two stanzas just did not work for me. I enjoy the first stanza, but the second stanza seems to topple the intrigue that exists in this poem. It is not that it does not rhythm, but that it does not fit. I realize that I am not explaining it well.
Overall, I quite enjoyed this. Happy Writing!
I know, baobab trees don't grow in the area that the feel of this poem radiates, but I took some artistic licence so that it fit better.