What is life? I try to say
Before you take my voice away.
Theories flutter through my skull,
Though proof of them, there is null.
Your touch is oh so tempting,
but not even you can end my musing.
.
Who am I? I try to ask
Before you give me my life’s task.
You say there is no time for fun,
though proof of this there is none.
Your touch is oh so tempting,
but not even you can end my musing.
.
Questioners like me are few,
We the bringers of the new.
Society you bring us down,
But in the end, we’ll win the crown.
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140,698 Literary Works • 673,654 Reviews
Hey there, Kelpies!
You did a wonderful job of putting words to some of the questions many of us face in life, and the trouble we find when the world tries to answer them for us. We can ask, who am I? But we often don't get to find out for ourselves because the "world" begins to label us before we can say a word. At least, that's what I got from: "Who am I? I try to ask before you give me my life’s task." It almost sounds like the cries of a young adult who's trying to find their identity amidst the pressures of choosing a career path, a degree, or a job.
I also appreciate the repetition in the first and second verse, where you start with a question followed by a "I try to..." I am, however, confused by the repetition of the last two lines of the first and second verse.
I really don't understand what you mean by "your touch." Who's touch? Why is it tempting? Why is it standing in the way of your musing? Perhaps I'm missing something fairly obvious, but I'm really quite confused.
In your last verse (or is it a stanza), the rhymes seemed really forced. I don't know if you felt like you were grabbing for words to end the poem with, but saying that "in the end, we'll win the crown," just felt like a bit of an unsatisfying ending, since the rhyme between down and crown felt forced. The winner of what crown?
Also, just a wee suggestion: you may wanna add and "are" in the third to last line to make it "we ARE the bringers of the new." It seems to make more sense.
Overall, though, it was an enjoyable poem to read! It was interesting to read your thoughts on what life is.
I hope this was helpful in some way! Keep writing!
-Sound
The touch the character wants is the touch of society, acceptance. We'll win the crown, as in questioners will finish with the upper hand. I appreciate your review.
Hello Kelpies! CHRISSY321 here with a nice short review ^^
I really liked this poem! I often think the question 'What is life really about' all the time, and that this poem really helps relate to to reader. There is one line that did stand out to me:
I think this is right. There are many, MANY activities and things in this world that fun, and though the opinion may vary depending on the person, there is at lest a little fun for each person in the world, something that brings them joy
Overall this was a great em, and I really did not see any errors! Great job! Hope to see more works from you !
~Chrissy <3
Thanks!
Hi my name is JustGlitter and um I am going to give you a review. First of all I really liked the flow. Although some of the rhymes felt a little forced to me. It does not mean that it was but in my opinion it did. Anyway I liked the message and the overall poem. Grammar and spelling is good. Overall it was good. That's all sorry if it was not all that good I am still kinda new to this so if it's not the best I am so sorry.
You're doing fine! Welcome to YWS!
Thank you!