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18+ Language Mature Content

The Bisexual Sonnet of Jason Yilfein

by Kelisot


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Jason is one of the charcters that come in the Storyteller's Syndrome. You may know him in my drabble Contractual Love, because he killed someone.

I guess this is somewhat a rant about him shouting at someone, maybe someone bullied him? It's a rough rant, and it's quite heavy, but he's the agressive guy, you know? And I mean agressive... Both ways ;)

Anygays, if you liked this sonnet, perhaps give likes and comment (or review) them! This will give me further support on maybe releasing chapters!!!

=====

If I ever were to encounter

A rigged question to reply

It would give me a shiver

And I would respond a lie

~

Crisis of my identification

A taste for man and woman

Touch his muscular formation

Clutch her clothing of linen

~

So when yummy flavors of both

And more other pallettes come

With others starting to loathe

The last word is me chewing gum

~

I don't give a damn fuck about you

I'll dance with red, purple, and blue


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Tue Sep 20, 2022 7:52 am
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LadyBug wrote a review...



Hello Kelisot! Jade here to leave a review. I was really interested in a poem from a character's point of view, and I very much enjoyed it!

I like the flow, word choice, and the way you embodied this character. Knowing nothing about him, I now know too much about him. I related hard to the bi panic, and the rhyme scheme was super fun and was consistent!


My only concern was the random swear at the end. Is he someone who swears a lot? If so, why weren't they sprinkled throughout, if not, why so randomly? I believe it is supposed to be him coming out of narration and being more in the present, but the transition felt jolty. You could make it more smooth and more concise by utilizing the two extra lines you could use, or even one extra!

I really related to enjoyed this poem and I can't wait to read more from you soon!

Jade




Kelisot says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad that it was relatable.



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Sun Sep 18, 2022 5:39 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there Kelisot! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions
I’m always interested in poetry written from the perspective of a particular character! The overall tone of the poem does match your description of Jason Yilfein which is that he is “rough”. The word choices and the cussing convey the impression of someone who’s a bit delinquent-like (I’m especially thinking of the “chewing gum” image, which reminds me of ‘harmless’ acts of rebellion, kind of like a teenager) though it’s kind of hard for me to imagine that person committing premeditated murder. (But hey, characters aren’t always all as they appear to be!)
I interpreted this poem as being a kind of stream-of-consciousness. I didn’t feel like it was directed towards somebody else, but more like a development of thoughts going through his own head. In the first stanza, he seems more uncertain, with words like “shiver” and “lie”, but the last two stanzas are far more confident, like he’s validated himself now and is ready to rumble. Another reason why I think I interpret this as internal thoughts would be the phrase “Crisis of my identification”. It’s ambiguous as to whether or not it’s ‘his’ crisis or the addressee’s crises over him identifying that way, so I think I interpreted it as the former on my first read.

Grammar/Structure
Something that works well in this poem is how the lines are connected to each other so that it flows. For instance, the “If I ever were . . .” in the first line helped me jump into the speaker’s hypothetical thought process, and the first stanza as a whole had a natural speech-like rhythm. There were some good uses of repeated structures in the second stanza has well, which makes it rhythmic and intense. The “so” to transition to the third stanza is also good because it shows how the thought in the third stanza (which seems to be the speaker’s initial defiance) is related to the second stanza (which seems to be the speaker’s definition of his identity) – namely his realisation of himself concludes in/ causes his ability to be defiant, if that makes sense.

Description
While there is a good continuity of structure, something I think could be improved on would be the continuity of descriptions. Though 14 lines is a small space to squeeze a lot of thought into, and so graceful transitions between imagery/ moods is tough, I think it might be nice to have clearer development between the very aggressive word choices “Touch . . . clutch” to the “others starting to loathe/ chewing gum”. “others starting to loathe” is a slightly abrupt callback to the descriptions in the first stanza of the speaker’s uncertainty and fear of other’s reactions, since it occurs mid-stanza, and as I said the “chewing gum” image seems kind of chilled out for the very intense tone that the speaker uses.
Some directions I would experiment with would be whether one theme/mood per stanza might work best (since this has 4 neatly divided stanzas, a form which lends itself well to this kind of organisation), or maybe putting 3 stanzas to the work of describing one thing and then doing a ‘turn’ in the 4th stanza (which is how sonnets traditionally operate). For instance, 3 stanzas about his identification and a 4th stanza about his rebellion/ defiance against the “others starting to loathe”. (That’s just me spitballing though!)

Overall
As always, your poems have a strong sense of voice. I could imagine who the speaker was, and the strong personality kept the poem interesting and dynamic, so it doesn’t feel like a sonnet that’s just a bunch of words strung together to fit the structure’s requirements. It genuinely feels like the character speaking through the sonnet, and I think that’s a great strength. Overall, this is a pretty solid sonnet that conveys the outline of this character quite strongly.

Hope some of this helps and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim




Kelisot says...


Thank you for you review!



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Mon Sep 12, 2022 2:01 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd bump it out!

First of all, I must say, your title is quite the selling point. As a bisexual who loves sonnets, I felt very targeted by it. Queer poetry is always great and I thank you for adding more to the world. That being said, I really enjoyed this poem! I think it served as a nice little introduction to your character Jason. I appreciate you adding the context at the top, too—now I'm curious to check out the story he was featured in!

This poem mainly seems to be about your character Jason reacting to his own identity and what others think of it—I think you really encapsulated his pride in his bisexuality and also his anger in the fact that he can't exactly express it without being judged negatively by society. I also liked how it was from his perspective as well, rather than being about him—though it would be interesting to see a different take on it, written in third person! If you ever feel like playing around with it, that could be something to do.

The one thing I would say about this is that the rhythm felt a little clunky to me, both due to the sometimes slant rhymes and also your syllabic variables. This could be a more me thing, but I always like poems to flow really nicely. When I started reading this, I couldn't really get into the rhythm of the poem—the lines, to me, didn't flow naturally. Writing in iambs and keeping the pattern fairly consistent over the course of the poem helps with the rhythm, whereas now you've got lines with uneven syllables. Also, I know rhyming is hard, especially with all the other stuff you have to keep in mind, but I do think slant rhymes like "encounter/shiver" and "identification/formation" and "woman/linen" also mess with the flow a bit as well. If you were to revisit the poem, that could be something to keep in mind as you rewrite! I'd recommend reading it aloud— that always helps me a bunch with getting the flow and rhythm right!!

Specifics

Crisis of my identification


This line I was a little unsure about—I generally think of crisis as it pertains to sexuality as a more uncertainty or questioning, but in this context it seemed to be referring to the problem of him being bisexual but society not being accepting. I think a word like "problem" or "mischance" might be better.

The last word is me chewing gum


I don't know why, but this line felt sort of out of place to me? Perhaps because I generally associate sonnets with more historical time periods, and gum feels like a more modern thing to me. It also felt somewhat at odds with the preceding lines; they felt more like generalizations whereas this is more of like, a specific action that seems perhaps isolated to a single occurrence. I'm not sure. Something about it just felt slightly out of place. Could also just be me!

I'll dance with red, purple, and blue


I was a little irked by this line—you could easily replace "red" with "pink" and have it be the same number of syllables. It wouldn't even affect the flow at all, and it would also be more accurate to the bi flag. It could go both ways, but I just thought I'd point it out.

Overall: nice work!! I think you did a good job of really showing Jason's character to the readers, and with a little bit of flow tweaking, I think it could be absolutely outstanding! I hope to read more of your work on here soon! Until next time!!




Kelisot says...


Ah!!!
This sonnet is actually one of the first sonnet writing I've ever done before, so yeah, I expect a lot of criticism in the writing! Thank you for taking the time to review!



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Thu Aug 18, 2022 1:25 am
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hi there Kelisot! You don't see a lot of structured poetry on the site, so I'm always excited to see sonnets and the like! I'll never complain about a dash of gay angst, either.

In your author's note you mention that Jason is an aggressive guy, and I can definitely see that personality coming through in the poem! Especially in the closing couplet the strong languages conveys a lot of oomph. I'm also sensing a touch of resentment in the tone, I think? The way the narrator phrases thing like "rigged questions", "responding with a lie", "loathe", "having the last word", etc. - make me feel like he's faced a lot of biphobia in the past. But there's this "I don't give a crap what you think!" attitude coming through as well, which I love to see.

(Speaking of that strong language, works that include the f-word require the 18+ tag for language, so if you could bump the rating up to that that would be greatly appreciated!)

My favourite stanza has to be the 3rd one - I just love the sassiness that comes through in the line "The last word is me chewing gum" !! I also think this stanza is the richest in terms of imagery, with flavors + pallets both showing up as interesting metaphors for attraction to multiple genders. I also like the closing line - "I'll dance with red, purple, and blue" - I think it's a super powerful way to close the poem. (Only thing would be - doesn't the bisexual flag have pink, not red? >.>)

In terms of critiques, I don't really understand the first stanza, to be honest. What kind of rigged question are you referring to? Why would he lie?? But beyond that, I feel like you're sacrificing the flow of the poem for the sake of a rhyming scheme. Which is understandable; rhyming schemes can be tough! But if you take away line breaks and just look at the poem as a series of sentences, it should still sound natural. For example, the first stanza in sentence form is: If I ever were to encounter a rigged question to reply, it would give me a shiver and I would respond a lie. I think we can agree that that sounds pretty awkward, and a normal English sentence saying the same thing would be more along the lines of If someone asked me a question and I knew it was a trap, I would shiver with unease and dodge the answer. or something similar!

Obviously that doesn't rhyme anymore, so it would have to be changed up to rhyme again, but you should do everything you can to ensure that you don't make the sentence awkward just so it rhymes, because that kind of ruins the effect for the reader.

Overall though, I did enjoy giving this poem a read. I noticed that your lines are a bit shorter than traditional sonnet lines (10 syllables; yours average to about 7 or 9) which definitely contributes to a snappier, more modern effect and matches the tone of aggression quite nicely. I can see how Jason might murder someone in a story! <.< And I always find it intriguing when people write poems from the perspectives of characters/people other than them; I think it's a great way to stretch yourself as a poet and experiment with different voice. I hope this review proves helpful, and if I missed anything you'd like feedback on or you'd like me to elaborate on anything let me know! <3

Best,
Seirre




Kelisot says...


Thank you <33
And yes, I changed my work to 18 (I am checking the guidelines for writing again), and yes, although this is a sonnet it's pretty out of the norm.
And yes, I was either thinking of writing magenta or pink at the last line (but that might've made the poetry wonky) so I decided to do red. I only realized it a few days after posting that the bisexual flag isn't red too XD
And there's a reason the first stanza is like this-- Jason is answering a question that would exploit his sexuality (considered immoral if one was not to be heterosexual), so he responds with a lie. This sort of goes back to one of my works, Contractual Love, in which he eventually sleeps with an incubus after guilt.

However, thank you for reviewing!




cron
You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus