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16+ Language Violence

Mercury

by Kelisot


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Someone is angry. Like and review (or comment) if you enjoyed this satirical poem. By the way, sorry for publishing the story, I somehow made it unpublished while writing a front note! Only minor details in the poem has changed, and nothing more has happened!

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Let's play a fun game
A game of cards!
The loser will drink the mercury
Of Gods' Ichor.

But are you sure you will gamble away,
Will my Dear Brother gamble his life?
Fate has pre-destined the games,
You will never win against my cunning skills.

Call me a crafty serpent,
For all my words will come true.
You will perish and die slowly,
Drinking the silver ichor of the Gods.

Poets and musicians wouldn't save you,
No man will mourn the death of you.
To others, you depict as a saint,
But you are merely a sinner falsely depicted as a saint.

You are a fucked-up dog,
Fallen to the Lowest Hierarchy of Humans.
Don't come near me or speak again,
Lest I kill myself from your hoarse voice.


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589 Reviews


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Sat Aug 21, 2021 4:09 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And belated welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here!!

I enjoyed this poem! I think you've got a lot of good imagery and phrasing in it, along with the narrator's voice. They were all really well crafted, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!

One thing I really liked was how much emotion you were able to convey. Like you said in your author's note, it definitely conveyed a lot of anger. I like how you started by almost subverting that anger through bitter excitement in the "let's play a game" portion, and then moved on to seething anger and near hatred. It was a cool thing to see play out, and you executed it really well! Good job!

I also liked all the allusions and evil-conjuring items you fit in. I loved the serpent line, as biblically, serpents are considered very evil and sneaky. The ichor lines were also interesting, as ichor is usually used to refer to god's blood. I'm curious if it serves to show that the object of the poem was a person who was perhaps revered (tying in the saints line) and is now drinking their own demise. It was a very image-rich poem, and it definitely helped the poem stand out.

Specifics

To others, you depict as a saint,
But you are merely a sinner falsely depicted as a saint.


I thought that the repetition of the phrase "depict(ed) as a saint" was a bit muddled. There are some places where repetition works, but I feel like here it just seems like you couldn't find a better way to phrase the second line and just repeated what you said earlier.

Fallen to the Lowest Hierarchy of Humans


I wondered about the capitalization in this line. I wasn't sure if there was context for this poem, but this line certainly suggests that there is. By capitalizing these, it suggests the existence of an official "Hierarchy of Humans." I'm not sure if that was your intention, but I think that capitalization needs to be purposeful, especially when it's on random words. If you wanted to emphasize those words, you could perhaps use some other way of formatting them to call attention to them instead. There was also a capitalization inconsistency with "ichor" (you capitalized it in the first stanza but then when you mentioned it again, it was lowercase). Again, not sure the intention behind that, but it was something that stood out to me.

Overall: nice work! I think you did a really great job at crafting an evil yet enticing poem rich with imagery and emotion. I hope to read more of your poetry on the site soon! Until next time!




Kelisot says...


Wow!!! You did notice the fact that I have purposely capitalized letters on purpose-- yes, some of them were purposely capitalized for a reason. And thank you for the suggestions too :D



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Thu Aug 05, 2021 4:56 pm
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InuYosha wrote a review...



Hi Kelisot!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay here!

Let's play a fun game
A game of cards!
The loser will drink the mercury
Of Gods' Ichor.


I like this stanza a lot for a few reasons. 1) It's really simple. I like how you simply invite the object of the poem to play cards with a . . . pretty interesting twist. 2) It's an introductory stanza. Anything that has to do with introductions should always be simple. 3) The first stanza immediately sets it off different from some other poems that go in the more relaxing and nature-y direction.

Poets and musicians wouldn't save you,
No man will mourn the death of you.
To others you depict as a saint,
But you are merely a sinner disguising as sheep.


I really like where the poem is going! What started as a simple invitation to a game, is now becoming more of an accusational poem. The narrator is starting to insult the object.

I would have used a different metaphor than 'sinner disguising as a sheep'. Maybe 'wolf disguising as sheep' because sinners and sheep are . . . maybe not the best to use for a comparison . . .

Your style of poetry reminds me of old epics, which is pretty interesting!

You are a fucked-up dog,
Fallen to the Lowest Hieracy of Humans.
Don't come near me or speak again,
Lest I will fucking kill myself from your hoarse voice.


Your poem kind of went the direction I expected. It got angrier and angrier by the stanzas and finally, the narrator reaches the boiling point and begins to use explicit language. Although I understand you're trying to express anger, the second 'fucking' kind of ruins the rhythm in the last line. I would just use the first one at the first line and keep it at that.

Anyways, hope you were satisfied with the review!

-yosh




Kelisot says...


Thanks for the comments!! This poem was inspired by some of Catullus's poems (especially Catullus 16 lmao), and yes, this needs some editing ;-;
I kinda wrote this quickly I was busy, thanks for the suggestions.




The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats