Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And belated welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here!!
I enjoyed this poem! I think you've got a lot of good imagery and phrasing in it, along with the narrator's voice. They were all really well crafted, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
One thing I really liked was how much emotion you were able to convey. Like you said in your author's note, it definitely conveyed a lot of anger. I like how you started by almost subverting that anger through bitter excitement in the "let's play a game" portion, and then moved on to seething anger and near hatred. It was a cool thing to see play out, and you executed it really well! Good job!
I also liked all the allusions and evil-conjuring items you fit in. I loved the serpent line, as biblically, serpents are considered very evil and sneaky. The ichor lines were also interesting, as ichor is usually used to refer to god's blood. I'm curious if it serves to show that the object of the poem was a person who was perhaps revered (tying in the saints line) and is now drinking their own demise. It was a very image-rich poem, and it definitely helped the poem stand out.
Specifics
To others, you depict as a saint,
But you are merely a sinner falsely depicted as a saint.
I thought that the repetition of the phrase "depict(ed) as a saint" was a bit muddled. There are some places where repetition works, but I feel like here it just seems like you couldn't find a better way to phrase the second line and just repeated what you said earlier.
Fallen to the Lowest Hierarchy of Humans
I wondered about the capitalization in this line. I wasn't sure if there was context for this poem, but this line certainly suggests that there is. By capitalizing these, it suggests the existence of an official "Hierarchy of Humans." I'm not sure if that was your intention, but I think that capitalization needs to be purposeful, especially when it's on random words. If you wanted to emphasize those words, you could perhaps use some other way of formatting them to call attention to them instead. There was also a capitalization inconsistency with "ichor" (you capitalized it in the first stanza but then when you mentioned it again, it was lowercase). Again, not sure the intention behind that, but it was something that stood out to me.
Overall: nice work! I think you did a really great job at crafting an evil yet enticing poem rich with imagery and emotion. I hope to read more of your poetry on the site soon! Until next time!
Points: 81482
Reviews: 672
Donate