Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I apologize with the uncomfortable truth that this piece of poetry several of you have adored were to change entirely-- there were some personal reasons behind it but put simply: The Lore... has somewhat changed, and the position of revenge and the dead had changed.
During the beginning of the beginning, when someone seeks revenge, some unexpected events happen. But then, revenge doesn't always satisfy everyone, it sometimes gives burdens. If you enjoyed this Lyrical Poem, please give a like and review (or comment) on this poem.
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My hands always try to reach out,
Yet you shed Ichor from him.
The Mercury gleaming in your hand should be guilt,
Rather than your pride in killing.
You enjoy the bloodshed of Martyrs,
Their blood screams curses upon you.
You're ignorant to the warnings,
Why are you spitting upon your face?
The silvery Ichor of my Love cries out,
The screams that call for revenge.
Others have abhorred you for your actions,
Do you dare drink the Ichor of the Gods?
You may have survived the Gods,
Yet you continue sinning despite the warnings?
I can't stand the sins from you anymore,
I no longer care if my hands defiled you.
Angered with destruction and revenge,
But I shall kill you again.
Although his spirit no longer resides in the Husk,
His blades still dance.
Your flesh would be dancing in our sanguine masquerade,
You will help an Invocation to meet my love.
Your blood would be an elixir for ascending to godhood,
You were only destined to suffer the punishment of a God.
You'll be dancing with my blades and fires,
Our red and orange parade that you desired to have.
But rather than dancing with a man like you and your children,
I'll just be dancing with the dead ones.
As a pattern of this stupid Urth,
I'll be dancing with my love and swinging his spears.
When will the right time come,
The time that we'll succumb to the void and nothingness,
My love?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello! I'm Via and I'm here for a review! I haven't been on this sight for a LONG time but just bare with me. So... let's get started.
Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative
Even without the bold part in the beginning, your poem perfectly puts into place the theme. All of the emotions and themes you have are very present in the poem. Henceforth, it becomes clear and concise. I love the narrator addressing this murderer, then their own desires to avenge their loved one. Then the "my love" at the end just appeals to me for some reason.
This line is just perfect and speaks volumes for the narrator's own pain.
Language, Diction, and Style
First and foremost... WOW!!! I love your choice of vocabulary and diction in general. For a fourteen year old, you have impeccable vocabulary. Either you are an avid reader, or something else. I love the Greek Mythology reference of "Ichor", which is the fluid that runs inside the gods.
This poem is very well written regarding imagery and figurative language. I quite enjoyed the juxtaposition of the desire for vengeance of the narrator and the sins and actions to the person they are addressing. It's quite interesting.
My favorite lines were here:
This right here speaks volumes for the themes of sin, vengeance, and mythology. The "punishment of a god" idea strikes home for me. Immortality has it's perks, and takeaways. I love the word "sanguine" in particular.
The repetition of the word "sin" seems to be an ongoing theme. However, there are some cases where that word isn't necessary or should be replaced with a synonym.
For example:
Maybe look into finding new words to give more or a similar impact you desire with these lines. This just might be me being picky.
You also used the word "masquerade" twice. This might be me being picky, but perhaps a replacement for masquerade in this stanza
If dance is too simple of a word, try waltz or ballet for example. Masquerade also a bit wordy and replacing it with a word with less syllables might enhance the flow.
Just like before, you use "invocation" twice in these lines.
Invocation is a bit wordy. You can keep invocation in one of these lines and perhaps replace it a second time with something with similar meaning and keep that impact you want.
Or change the first line to make it less wordy and more rhythmic.
Like this "their blood screaming pleas and curses upon you." or get rid of invocation in that line entirely. It can do well without it.
Structure, Flow, and Rhythm
Like most young poets, including myself, rhythm and flow tend to be an issue. Don't fret, a lot of your quirks will refine overtime through taking classes, maturity and life experience, and your own development of yourself as a person.
Intricate vocabulary, like immortality, has it's pros and cons. Here, while I enjoyed most of it. Sometimes, it gets in the way of the rhythm. The following are some edits that I think will enhance the lyricism of the poem.
Like here
Reading poems out loud allow one to understand and spot rhythmic issues. Here you can change Ichor to blood, maybe get of "the" before Gods as well as do. Maybe change "selfishness" to a simpler word.
Like this "You dare drink the blood of Gods for your ego?" Or just experiment.
Enjambment is a useful and helpful technique in poetry. Sometimes though it can add breaks to the flow. For example
Maybe try to have it this way
"The silver mercury gleaming in your hand
should be guilt rather than
your pride in killing."
Or just experiment and play around with these words.
There are some other examples where you could edit your enjambment. Just read them out loud, and the fixes will just come to you.
Grammar
It's a pet peeve of mine when lines that are a part of the same sentence are all capitalized. Auto-cap is the bane of all poetry. So just take the time to fix that. "Mercury" in the third line doesn't need to be capitalized, however if you intended it that way, that's okay as well. Same can be said about the word "Ichor".
In this stanza
You can put a period at the end of the first line. It can be it's own sentence in my opinion.
Final Words
Overall, wonderful poem! I loved reading it every second. Remember that all critiques are just suggestions really. Balance out what you want to use or not use. You're very talented for your age, and I expect big things from you. With a little time and patience, I can see you becoming a professional poet, and I don't just say that to anyone.
Keep on writing! Great poem!
Thank you!! Thanks for the constructive criticism! I see that some words are repeatitive (I wrote this a time when my Brian wasn't working that well, sorry) but some of the words are purposely not to rhyme for a reason.
::Explosion sounds::
That, was the sound of my brain exploding. This makes me want to go back to writing scary stories, and oh my gosh I can't express how HAPPY this makes me right now. Are you a professional poet or something??? Hold on- just checked your my age. WOW. This is the second work of yours that I'm reviewing and I'm following you now.
You put your idea out perfectly! It makes me think of some barren aftermath war scene or something, and I love reading things that make me think of cool places! As I mentioned in my previous review, the structure is so neat and purely professional! I love this, and I can't wait to read more from you!!
Actually, it isn't really done, I accidentally published it when it should still be editing lmao.
But no, this isn't my second work, I have another one called Mercury if you don't mind reading it. And you really got the concept, this poem is supposed to reflect on the narrator's rage and getting revenge! (Afterall, it's called Vendetta for a reason)