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Alien

by KeiPie


Alien

Why do you think I'm so different?
Aren't I a human just like you?
Don't I have feelings and emotions?
I promise I have a heart too.
 
Why do you treat me like an alien?
Like someone from a far off land.
Someone to watch only and take notes.
Someone with the significance of sand.
 
Or maybe perhaps I'm important!
For studies and tests I'm great.
How far can this strange alien be pushed?
How much farther until it's spirit breaks? 
 
Does pressure lead to depression?
Does pushing lead to pain?
The results should be very interesting.
After all, this person is not the same.
 
We're so different but maybe,
you should try to understand and see.
To me you're as much of an alien,
As much as you lable me to be.


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68 Reviews


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Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:08 am
live1out2loud7 wrote a review...



Hey KeiPie! Happy reviewing day!

Firstly, I would like to say that this is a great poem. I love the subject of it, I think that most people could relate to it if only for a small time in there lives. The style in which you wrote it is really good, and the use of italicizing words is amazing! I would also like to point out that I love the use of the exclamation mark in the first line of the third stanza. It really makes that line stand out. When reading that line I thought that it was going to talk about something happy, and I love how you make it seem like a good thing first off by saying "Or maybe perhaps I'm important!". One comment I would like to make on that line, it seems redundant when you use the words maybe and perhaps right next to each other. It might flow better and make more sense if you took out one of those words or maybe even replaced it. Another part that I would like to point out to you, the first rhyme you use of you and too seems a little bit forced to me. Maybe it is just the way I'm reading it, but I thought you would like to hear my opinion even if you think it is completely wrong.

Other than those few points I don't really have much to say. The last line of the third stanza seems a little bit wordy to me. Maybe you could use 'til instead of until? I do however, like you did use the proper word, so that is really just a matter of opinion. Also, the last line of the fourth stanza also sounded a little bit long. Maybe you could use "this person's" instead of "this person is". Both of those could just be your personal style choice however, so I don't have a real issue with either of those.

This is a truly amazing poem and I enjoyed reading it very much. I love the use of the metaphor alien throughout the poem and believe that it makes the subject of the poem much much much more interesting. You did an amazing job of writing this! Keep up the good work :D




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68 Reviews


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Reviews: 68

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Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:08 am
live1out2loud7 wrote a review...



Hey KeiPie! Happy reviewing day!

Firstly, I would like to say that this is a great poem. I love the subject of it, I think that most people could relate to it if only for a small time in there lives. The style in which you wrote it is really good, and the use of italicizing words is amazing! I would also like to point out that I love the use of the exclamation mark in the first line of the third stanza. It really makes that line stand out. When reading that line I thought that it was going to talk about something happy, and I love how you make it seem like a good thing first off by saying "Or maybe perhaps I'm important!". One comment I would like to make on that line, it seems redundant when you use the words maybe and perhaps right next to each other. It might flow better and make more sense if you took out one of those words or maybe even replaced it. Another part that I would like to point out to you, the first rhyme you use of you and too seems a little bit forced to me. Maybe it is just the way I'm reading it, but I thought you would like to hear my opinion even if you think it is completely wrong.

Other than those few points I don't really have much to say. The last line of the third stanza seems a little bit wordy to me. Maybe you could use 'til instead of until? I do however, like you did use the proper word, so that is really just a matter of opinion. Also, the last line of the fourth stanza also sounded a little bit long. Maybe you could use "this person's" instead of "this person is". Both of those could just be your personal style choice however, so I don't have a real issue with either of those.

This is a truly amazing poem and I enjoyed reading it very much. I love the use of the metaphor alien throughout the poem and believe that it makes the subject of the poem much much much more interesting. You did an amazing job of writing this! Keep up the good work :D






sorry, I have no idea why that went through twice. I promise you I only pressed submit once! It only counted it as one review for me though, so not any difference. again, great job!



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Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:42 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...



I loved it. So much rythem and rhymes, plus at first glance it looks very nice because of how you formed your stanzas!Plus, the message it sends is so true.But I wish it showed me more, it's mostly just telling me stuff.Maybe if you described how the person saw the alien, that might help a bit.But I still loved the word use and your rhyme sceme.




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Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:16 pm
Cspr wrote a review...



Okay, so, Cas here to review.

First off, it's simplistic, but I can see the raw emotion in it. The imagery isn't half bad. It's similar to a bit I remember from Because of Winn-Dixie all those years ago--she left because they treated her like a bug under a microscope. I'd suggest giving your character some character, though. They're upset, but why? What is the reality of all this? It's a bunch of simile and perhaps metaphor. It has a lot of raw emotion, but no place for the reader to put it. You are supposed to feel bad for the narrator, but I'm more interested in the antagonists because I know more about them. I know how the narrators sees them. How he/she things they see him/her.

I don't know the realities of any of it. No concrete action. I suppose you're telling.

Anyway, I hope that helps with the revision process or future poems. I enjoyed it, even though it was simplistic and about a hot-button topic. We need those poems, I suppose.

Oh! And, yeah. Third stanza, fourth line--its. Last stanza, fourth line--label.

Keep writing,
Cas




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Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:57 pm
PixieStix wrote a review...



Happy review day!

Alright so I think this poem has very much potential. You're trying to tell the reader that you're just like anyone else. It's very good. The way you peiced it was good too, keeping the rhyming rythem in tune. That is a very good quality of this. To be honest, I wanted to read more!

What I liked most was the emotion. It's like you really wanted the reader to know what you were feeling, that you need someone to hear you. That'a another good quality. That you're sometimes better than other people. Just like in this stanza-

Or maybe perhaps I'm important!
For studies and tests I'm great.
How far can this strange alien be pushed?
How much farther until it's spirit breaks?


I really like this, how much emotion you've put into it. In the italics, you've added even MORE emotion, and that's great! Overall, this poem is amazing, and I don't see anything wrong with it. :D

~Katie.




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Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:34 am
yubbies21 wrote a review...



You have taken the words out of my mouth. The only problem was that I could never get my words onto paper. This piece of work right here has touched my heart as it will touch others hearts as well I'm sure.

The good points:

1. Excellent rhyme, I know it's tough to find all the right words, congratulations for that! It takes hard work and perseverance to do that. Or maybe you are just one of those people who sit down and the words flow out of their minds.

2.This reaches down deep, sometimes into deeper water that most of us would to tread in. This reaches right down and says in a simple quiet way "I'm no different that you" there is this kid at school that I would love to tell this to, but have never mustered the courage to do so. Perhaps now I have. I want to thank you for that.

The bad points:

1. I believe that the poem would flow smoother in line 16 "After all, this person is not the same." if you shortened it to "After all, this person isn't the same." Just a suggestion.




You have a true talent To be proud of. Now I must ask you a small favor. Perhaps would you let me show your poem to this kid in my class? I have a feeling that deep down inside he's hurting just as much as I am.




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Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:10 am
Epicdonkalous wrote a review...



Hey there!
The title made me click, because I thought it would be a deep poem about the oppression of immigrants. Was I surprised! I mean this in a good way. I thought that it was deep, yet it has a lightness about it, that you didn't automatically go for a really depressing, eye opening poem, that makes someone feel ashamed. I think you made people open their eyes, without the "shame" factor, that makes people feel like that are bad, instead of ignorant. I actually believe this poem could be read to a child, and be completely relatable. Overall, I thought it was great. Good job!
~Epic




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:22 pm
qaralynn wrote a review...



Hello there, KeiPei! ^^

I am here to review this very nice piece for you (obviously =D). I will try and give you a good review and hopefully it'll be useful! Excuse me if it's not. XD

Alright, I'm just going to start with saying that I really enjoyed reading this piece. The title made me immediately click the link and even though this poem isn't literally about aliens, I didn't get dissapointed at all. =)

I like the outline of this poem and it motivated me even more to read it. I couldn't find any errors in the punctuation and the capitalizing and that totally made me happy! =D
There's a good rhyme in this and I look up to you for sticking to the rhyme scheme! XD (I am really awful at keeping up with the rhyme XD).

There are two grammatical error in this but those are easy to fix! =D

How much farther until it's spirit breaks?

"It's" should be "its".

As much as you lable me to be.

"Lable" should be "label".


I really love the message of this poem and you expressed it very well. The only thing that kind of made me pause was this part:
Someone with the significance of sand.

To me it sounded a bit forced. I know you need something that rhymes with "land" but perhaps you could try another word? You don't have to change it, because it does make sense. Just a suggestion. =)

And that was all I had to say! I really loved it and great work! Thank you for sharing this and keep writing, because you really have talent.

-qaralynn-




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:57 pm
DaniDDelli wrote a review...



Your piece flowed very nicely and you have a lot talent. I like how you wrote it from the perspective of an alien and were talking in the depth reality that one would write in.





A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin