let me draw teardrops all along the page
since crying's for sissies and I cry from rage
and I can't bring myself to shed one single tear
since the ache in my heart is one none must hear
so I'll suffer alone until the emotion passes by
because it's through silence that I most easily cry
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello KeiPie, Subtle here for a review on review day! This is a fine piece of art, my friend. Truly. I can definitely relate to this poem, because every line there speaks out truthfully and powerfully. I love the rhyming in this poem, it doesn't seem forced at all. The poem flows nicely as well.
Ah, a truly wonderful opening line. I love the imagery and personification here, just stunning.However, I have to disagree with Isha there with the use of rage.
I don't think the use of rage here is forced, because in here, I think rage reflects on the anger of no one understanding how you really feel. Whether I'm right or not, I think rage is fine there.
As for everything else, I find nothing to nitpick on. I really like this poem as I can relate with it. Good job and keep on writing!
-S.s
Thank you! That's really nice for you to say. I'm glad you liked it!
Hey, KeiPie! Isha here to review.
First of all, I'd like to say that this poem is definitely one that many people will probably find very relateable, and that's always a bonus. What's written is a feeling that's very easy to identify with, and especially with today's tendency to scoff at emotion and plaster gold stars to the foreheads of the insensitive and apathetic.
However, I can't quite say that the poem itself is very original. The lines are all written out quite blandly, and there's very little (fresh) imagery involved. In poetry, imagery (as well as flow, but I don't see too many problems with that, in this case) is how you really hook your reader and drag them into your world. It's through imagery that the reader will feel what you want them to feel, or what they think you want them to feel. And here, I didn't find myself at all lured in by your imagery.
Now, I do like your first line to some extent, and the first half of the second line.
This might just be me, but I don't feel that the bolded portion of this line fits with the rest of the poem. It sticks out like a sore thumb (excuse the cliche), and just doesn't... mesh. The entire poem is about not crying, and then there's that. Aside from it not meshing, it feels like you dropped 'rage' there in a desperate attempt to rhyme with 'page.'
It might be worth a quick read-over and some modifying.
H'okay, so this is the part that made me, in all honesty, cringe a little. It's more the second line that's in the quote box than the first, but honestly, these lines just wreak of mediocrity, as far as poetry's concerned (especially amateur poetry, and most of us are amateur poets). It sounds like sucking up, and it's not even a pretty way of putting it. There's no imagery, just a sense of "woe is me." Which is fine, yes, but you want people to feel that woe with you. These lines are just too dry to call the reader to empathy.
I'd work on imagery, where they're concerned.
The last two lines, though, are actually pretty good. I liked the last line in particular, which is good, because a strong beginning and a strong close are, in my opinion, just as important as clear imagery.
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
This is very nice indeed!
I am most certainly going to read your novel after reading this, that's what I'll say.
So, onto the writing.
There are a few little things that I think you could improve on, perhaps changing:
"and I can't bring myself to shed on single tear"
maybe change the "and" to a "yet" just so that "and" doesn't repeat too often
I don't have anymore improvements to make I'm afraid, but this is a seriously brilliant poem. So full of power and emotion which I can't wait to see put into your novel! Love it! Keep it up
-CFG