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by Noelle


She walks a crowded street full of her friends
Yet she doesn’t recognize them.
The city around her burns,
The flames rising high to the sky
Taking her hopes and dreams with them.
Her body is numb
Her thoughts silent
Her mouth dry.
What can she say? For everything she does
Is taken the wrong way.

She doesn’t speak.

Is she too innocent and naïve
To live in a world such as this
Where arguments and hate
Are common ground?
Where courtesy for others
Is thrown out the window
And replaced with courtesy
Of one’s self?
Where hate among brothers
Tears at her heart?

She doesn’t belong.

She kneels in front of God at night
Praying for a change.
Praying that those around her would see their
Wronged ways.
But there is doubt among her thoughts
She does not believe in full.
Those around her have lost their way
And God cannot bring them back.
There is no room for change
For redemption.

She feels cheated.

Where is the love?
She no longer feels the rush that
Fills her heart at the sound
Of happy news.
Friends turn against friends
Leaving the ones high and dry
That care the most.
Hers have left her. Not because she
Deserved it, but because
They saw a lie in her that was never there.

She’s heartbroken.

The rest of her life she will walk
Down those crowded streets of fire
Shaking her head, wagging a finger at those
Who have been captured by the Devil.
The change will never come
She fears
Life will remain the same
And there is no hope.
Her soul will soon turn dark like the others.

She has lost herself.


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120 Reviews


Points: 8686
Reviews: 120

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Tue Sep 16, 2014 5:03 pm
Brunnera wrote a review...



Hey, Brunnera here to review on this piece of work! This poetry that most definitely deserves to be in the literary spotlight!

I'm no expert in poetry, but since every new line starts with a capital it's a bit difficult to read, especially at parts like:

"What can she say? For everything she does
Is taken the wrong way. "

" Hers have left her. Not because she
Deserved it, but because
They saw a lie in her that was never there. "

Somebody once told me the capitals in poetry are only used when it reaches a new sentence. So I'll advise setting capitals after a full stop only. A capital at each new line can, as I said earlier, confuse the reader as he/she reads.

I admire the imagery of this poem, how you describe the burning city and raging flames, how friends betray and turn against each other, how she slowly descends into the madness herself. The words are so neatly arranged they create a powerful feeling that, really, immediately absorbs the reader.

It casted a sense of hopelessness and despair over me when I read it, which is, in my opinion, exactly the effect you wanted you work to have. This was beautiful, especially the last stanza and last line.

Congrats for making it to the Literary Spotlight! :D

~Brunnera




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233 Reviews


Points: 19633
Reviews: 233

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Tue Sep 16, 2014 4:04 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Hey Noelle! I’m back to review another wonderful poem ^^ I think I’ll do this more often. So first thing I noticed right off the bat was the lack of punctuation that would’ve helped the piece flow more. Let me point out where I saw this: (I added in commas in bold)

She walks a crowded street full of her friends,
Yet she doesn’t recognize them.

See here, I noticed there was a comma that follows the line after this stanza, so I think, in order to keep consistency, you should add commas.
The city around her burns,
The flames rising high to the sky
Taking her hopes and dreams with them.

Okay you have a comma here, great! But then, I feel there should be another one after “sky” just to keep that consistent pause. Unless that was your intention, of course. But one longer pause, then two quicker pauses that follow give it a less smooth flow. I hope I make sense when I say this >.<
So just go back and look where commas could be put, if you want to take my suggestion. I don’t want to focus too much on punctuation, because it’s not super important.
Where arguments and hate
Are common ground?

These lines felt a little iffy to me. “arguments” is plural, and “hate” is plural, but not in the same form as “arguments,” so it reads weird. Also, arguments are a form of hate in a way, right? So since hate is a passion or feeling, I would either two passions, or two forms of hate. That’s not necessary, but it might read better.
Where hate and injustice
Are common ground?

Or
Where arguments and glares
Are common ground?

Only suggestions though!
She kneels in front of God at night
Praying for a change.

And I’m not saying this just because I’m a Christian, but I like how you’ve added a layer of Christianity to the poem. I can relate to this area of the poem (well, actually, all areas of the poem), and though not everyone will relate, it’s good to have some people relate to the poem.
Praying that those around her would see their
Wronged ways.

This was kind of off for me when I read it. I think “wronged” through me off XD I like the alliteration you give us, but I think it could be worded better. Also, be careful when you add the verb at the beginning of the sentence one after the other like that, because sometimes the flow will be messed up. I think you should change it to “She prays that those around her would see their wrongdoings.” It’s just, “wronged ways” sounds a little off to me. This is entirely up to you to change, however.
But there is doubt among her thoughts
She does not believe in full.

Sorry for going through this one stanza with a fine toothed comb >.< So these two lines also felt odd to me. Are they both one sentence? One thought? What does “full” mean here? Gah, just a little confused, so maybe you could clarify that for me.
There is no room for change
For redemption.

Here would be a good time to add another a comma after change, or even a semicolon. This repetition you have is fine, as I notice it a lot in the poem, but there should be punctuation to follow, or else the flow will be weird and everything feels jumbled.
Where is the love?

Image
I couldn’t help it >.<
The rest of her life she will walk
Down those crowded streets of fire
Shaking her head, wagging a finger at those
Who have been captured by the Devil.
The change will never come
She fears
Life will remain the same
And there is no hope.
Her soul will soon turn dark like the others

There are three forms of punctuation used here. COMMAS, NOELLE MY DEAR. ;)
So this was very well done. I like the imagery, but I will say this. The lack of punctuation took away from the poem tremendously :( I loved the concept but I, being a punctuation freak, was distracted a little by the lack of commas. A lot of the lines could’ve been separated by commas for a neater poem. Now, if you intended this for a shakier, less flow-y flow, I totally understand. But I think you could go back and add a little more punctuation. ^^
Overall, well done! The ending is sad though. I hope it isn’t based on what you’re feeling! Stay strong. Hope to see more from you ;)




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240 Reviews


Points: 279
Reviews: 240

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Tue Sep 16, 2014 3:09 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, KatyaElefant here for another review. I'm in life skills class right now and so I decided to review something because I have no homework and I don't wanna talk to anyone in my class. Anyways, let's see what we have right here...

I really wish that you had made all the one lined stanzas starting with she because that repetition(excuse my spelling through out this review) really makes the piece special and I think it would sound better in that way. If you could find a way to transition that phrase without using so, that would be great. Also when you have the phrase, " What can she say? For everything she does" I would advise that you put these into seperate lines, making it more organized.

How can I say that this piece has errors? How???? This piece is perfect in spelling and grammar. The theme is amazing and I can totally relate to this piece. Any normal, human girl can relate to this. Your organization is really nice, creating most of the effect that are needed in a piece. I might even offer for you to change the name to the transformation of Miley Cyrus. Overall, great job. I think that you described everything the correct way. Keep calm and keep writing! :3





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
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