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♛Rise of Northwind: Chapter II♛

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Northwind heard an obvious rustle from the foliage nearby. He tensed involuntarily, tail erect. "Whomever befalls my gaze, proceed." The phrase felt familiar to him; a piece of his past that he carried with pride. It was a common greeting to shy or new wolves in the Heavens. A broad shouldered, chocolate furred male with a flame emblem on his pelt and amber eyes scrutinized him warily. The loner's odd speech puzzled the alpha male. Flecks of white dotted the wolf's pelt, and tan splotches as well as a pure white stripe running down his muzzle.


"Your name?" the alpha male called, straightening his posture. Northwind narrowed his eyes skeptically, then hesitantly unfolded his crystalline wings.


"Northwind." The alpha male was awe-stricken, though he tried not to submit to Northwind's glory, and instead cast his sight elsewhere.


"Heaven-sent." he murmured, feeling insecure under Northwind's sight.


"Yes, I am. Though honestly I am no different than you." Though Northwind knew he was lying to himself; he had powers like no other.


"Are you in search for a pack?" Northwind recalled Sayble mentioning a foreign word: pack.
"Err, yes." he brusquely replied, than added: "And your name?" The male dipped his head, and said he was named Alpha. Northwind found the name strange, nonetheless he kept his muzzle shut as Alpha led the way. Often Northwind would pause, lured by the scent of a fleeting rabbit, but rejected, for he knew the outcome. Rough gravel poked his paw pads, and he grimaced at each step. Finally Alpha halted, his eyes bright and tail curled, though Northwind's tail swung like a pendulum.


"This is Howling Heir territory. Come, and I will show you the base." Autumn trees encircled the path, and some of it seperated into dens. The expanse of territory led to an oval section with sunning rocks and various herb storages. A she-wolf lay on one of the rocks, eyes closed. "Howling Heir pack, please gather!" A swarm of wolves answered his call. Unnerved, Northwind kneaded his claws in the dirt in anticipation. Their gazes were searching, puzzled.


"A new wolf has crossed our territory. Northwind, may you..?" He understood, and expanded his wings.


"Northwind, son of Midst," he said the last part in a lower baritone, "Heaven-sent." Alpha's jaw opened, as if to say something.


"Midst..." the she-wolf he had seen dozing off earlier murmured, her eyes clouding over slightly. She had a cream pelt with black splotches and a large patch of white fur on her flank.


"Are you Kraken?" Northwind now remembered vividly of his mother describing his grandmother's fur pelt.


"Yes." She gave him a swift lick on the shoulder, as if to reassure him it were true. Northwind looked at the wolves around him in a new perspective. A male with a colorful pelt shouldered his way through and stood by Kraken, flicking an ear back in acknowledgement. It looked as though his fur was a canvas, and paint had been flung carelessly upon him.


Another she-wolf stepped forward, with a light brown coat and gold eyes. She narrowed her eyes, clearly skeptical and was not afraid to show it. "Dawn." She stepped away slightly to make room for a grey wolf with stripes with amber eyes; it seemed as though dark pools of pure gold swirled hypnotically as she looked him over. "Alikaish, Heiress." Northwind cocked his head, ears perking forward as if he were a dog. Heiress? Though he dared not question it, for the name seemed to carry a heavy power.


Two males in the back were whispering under their breath; they looked as if they were related. The black male grinned wolfishly, perhaps at a joke. Kraken's mate turned his head to look at the pair and snorted at their rude demeanor. "The black one is Tobaius, and the other with the brown muzzle and paws is Shofar. Oh, and I forgot to introduce myself. I am Byzantine." Shofar's head shot up at the mention of his name, then in an embarrassed fashion shuffled his paws. Kraken decided to speak up and interrupt. The utter silence used to be tranquil, but now it was only awkward.

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steampowered
Review

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

I’m really enjoying reading this story, and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next. Unfortunately most of this review is going to be nitpicks, since I can’t find a lot else wrong with it…

Firstly, I feel like while the content’s good, the actual delivery can be a little bit disjointed and hard to understand. For example:

The beta female of Dark Infinity, Akrep, paced in her alpha female's den.


Personally, I think this could be improved by saying, “Akrep, the beta female of Dark Infinity, paced in her alpha female’s den.”

(I really liked that first sentence, by the way. It made me wonder what Akrep was doing in the alpha female’s den, and why. Was it a grab for power, Akrep nosing around, or had something happened to the alpha female?) I was a little confused by what had happened to Axilias. Since Akrep’s claws were “crimson-stained” and she was acting a little shiftily, it made me think that she might have killed her rival, but I wasn’t sure.

Her revenge would be sweet, and she would vow to make sure of that.


Again, this is more a delivery issue than anything else. How about, “She vowed that her revenge would be sweet” or “Her revenge would be sweet, and she would make sure of that”?

"Axilias promised she would be hear by dusk," The beta female gestured crudely to the darkening sky with a paw, "and that promise was broken."


It should be “here” rather than “hear”. Also, it might be better if you put a full stop (period) after the first sentence, and turn the beta female’s action into something that’s independent of the speech. So maybe something like:

"Axilias promised she would be here by dusk." The beta female gestured crudely to the darkening sky with a paw. "And that promise was broken."


Also, this might be silly, but I can’t imagine a wolf pointing up at the sky. I’d have thought she’d rely more on head gestures and nods, since it’s probably physically quite difficult to point. But I’m not an expert. :P

"Eve, Kazec, and Kemedo, please report to me!" she said with a snappy tone. Instantly the young deltas sprinted off from whatever tasks they were doing to answer the she-wolf's demanding call.


Just a little thing, but is it necessary to say “demanding”? I’d have thought it could be inferred from her “snappy tone”.

Rogue wolves usually invaded their territory.


Is “usually” a good word? I personally feel that “often” would be better here, but it’s up to you. :)

He was nescient of her exasperated calls.


I don’t know what this word means and I don’t suppose the readers will know either. Also, my spellchecker in MS Word underlines it in red, so it’s possible you spelt it wrong. Consider trying to find another word? :)

"It seems like you have already dealt with this creature." he grunted.


Comma after the speech, not a period. Remember, “he grunted” is a speech tag.

Before she could respond, the alpha male bounded over to the eastern side of the territory, freshening the scent marks.

"So, you weak thing," she snarled, "what shall I do with you?" The beta female paced around the rogue's body. Akrep grabbed his scruff with her jagged fangs and dragged him into the borderlines of their territory. His ear flicked back, and the amused tone she hated so much filled her ears.


I found this paragraph generally confusing, since I had no idea what was going on. You refer to the “alpha male” but then suddenly you’re back to Akrep without saying that much, and then I wasn’t sure (though I suspected) it was the rogue she was grabbing.

Overall, I’d say the biggest thing here that needs to be worked on is the way it’s written, rather than the contents of the story, since I couldn’t see any obvious plot errors. I found it confusing that you mentioned Axilias and Akrep, which I got muddled up. Generally, it’s best not to introduce characters with names that are too similar, in the same paragraph.

However, I liked Akrep and found her an interesting (if not a hugely LIKEABLE likeable) character. I’d definitely enjoy reading more about her!

Hopefully this review helped, and keep on writing! Feel free to let me know when the next chapter’s up. :D

Thank you! Helped me quite a bit. Quite understandable because I wrote it in about fifteen, twenty minutes or so.

Hello! here to give i quick review.

The story is really good, it got my attention right away! But towards the end I got a bit confused. I had to re-read the last 4 paragraphs to fully understand it. Maybe if you made it more clear on which character you have talking or are talking about at the time it would make more sense. Your wording is just a bit awkward at some points so just try to make it flow more.

Just some tips.

Sophie <3



What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice