"Each dozen years you shall be rebirthed in twelve cycles. Anger, Fear, Loyalty, Ambition, Kindness, Selfish, Demanding, Selfless, Calm, Inquisitive, Charming, and Restraint. Each aspect of your personality." And with that Sayble cast him down, his wings like an immense shield from the buffeting wind, azure eyes shut against the unwelcoming draft. What is my reason? My cause for being here? In the Heavens, Northwind served as a guide. Meddlesome pups would often approach him, their new eyes alight with playful flame, and puzzled newcomers. Once a wolf died, they are sent to the Heavens, and chose if they wanted to be young or elderly.
No doubt most of them yearned to be young. Northwind himself is a Heaven-sent wolf, also known as a wolf born in Heaven. All heaven-sent wolves were born with wings, and often they came with curses. And his, of all unlucky fates, was Bloodlust. It is activated by the scent of blood, causing crimson to seep into his hues and his actions unpredictable. Or at least that's what Sayble told him. Now I am just a fallen angel, he thought smugly. The terrain was seemingly closer each minute, and he expanded his wings.
However his thoughts strayed, and at the last moment he became suspended in air, then ungracefully dropped to the cold dirt. Streaks of violet, indigo, and peach were strewn across the sky, an alluring display of pre-dawn. "So this is what Gaia looks like," he mused. Otfen the dead would share tales; of the bright sky and the chilly wind, the thrill of chasing prey and the sense of victory as they sunk their incisors into the rabbit's flesh. Though never actually experiencing what they described made him think of a dull, black and white landscape full of warfare. Northwind automatically assumed his entire life that newcomers lied, trying to impress him with stories of false grandeur.
Although now he doubted his own opinions. Himself, even. And in a heartbeat his past beliefs were wiped away into oblivion. Northwind got to his paws, digging his ivory claws into the rough ground for support. He was curious about Bloodlust, his everlasting curse. Would it be a veiled blessing, or demonspawn? That inquiry itself dared him to hunt, and so he opened his maw. Luxurious scents of elk and fox beckoned him, and he began to pinpoint the elk. Northwind weaved through swaying grass and reeds, his lithe form cloaking his presence. A large male lifted his broad neck, his tan ears craning back.
At that very moment Northwind lunged, his gleaming fangs embedding themselves into the vulnerable flesh, and crimson stained his black pelt. The elk began to buck wildly, and at the taste of blood Northwind's hues widened in utter delight. Unworldly senses overlapped his own, and he could still feel the pounding of his heart and the adrenaline working its way through his bloodstream. He released the unleashed power on the elk, and eventually it lay still. Northwind loomed over the creature, and with a spark of desire he consumed the elk, leaving the rest for scavengers.
His lip curled in satisfaction as he gazed upon the red that stained his flank, and a low snarl escaped his muzzle as an irritating pounding infiltrated his head. A great yearning for power tugged on him, as if he were a puppet, and he nearly stumbled as his paws guided him. For twelve days he traveled through canyons and woodlands and moors. One day he halted on a leaf-strewn path, brightly colored leaves hinting at Spring's arrival. Long ago the Bloodlust had receded, and now he gazed upon the landscape, awe making his tail lash eagerly.
Upturned dirt created the path he stood on now, and thin trees with emerald leaves hung over the path, protecting Northwind from the sun's glare. He lifted his muzzle towards the sky, and a howl of glory drifted through the forest, and birdsong erupted around him. Far away, among the thickest brambles and intertwining oaks, a wolf heard his howl. Compelled at the thought of another wolf to join his pack, the male tracked the other wolf down, birdsong guiding his every pawstep.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello, Aleta here for a review! First of all, can I just say that I love the little crowns you put on the title? They really drew my attention to this work… *coughs and moves on to the actual story*
The cave was dead silent, except for the resounding booms against the wood logs.
I really like this opening; it creates a real sense of mystery. However, if you’re going for a kind of otherworldly fantasy-y kind of ambience, you might want to avoid modern slang such as “dead”. How about “The cave was as silent as a tomb” or “The cave was utterly / completely silent”? Just a suggestion.
I knew in my concious that I must sacrifice my life just to fortell one vision of our awaiting doom.
It should be conscious, and foretell.
I hang my head low and block out the wolves trying to enter from the outside, flatten my ears, lift up my head, and howl in mourn.
Shouldn’t that be “mourning”? Also, your tenses are kind of all over the place here. You need to make sure it’s either all present tense or all past tense. So if you wanted past tense, “hang” would need to be changed to “hung”, “block” to “blocked” and so on.
Two packs collide behind my view. I turn. I glimpse. I see both packs falling. Destruction, death...it would do no good for either packs. Bloodshed was not an option. Than I see Xeno, alpha male, howling to the sky in grief of his lost alpha female. And than their pup comes sprinting from the bushes, yowling with fear, anger, and grief.
Hmm, would this have more impact if it was split up so this formed a new paragraph and then perhaps you had a paragraph every time you were trying to achieve a dramatic effect? For example:
Two packs collide behind my view.
I turn.
I glimpse.
I see both packs falling.
Destruction, death...it would do no good for either packs.
Bloodshed was not an option.
Than I see Xeno, alpha male, howling to the sky in grief of his lost alpha female. And than their pup comes sprinting from the bushes, yowling with fear, anger, and grief.
"NO!" he yells, his sable fur coat blending with his mother's.
This bit surprised me. I kind of thought the wolves would talk, but I can’t imagine a wolf “yelling”…
I wake up gasping from the vision, and find myself face to face with a tawny she-wolf that held me pinned. My first reaction was to act prideful and bored with her, pretending I was much more powerful.
This kind of loses its impact because it’s too fast paced here. Maybe slow it down a little, draw it out to make it more dramatic, otherwise a fast reader might skip this by accident and have to go back to see what they missed.
Of course they trapped me in.
Should that be, “Of course they trapped me”? Just a thought.
Overall I found this really interesting, and I’d definitely like to read more. I’m particularly intrigued to know if Sepentine knows the she-wolf and why the she-wolf is after her (is it a her? I’m actually not sure…)
The main thing I would say is to check on the tenses, and maybe split some of the sentences up so it has more of an impact. Apart from that it’s a great idea, and if you upload any more feel free to let me know!
Hi, Lordoflit here,
What a mystical and mythical start! I can already see that this story is going to be action packed and very fast paced, I can't wait for more!
The language in this story is very interesting indeed, it looks almost like a cross between Norse and Latin, which is a brilliant combination in my opinion. Also I love the historical context of medical shamans you have included, you have obviously done your research, good job!
There's just a few points for improvement:
'stomache' should be spelt like this 'stomach'.
'Than I see' does not make sense, it should be 'then I see' as 'than' is a proportional word, and then is a time preposition.
But anyway, this is a great start and i am very intrigued by this, I am really anticipating the next exciting and fast paced chapter!
LordofLit101
I actually haven't done my research, but I probably should! Thanks for the review.
Hello, steampowered here for a review! First of all, can I just say that I love the little crowns you put on the title? They really drew my attention to this work… *coughs and moves on to the actual story*
I really like this opening; it creates a real sense of mystery. However, if you’re going for a kind of otherworldly fantasy-y kind of ambience, you might want to avoid modern slang such as “dead”. How about “The cave was as silent as a tomb” or “The cave was utterly / completely silent”? Just a suggestion.
It should be conscious, and foretell.
Shouldn’t that be “mourning”? Also, your tenses are kind of all over the place here. You need to make sure it’s either all present tense or all past tense. So if you wanted past tense, “hang” would need to be changed to “hung”, “block” to “blocked” and so on.
Hmm, would this have more impact if it was split up so this formed a new paragraph and then perhaps you had a paragraph every time you were trying to achieve a dramatic effect? For example:
This bit surprised me. I kind of thought the wolves would talk, but I can’t imagine a wolf “yelling”…
This kind of loses its impact because it’s too fast paced here. Maybe slow it down a little, draw it out to make it more dramatic, otherwise a fast reader might skip this by accident and have to go back to see what they missed.
Should that be, “Of course they trapped me”? Just a thought.
Overall I found this really interesting, and I’d definitely like to read more. I’m particularly intrigued to know if Sepentine knows the she-wolf and why the she-wolf is after her (is it a her? I’m actually not sure…)
The main thing I would say is to check on the tenses, and maybe split some of the sentences up so it has more of an impact. Apart from that it’s a great idea, and if you upload any more feel free to let me know!
wow this is very good. I loved the way you made it into an animals point of view. I always enjoy reading these type of books and find them satisfying. You did a great job and should really keep writing this. I wanna know what happens next! Does Sepentine escape? What did Sepentine do that was so bad? I need to know haha. keep being yourself and do what you do. Keep your imagination alive and wild young creator!