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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey, Sammy here. This little story was interesting, I liked the way you added a touch of mystery and darkness into it, perfect!
The little swirly symbols in the first two paragraphs were really interesting, I don't why you put them in, but they added a nice touch to the mysterious tone. And the way you wrote "The Pack" was perfect, is it Greek? Anyway, there really isn't much to say for this one expect for the word "borne" is suppose to be "born" and "fromt" is suppose to be "from". Don't worry, common spelling mistakes- I sometimes do that too on the computer. XD
In the sentence "He was excited to meet her--almost in a greedy way--and a year later they bred, and so a new heir of darkness arose fromt the depths." I think you should separate the sentence in the end to add more of a mysterious "feel" to it. Maybe do this- "He was excited to meet her--almost in a greedy way--and a year later, they bred. They bed a new heir of darkness that will arose from the depths." (Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm kinda suck at these kind of stuff.)
Anyway, the story was great and I hope you continue on with a sequel to this, that would be cool!
Hm. Very... interesting.
Maybe this is why people don't hang around you...
Shut up...
Continuing on.
You should also know he is VERY socially awkward.
...Did I not tell you to shut up?
Anyway...
So wait, did she scavenge for weeks... or months? Maybe you should rephrase that sentence into something like.
"Luna wasn't sure how long she scavenged for. It might've been weeks, months even." Idk. Don't take my advice. I'm not exactly the best writer in the world.
So... he is a brownish-yellow, or yellowish-brown? I don't think he can be both... I mean. You could... but you should've put more description if he is...
And that's all my tiny brain could find wrong with your, errr, story? I'm not sure if I want this to be a story though (I'm not trying to offend you in any way). Well, it's more of, I don't know if you CAN. I think sticking with making this a game.
But anyway, I think I should go now. Because... I am actually VERY socially awkward. Mainly because not many people are interested in what I'm interested in so I can't really talk to them about anything.
So, bye!
ThePhoenix has signed off.