Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter Two-
“You two, get back to work!” One of the officers scowled, standing right behind them as they continued to shovel the dirt into the bag.
“Come find me during lunch break, alright?” Jay whispered to Ledan as he walked away from him. Ledan only stared Jay’s back while he was walking away. Ledan sighed softly, shoveling up the last of the dirt. Ledan dropped the shovel on the ground, wiping the sweat of his face and neck with the small towel they have given him. He stared up the bright sky, clenching the towel tightly in his hand. “This is…” He paused for a second.
“…Total bullshit!” He threw the towel on the ground, panting heavily from his scream.
“Is there a problem here, Mr. Ledan?” The officer stood before him, having his black bat ready in hand. Ledan looked at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with the officer.
“Ah… no.” Ledan picked up his shovel and towel, walking past the officer. As he headed towards the door, he placed the shovel into the pile of shovels that were just lying there on the ground. He went inside the building, unzipping the top of his orange jumpsuit, only showing his bare chest. “It’s too fucking hot…”
He sighed once again, walking to where the cafeteria was. As he headed inside the cafeteria, he noticed there were more prisoners here than there were last week. Ledan walked up to where the food line was, grabbing a tray in the process. He glared up at the prisoners who were in charge of cooking for the week. When one of the cooks placed the plate of food on his tray, he glared at it: Dry chicken wings, mushy mashed potatoes, and two slices of bread. “Great…” He headed straight to the tables. He observed every table, looking for Jay.
“Hey! Ledan!”
Ledan turned to where the voice was coming from. He noticed Jay waving at him, motioning him to come to where he was sitting. He sat across from Jay, noticing two other people sitting right next to Jay.
Jay smiled as he pointed to the person on the right of him.
“Let me introduce you. This is Tarriem.” Then he pointed to his left. “This is Inna. Guys, this is Ledan.”
“Nice to meet ya!” Tarriem smiled big at Ledan, extending his hand out towards him. Ledan gently grabbed his hand, shaking it up and down, using the proper greeting. He then looked at Inna, who seemed uninterested in the whole situation. Inna nodded her head on Ledan, then looked in the opposite direction.
“These guys are going to help us with your situation, Ledan.” Jay patted Ledan’s head softly.
Ledan nodded then smiled slightly. “Thanks…”
“Ah… you finally smiled.”
Ledan looked at Jay surprisingly. It has been a long time since I last smiled…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,609 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
So, I'm here again. To reading then!
So Ledan has been here for a week. And to just know Jay today? It would be better if there is a tale of his reputation or something that makes him stand out amongst the crowd, maybe bad rumours about him that were;t true. A pre-introduction.
It is interesting to see the conflict happening in Ledan. He is torn away apart by the unjust way the law does, yet he dare not defy the same law.
Chicken wings?! some shed potato and bread He's having a better life than most prisoners.
"Let me introduce you." I think some rephrasing is needed somewhere.
Since I last smiled.. I see that in your novel, the smiles that are selling are quite a high price. Hrmm, I understand it. It quite a hard to smile at a situation like this.
Hey there. Been a while, but I'm back to review the remaining chapters! Okay, I'll get started.
I like how I get to know a bit more about life in his prison, with the shoveling, cooking duties, and all. I also appreciate how you let us into Ledan's thoughts a bit more - annoyed, hopeful, and perhaps a tiny bit happy, given the last part. Jay seems like a pretty good guy too, like he's someone he could run off to in case he were in trouble. Hopefully, this won't be some sort of facade of his. I'd be sad if that were the case, maybe a little angry with the character even.
Now, onto corrections! I've only read a few of the previous reviews, so please forgive me if I repeated anything that's already been said before.
I think you could've placed a comma between "two" and "get".
The "at the two" at the first half didn't seem all too necessary, considering the next half states that the officer was behind them, meaning they were the ones he was addressing.
There seems to be a missing word here. I think it's "he" after the comma and before "noticed".
Well, I think that's about it. Good chapter!
It's been a while since my last review, and I return to post another review on le novel I have adopted x3
I liked how in this story you've given me a glimpse into the condition of prison life, and a bit more of Ledan's character. With each chapter, I take a deep liking for Ledan, which is good news xD
I shall continue with nit-picks:
" “Come find me during lunch break, alright?” Jay whispered to Ledan as he walked away from him. Ledan only stared Jay’s back while he was walking away. Ledan sighed softly, shoveling up the last of the dirt. Ledan dropped the shovel on the ground, wiping the sweat of his face and neck with the small towel they have given him. He stared up the bright sky, clenching the towel tightly in his hand. “This is…” He paused for a second. "
Paragraphs, paragraphs! It was especially hard to read, this one. Besides that, nearing the ending, where Ledan starts to speak, the word "He" is capitalized, but that's a common error. It should be "he", same thing goes for the following paragraph, where he continues his sentence.
I'd like a better introduction to the cafeteria. It was way too general, how you have described it. How about adding it the smell? Something like "the sour stench of sweat and steam forced its way into Ledan's nostrils" or of the sort. It's interesting, isn't it?
I like the quick friendship bond between Ledan and Jay, and the unique names of Jay's companions, but learning that Inna is a woman confuses me to a certain extent. It is a prison, is it not? The prison does not mix the females with the males for safety reasons. Since this is registered under 'Realistic', every fact is very important.
Anyway, I enjoyed the chapter and the interesting way you have ended it. For some reason you always have your own sassy way of ending chapters. I like that.
I will review on your next chapter as soon as I can!
~Brunnera
Yo!
What I liked about this chapter was that more was revealed about what life is like inside the prison, and another character is here. You always seem to put an interesting ending on each of your chapters so good job. Also, I feel like you're beginning to give your characters some more dimensions which is good.
Generally, your writing is really good, however there are some instances in this, and previous chapters, when the writing doesn't flow very well. I think a good way to spot these is to read it out loud, and hear what the words sound like.
I think these two sentences would sounds better like this. ^^
This was kind of an issue in previous chapters, but I didn't feel to mention it because I thought as the story went on, I'd see more of it, however I haven't. Basically, I feel like I don't really know your characters very well, especially Laden. You kind of threw him into this story, and it's like he didn't have a life before it. What was his job before? Who did he used to live with? Did he have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Etc. Also think about answering those questions for the other people in jail that you've introduced so far. Also, general character traits should be shown in the dialogue, the thing about him smiling for the first time was a good start. But eve then, that was a bit confusing, is he just accepting his fate as a prisoner, even if he believes he didn't commit the crime?
Also, descriptions! There are hardly any, I want to know what the jail looks like, feels like, smells like, what are the sounds? Thinking about the five senses when describing a place is good because then the reader really has a feel for the place and the atmosphere of it all. Without descriptions, it's hard to understand the story, and also feel empathy for the people in jail because we don't know what they're going through.
All in all, I am really enjoying this story so far. However, each chapter seems to be rather short, mainly due to a lack of description. You've got loads of dialogue, now try and think of describing places. As always, I hope this helped and feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hi, J. C. her for a review!
First off, I note with excitement, that I'm in your book!
In the first sentence there should be an "at" after "stared."
Starting a sentence with the same word, or concept, as the last one or the one before, or even one in the same paragraph, is almost always a bad thing. Repetition in this sense only serves to bore the reader.
Once again with the usage of the same word(s). It's not that big if an issue, though, and I feel that this has a lot of potential. I enjoyed reading it, and while it is a bit reminiscent of Holes, it's still an interesting story thus far.
Thank you Kanome!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
xD I noticed your name is in my story. Haaaaa..
Ooooh, I love drama! I felt the frustration and anger from Ledan. If I was in his shoes I would've said something, probably like. 'Yeah I have a ******* problem, you dammit! It's too damn hot and this is hard work! Hit me if you'd like but it won't help you pull that huge tree out your ***'
I tried being humorous with that, but failed miserably.
I loved it. I hope to read more and really engage into the story as I have now.
Also how long have you been writing? I've been writing four years and yet I can't accomplish what you have. It takes talent to write something as grappling as this.
I love how you did this, not too complex. No fancy wording but definitely interesting .
Love it, I want to read more. Keep writing!
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader