Jay Harrison
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,172 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Going to give your character a review then. I think that posting detailed characters and descriptions for stories when you are unsure about a character or need feedback on them before you begin is actually a good idea, and that way you can get good feedback on them the way you would for a work.
As I was reading this, one thing in particular caught my attention, and that was the two parts of this line:
Now when I saw the first part about him having a 'dark' side and not 'trigger' it, all my character alarm bells went wild. Honestly, we are all sick of these dark side wannabies, and I am still a little worried about it, but I'll get back to it later, because the second part of this statement is what interested me.
Play your cards right and this could be an effective idea, very effective actually. If you have a guy or some other guys who think there is this dark side, but then more down to earth characters see him as the wannabie/idiot that is really associated with 'dark sides' you could get through this comedy well, and give the gag some good edge, as long as the reader is aware its supposed to be ridiculous, and so they don't think you are ridiculous.
No offence but this category smells of cliché lameness. The maternal pendant. The dark side breaking lose. Its just.... just.... roll my eyes. Just..... yeah, I think you can think of something more though than that, I don't think there needs to be any dark side breaking lose at all because all that screams at me is "Look at this character he is cool and he's cool because he has a dark side you better think he's cool and dark and bad or else and he's also cool because he has a soft spot for his mother" that's the impression I get, so unless you have some extremely comedic purposely retarded thing going, its not going to work for originality.
Last thoughts:
(These are entirely my opinion and is not really part of the review)
Gregor: Love that name.
Jay: Its okay, I like it, but seems like a 'cool' name.
Elsa: I hate this name to hell, please kill this character.
How do you review these! *throws arms up in air*
I'd hate to see his dark side. After all, he is charged for robbery, theft, graffiti, and kidnapping. Murder would probably be next. Possibly rape. Who knows at this point. Well, you do, but we don't know what all is in your head.
Why is the time for a possible kidnapping on his record? It is innocent until proven guilty. Nowadays, it's guilty until proven innocent. You'd think they are the same, but they really aren't.
If he is so happy, why'd he start doing drugs and alcohol? Usually people who are sad and want to escape do that.
Well, keep writing!
-lost
Aaah.. I don't know how you review character profiles xD but anywho, he has a split personality. I should've put that, huh? Lol. Sorry about that.
Hello, love
.
.
. How is his mother's illness unknown? What are his weaknesses? Does he still do drugs and drink? Is he addicted to said drugs? How much jail time is he serving? Any past love interests?
Aurora here with a quick review for you
Alright, let's get started. A little grammatical error I noticed: In the story, however, his ‘dark’ side is more of a comical gag throughout the whole story.
A little repetitive, if you ask me
Alright. Again, I don't need to know the answers to these questions. Just make sure you do
You say that it's unknown why he committed crimes. But you still need to know so that you can layer his character
That's all I have for you, love.
Looking forward to reading the next chapter of LWR.
Aurora
Thank you for the review. For you questions, they will be answered in the story. I was trying not to give away too much information in here because I want the readers to find out while reading LWR.
Haha. Again... only you need to know the answers. Don't bother telling me
Okay xD I am about to write the next chapter of LWR.
Don't post it yet! There's so much in the GR!
Okays. I'll post it later on tonight c: