Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter Three -
Ledan was still smiling, thinking about when was the last time he actually smiled. He remembered the last time he smiled is when he was in the sixth grade.
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During the sixth grade, Ledan was forced to go to counseling every day before and after school. His counselor, Ms. Frescan, has always been there for him. She never thought about Ledan as another student, but as a precious son, since she never had any children of her own.
In the mornings before school started, Ledan would come in, eating a fresh-baked donuts that his counselor makes for all the students who see her. He loved the fluffiness of each donut. His favorite, the glazed with blueberry filling had a certain sweetness to it that he savored the taste in each bite.
“Good morning, Ledan. How’s the donut today?” Ms. Frescan smiled at Ledan as she sat at her desk slowly.
Ledan was sitting in the chair, across from her, eating his favorite delicacy. “It’s good…”
“So… how was home this morning, Ledan?”
Ledan sat there silently, avoiding eye contact with her.
“Another fight…?”
Ledan nodded at her question, holding the half-eaten donut in his hands. “My mother… called me names that… sounded wrong to even say to a child.” He kept on his story of how his mother called him a worthless piece of shit that should never exist on this Earth. He even explained how he was the blame for ruining their dreams. His father, however, resisted on trying to physically abuse him, since he knew Ledan was going to counseling.
“I see that your father didn’t do anything to you…”
“He didn’t want child services coming…”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call them, Led-..”
“DON’T!” Ledan screamed from the top of his lung, tearing falling down upon his cheeks. He knew that if his only friend called child services, his parents would probably do something even worse to him. Ledan felt scared out of his mind. He didn’t know what to do, or what to say.
“I… I can handle it.” Ledan looked up at Ms. Frescan, who was hugging his head gently, trying to comfort him. He closed his eyes slowly, enjoying the comfort of his only friend. For the first time in his life, he smiled. He smiled, knowing that there was someone out there who truly cared for him.
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“Hey, Ledan.”
Ledan looked at the person who called out to him. Jay was standing there, glaring at him and feeling confused. “You alright?”
Ledan kept looking at Jay, smiling slightly once again. “Yeah… I was just… thinking about my past.”
He kept smiling, thinking about his only friend and counselor, Ms. Frescan.
End of chapter
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137,438 Literary Works • 672,025 Reviews
Hey Kanome! Danni here for a review! I am going through these chapters in a very strange order for some reason O.o
Errrr.... doesn't he have two lungs?
You're mixing up your tenses. Change 'is' to 'was'.
Simple typo, change 'donuts' to 'donut'.
You use ellipses too much in your dialogue. Practically every spoken line has one.
You definitely don't need the ellipsis here. The hyphen does the job fine.
In the first paragraph, you use the word 'smile' way too many times. In the last sentence you don't need to write 'the last time he smiled' again as it was already done in the previous sentence. I would suggest changing the paragraph to:
Overall, I really liked this! A nice little view into Ledan's past. I already like Ms. Frescan! Keep up the good work, and hope this helps!
Danni x
Unconsciously at chapter three! So, here again for a review. More like I want to know what will happen next.
tearing falling down upon the cheeks. It should be tears falling down / tearing up.
OHHH, I'm liking this Ms Frescan fella.
But is there any situation that supports this "treated as a precious son,' by the counsellor? Because it's a telling and not showing. If it was shown by giving doughnut to him, but she bakes for all the students that visited her. If it was how she hold Legan head in her hands and let him cry and hugging him. That is more of a counsellor/kind person instinct. So before she asked what happens at home, or, something of a further to show why Ledan is the precious son and not others.
Overall, there is not much error in this chapter. It's a dialogue between the only bright(white area character)since the starting of the novel. The ending, the bittersweet memory. The feeling of he losing what was simple and straightforward and will be forever gone has not hit him yet...
Back again. I like how this chapter is all about Ledan's past. This'll help in making me feel for him more, especially seeing that there seemed to only be one person who really did care for him when he was young. It's cute and sort of sad that he wouldn't let her do anything for him, given his situation. He wants to keep her, and she wants to be there for him, and the only solution that seemed available at that point was to keep quiet and put up with his home life. Still though, I think if he let her call and let her do what she thought was best, things may have turned out better, and he may not be in jail at this point. There may have been hope for him. I really wonder if she's looking for him, or would visit him one day, should Ledan's case have reached her ears, considering how close they were. Now I wonder, will you let us into Jay's past as well? That would also be interesting to read about.
As for corrections, there's nothing I can say about that now. Brunnera pretty much pointed out what needs to be corrected, so you should refer to her review once you go back and edit this chapter. Good luck and keep writing!
Hey, Kanome! :3 I'm here to review on your work!
I love the look into Ledan's past. Finally, it gives us a glimpse into his childhood, of how his parents behave, of how he used to be back when he was young. I enjoyed this short and sweet chapter of friendship between him and the woman he can consider as his other mother.
There were multiple errors throughout the chapter. I'll point them out:
" He remembered the last time he smiled [is] when he was in the sixth grade. "
You've mixed past tense with present tense. It should be "was".
" Ledan would come in, eating [a fresh-baked donuts] that his [counselor] makes for all the students who see her. "
"A fresh-baked donuts"? You have inadvertently added "s" at the back. Besides that, you have spelled "counselor" wrongly. It's supposed to be "counsellor", with the double "L".
" His favorite, [the glazed with] blueberry filling had (...)"
"The glazed" what? You missed out the word "donut" after "glazed".
" Ledan screamed from the top of his [lung], [tearing] falling down upon his cheeks. "
Ledan has two lungs, doesn't he? It should be "lungs". Also, "tearing" should be altered to "tears".
This chapter was full of feels, I loved that fuzzy feeling I got when Ledan reminisced of his childhood. His only friend...Ms. Frescan...I'm very sorry for Ledan. He must have had such a rough childhood...
Anyway, another awesome chapter! I'd love to read more
~Brunnera
'Ello!
So last chapter I was like 'where are all the backstories' well here they are! This is a really good start to adding some more dimensions to your character, he's been having counseling since sixth grade, which is really useful information to know in his situation.
So this description of Ms. Frescan isn't really necessary. I mean, you can mention it, but your description of her here is more something that should be shown- which you do actually show in the rest of the chapter with the dialogue. So basically, just remember, to show, not tell.
What I didn't like about this chapter was how dialogue0 heavy it was. I see the other reviewers have said yo need to include some more descriptions, which I agree with. However, not only descriptions, but more thoughts and actions. Reading too much of the same thing of anything can become a bit boring. I do like how you tried to break up the dialogue a bit, but I still think there's way too much in one place.
Also, this chapter leaves me wondering about his age. If he's having a flashback to when he was 10 (is ten right? I wouldn't know, I'm British
Overall, good chapter! Hope this helped, feel free to ask me any questions. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hello, love!
Aurora here for a quick review. I'll try to make it good for a fellow watcher.
Alright. Nitpicks and grammatical errors:
His favorite, the glazed with blueberry filling had a certain sweetness to it that he savored the taste in each bite.
Ah... this just reads oddly. Maybe try
His favorite, the glazed ones with blueberry filling, had a certain sweetness to it that he savored in each bite.
“I see that your father didn’t do anything to you…”
“He didn’t want child services coming…”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call them, Led-..”
You don't need to use a trail of periods to show that you are trailing off. You can write that in, and having a series of dialogue with three periods after each line just looks unprofessional.
End of nitpicks, good job there.
I think this piece could use a little more description. And I know you already described the doughnut, but what about the guidance counselor? Or her office? Or even Ledan's smile?
Speaking of his smile, you overuse the words smile in the very beginning. Find a synonym, love.
Your pacing was a bit fast. You could have him and the guidance counselor chat for a minute before they talk about his life.
Keep persisting, love.
Aurora
I'll do better on being descriptive next time, it's just I wrote that around 3 in the morning and I am kind of tired xD
Lol. The effects of reviewing everything that came into the green room, I'm sure.
Hello.
This is a very short chapter. However, you're writing a novel?
I think in the editing process it will need to be made longer, but for now, it's a good start.
Admittedly, I haven't read the other chapters, but examining this one on its own merits I have several things to say about it.
Good Points
1. The present tense makes it more immediate
2. Good handle of dialogue
3. Characterisation is
Improvement Points
1. The length - if it is for a novel that you want to get published
2. You need more description among the dialogue
3. This includes description of the characters
You know what things look like in the novel, but the reader doesn't necessarily know all the same details. You need to make that clearer and you can do that by adding more detail.
Keep writing.
It's just when I type for very long, I get major headaches and I'll end up not doing it anymore, but I'll make longer chapters.. and I'll be more descriptive next time.
Awww. It's still a good start. And you can always go back.