Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter One-
It’s been four months since Ledan has been charged for first degree murder. All he knew that he never went to court for the murdering case, and he was knocked out by police for resisting arrest. Lying on his cell bed, Ledan stared at the small light bulb, the mysterious glow surrounded by the incessant buzz of small flies. A sound caught his attention, different than the buzzing that'd become a dull white noise within his cell. Footsteps. As the realization struck home, he shifted, sitting up to find himself staring into the cool gaze of an officer in front of his cell; the place he'd unwillingly called home for four months. “Come on. It’s time to head outside to do work.”
Ledan glared at the man with cold eyes, feeling anger and despair. He knew he didn’t belong in this cell, in this hell-hole of a dump. Ledan stood up lifelessly from his bed, walking towards the cell door as he noticed the officer opened the door with a small, rusty key. As soon as the officer opened the door, Ledan walked out, staying quiet as he started to head outside the double doors in front of him.
Ledan flinched from the bright sun as he looked at the other criminals working, sweating.
The officer threw a small towel and a shovel at Ledan as he looked up at the officer. “Start digging, criminal.” The officer snarled at Ledan as he headed straight to where the pile of dirt was. Ledan is held in a middle of nowhere, where the wind is blowing constantly, causing dirt to pile up near the prison.
Ledan began to shovel out the dirt into a bag, feeling the sweat run down his body already. “Dammit…”
“Hey there.”
Ledan flinched as he turned to where the voice was coming from. It was a man, who looked a little older than he was. The man’s hair was short and prickly. His face seemed tanned from the sun. He also looked like he could be one of those skater boys you meet in your local neighborhood.
“What are you in for? Mine is robbery and theft.” The man smiled at Ledan, trying to make conversation with him. Ledan stared at the ground, feeling scared about what the man is going to say when he answers.
“…Murder.”
The man’s eyes widened as he stared at Ledan. “Woah… the big one. Well, it’s alright. You’re not the only one here who has commit murder. By the way, the name’s Jay. What’s yours?”
“Ledan…” Ledan spoke softly as he kept shoveling the dirt into the bag.
“Well, Ledan… if you just follow the rules around here, you might get lucky and get out. Probably not for a while though, because of murder and all…” Jay looked up at the sky, sighing softly as he wiped his sweat on his forehead with his small towel.
“But… I don’t remember committing something like that. I don’t remember… a murder at all. All I know… is that… I am here accused for first degree. I want to clear my name, but at the same time… I feel like I have done something to make this happen to me.” Ledan clutched the shovel handle tightly, staring at the ground.
Jay looked at Ledan as he placed his hand on Ledan’s right shoulder. “Then how about I’ll help you? First thing we need to do is get information about this… murder you caused.”
“Is that… possible?” Ledan questioned his statement.
Jay scoffed. “Ha! For a criminal like me, anything’s possible. But… we have to plan this out carefully. We don’t want to be in more trouble than we already are.”
Ledan nodded at his statement.
I will find out what has happened…
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey Kanome! Danni here for a review!
First off, your language rating is too strong. Damn and dammit are considered minor swears,
so would only need a 12+ rating.
I already like Jay. He seems funny, in a criminal way.
There are a few paragraph problems in this. Remember you need to start a new one every time a person speaks, the scene changes or a new character is introduced.
Overall, I liked this! I am excited to find out what happens and why Ledan was framed for the murder. Keep up the good work!
Danni
Hey there Kanome. As promised, chapter one. Mysterious Ledan who has no memories of a murder he committed.
I may watch some dozen of CSI and all those investigation shows. I never remember anything about first-degree murder or third-degree. Wait, I can't even differentiate Homicide and Murder. Hahaha. So, I googled and I just know first-degree murder is an intentional murder. My point is, there may be some readers like me, who know not much of the simplest terms. So, it might be great to have a short just few word to define first-degree murder.
Court? I thought the word was trial. But I myself not sure. You might have much more research than me! So, pardon me if I'm wrong.
Another, a murder for only four months. Furthermore, it's family... That's a little too less?
Clear his name? Usually, when somebody is accused or not guilty until proven. He would be in a lockup at the station instead of a prison. He would need to face a dozen of trials and in and out of interrogations. If he is already in prison doing labour. He is guilty with hard evidence piling against him. Unless the country's law is guilty unless proven otherwise.
There's something odd, there is a glimmer of hope of clearing his name and he just simply nodded at that hope...
But I love this ending!
That's it for now, chapter two!
Okay, this review is long overdue and I'm sorry for that. I skimmed through the previous review, and honestly, Brunnera already got most of the corrections down, though I still have a few other things I'd like to show you. Before all that though, I'll tell you what I like about this chapter so far.
I like that you're showing us what Ledan thinks, be it directly through his thoughts, or indirectly by the way he acts. I could see that he truly does not wish to be there, and that he is utterly confused - though he does have that nagging feeling that he did do something to cause his current situation. I also appreciate that we get to see more about the possible friendship happening between Ledan and Jay, despite the harsh treatment they both get. It goes to show the even though they've done something wrong, someone is still willing to lend a helping hand. The last line also gives me a sense of intrigue, because it seems to hint out that no matter what Ledan has to go through, he will find out what happened to him, and why exactly he's imprisoned.
Now, that aside, here's a few more suggestions and corrections I've got for you:
I think it should be "committed" rather than "commit".
It'd be better to say "wiped away the sweat".
The "I'll" should be "I".
For me, this was a bit awkward to read. Personally, I would have written it this way: "We don't want to be in more trouble than we're already in."
That's about it I guess. It's quite an intriguing start to your novel. I'd recommend though, that you read through this again to spot what you think you should edit. You just need a bit more help to smooth out those rough edges. Good luck and keep writing! You'll get better.
Hey, Kanome! Brunnera here to review on chapter one.
I hope I've helped you on this part of your story, and I can't wait for the rest! 
The first paragraph was excellent, but I'm not so fond of how it was quite long. To me, a new paragraph should start every time the reader's attention is brought to a new subject, or when somebody is speaking.
The [ is to mark where I think a new paragraph should be started. The (...) is my own correction.
" It’s been four months since Ledan has been charged for first degree murder. All he knew (was) that he never went to court for the murdering case, and he was knocked out by police for resisting arrest. [ Lying on his cell bed, Ledan stared at the small light bulb, the mysterious glow surrounded by the incessant buzz of small flies. A sound caught his attention, different than the buzzing that'd become a dull white noise within his cell. [ Footsteps. As the realization struck home, he shifted, sitting up to find himself staring into the cool gaze of an officer in front of his cell; the place he'd unwillingly called home for four months. [ “Come on. It’s time to head outside to do work.” "
I love the description of him staring up at the light bulb. That was an excellent job.
" Ledan glared at the man with cold eyes, feeling anger and despair. He knew he didn’t belong in this cell, in this hell-hole of a dump. Ledan stood up lifelessly from his bed, walking towards the cell door as he noticed the officer opened the door with a small, rusty key. As soon as the officer opened the door, Ledan walked out, staying quiet as he started to head outside the double doors in front of him. "
You can choose an alternate way of telling all this, you can describe it to me...let's say, creatively?
Instead of saying "Ledan stood up lifelessly from the bed", what about (Lazily, he rose to his feet)
Instead of "walking towards the cell door", since cells technically don't have doors, what about (trudging towards the cell entrance). By the way, "as he noticed the officer opened the door with a small, rusty key." sounds quite weird. Erasing "he noticed" would make it sound better.
Since you've already described the officer opening the entrance, saying it again in the next sentence makes it repetitive. Either change "the officer opened the door with a small, rusty key" to "the officer (unlocked) the door with a small, rusty key", or just change the "As soon as the officer opened the door," of the next sentence completely.
" Ledan walked out, staying quiet as he started to head outside the double doors in front of him. "
He's heading for the double doors, not outside to get to the double doors, right? Simplifying the second part of the sentence to (mouth shut as he headed for the double doors in front of him) sounds better.
" Ledan flinched from the bright sun as he looked at the other criminals working, sweating. "
Sudden bright light is usually blinding, and you've already described that from the way Ledan flinched, but how can he be looking at the other criminals at the same time as he is blinded by the light? These two things are separate.
Here's my version:
(Ledan flinched, blinded by the bright sun which splashed in as soon as the doors opened. Slowly, as he was ushered outside by the guards, his vision adjusted to the brightness, and he watched as the other criminals worked in the bare field of dust, sweat dampening their bright jumpsuits and rolling down their foreheads.)
That gives you a good idea of the workers, eh?
" The officer threw a small towel and a shovel at Ledan as he looked up at the officer. “Start digging, criminal.” The officer snarled at Ledan as he headed straight to where the pile of dirt was. Ledan is held in a middle of nowhere, where the wind is blowing constantly, causing dirt to pile up near the prison. "
Every time a new subject is brought up, or if a dialogue is started, there should be a new paragraph. Just as before, [ marks the beginning of a paragraph, and (...) are my own corrections.
" The officer threw a small towel and a shovel at Ledan (as he stared inquiringly at him.) [ “Start digging, criminal(,).” (t)he officer snarled at Ledan(, watching) as he headed straight to where the pile of dirt was. [ Ledan (was being) held in a middle of nowhere, where the wind (was) blowing constantly, causing dirt to pile up near the prison. "
Besides that, I think the rest of the chapters were okay, though Jay's description was very...well, vague. Not all neighborhoods have "one of those skater boys you meet in your local neighbourhood". So I basically have no clue as to what he looks like.
Jay's hair, "short and prickly"? "Prickly" isn't really used to describe hair, try "spiky" instead. Besides that, what colour is it? Blonde? Dark? Brown?
Instead of having a "tanned face from the sun" what about "he had a bronze face, as a result of the many hours spent working underneath the blazing heat"?
Then, to his face. Did he look mean? Kind? Friendly? A big nose, small eyes? Or a delicate, beautifully-sculptured nose and almond-shaped eyes? Thick lips, or perhaps a scar over the those two lips as a result from a fight? These are more accurate ways to tell me how Jay is.
The dialogue between Ledan and Jay was casual enough, it gives a sense of humanity and realism in the spiralling, confusing world Ledan was forcibly thrown into.
The way Jay suddenly wanted to help Ledan was probably a bit too straightforward. Perhaps if you stressed that point out more, it would be better.
I love the plot of the first chapter, it's a very strong start, especially since it's a normal thing to have mean officers and rough work.
I'll be reviewing on the next chapter pretty soon!
~Brunnera
Hi, again!
The first thing I noticed is, you changed the POV, which is totally allowed I think, because the last part was a prologue. I was, however, a bit disappointed at this because I think with a story like this it's more interesting to hear it from his perspective. Also the fact that he can't remember the murder (if it did actually happen) might show that he's a bit of a crazy, unreliable narrator, which is always fun to read. So that's something to think about.
Tenses! 'is' should be 'was' as the rest is in the past tense.
Something that striked me as weird is the fact that Ledan didn't have a trial? I wasn't sure if his trial was coming up or what, but it's been four months. Everyone has the right to a trial, and if he really doesn't think he did it, surely he's be pushing for a trial a lot?
This is a specific thing, but when the guard tells him to get out of the cell to dig up dirt, the way it's written makes it sound like the pile of dirt is indoors. I think you should give an indication of them walking outside. I know this is quite a small problem, but when I read it I found it kind of weird, so clear that up a bit!
Overall, this was a great addition to your story. I agree that the ending is really cool, and I like how we meet a new character in this. Sorry this review is a bit all over the place, but I hope I helped. Feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
I have edited Chapter One of LWR.
Thanks to the help of these people:
@GreenLight24
@Asteria
@Thewriter13
Hey there, Kanome! GreenLight24 here with a review for you during this Review World Cup!
Before I get into the meat of this review, let me just take a minute to lay out some housekeeping things. First, I won't be reviewing this based on grammar or spelling, because I feel like those are things that writers on this site are already pretty well-versed in. Instead, I'll be focusing on the conceptual and storytelling aspects of the piece. Secondly, I'm going to start with the good stuff and work my way into constructive criticisms later on. Here we go!
*clears throat*
The first thing I'd like to commend you for here was the ending of this chapter. I usually don't start this part of my review talking about the ending, but I think that the end is what makes this entire chapter work. You did a very nice job of pulling it all together and really explaining what the main point of focus is gonna be going forward. To be honest, I didn't like this chapter all that much until the final scene. The dialogue really made everything come into focus and I finally got a good picture of where exactly you were going with this. Another thing I liked about this chapter as a whole was the narrative voice. Whenever we write novels, it's very important to establish a specific tone that's unique to us and fits the story we want to tell. Developing a defined narrative voice is the single most effective way to establish that tone. Here, you've done it flawlessly, using short sentences and suspenseful dialogue as well as the uncomfortable repetition of your main characters name to convey a mysteriously unsettling tone. Great job there.
As far as constructive criticisms go, the only one I have to offer you is the same one that I offer to every single writer whose works I review: Go back and proofread. Like I said, I'm not a real big spelling/grammar nazi, but it;s always worth your while to go back and check for any errors that might have come up. I recommend rereading your works very slowly out loud because it really does help you catch the ones you might miss if you were just reading in your head. In this chapter, it didn't seem like there were many errors, but proofreading might help you expand on some of those themes you're working with and help you unpack your ideas even further should you decide to edit things.
Overall, you did a nice job. This chapter was extremely effective in doing all of the things that a first chapter should do: it established a tone for the novel, introduced a main and supporting character, established the setting, and presented the reader with the novel's major point of conflict. Great job, buddy. Never stop writing!
Asteria here with a review!
Let me start by saying you've got me intrigued. I want to know why he's being accused (and convicted) of this murder, why he's no memory of it. I want to know more about this case and how he's ended up where he's at.
The only thing that could potentially be improved upon would be how you begin your sentences. It doesn't affect the overall way that it reads, but you use the character's names frequently to start off your sentences. For example:
You've got wonderful imagery in this section, but it's weighted down by a lot of repetition with Ledan's name. Perhaps, you could try something along these lines:
"Lying on his cell bed, Ledan stared at the small light bulb, the mysterious glow surrounded by the incessant buzz of small flies. A sound caught his attention, different than the buzzing that'd become a dull white noise within his cell. Footsteps. As the realization struck home, he shifted, sitting up to find himself staring into the cool gaze of an officer in front of his cell; the place he'd unwillingly called home for four months."
Obviously, this isn't my piece, so I wouldn't dream of saying that these are changes that must be made! As I said, the use of repetition didn't detract from how it read, so please just take what I say as a humble suggestion.
You've some good imagery in this piece, and it brought a powerful visual to mind as I saw him under the brilliant sun, resting atop that shovel and trying to figure out what'd happened. Wanting answers he didn't have.
I can easily say that you've gotten me hooked, Kanome, and I cannot wait to read the next chapter!
Thewriter13 here for a review! Um so this piece was very suspenseful as to what will happen next, but this first chapter needs a lot of work done.
.
So the plot has potential: we know Ledan is charged, but he claims he didn't do the crime. Jay immediately wants to help out Ledan...but you don't really give us a reason as to why Jay will do that. Perhaps go through and give more detail and develop the chapter a little more.
Nitpicks:
"All he knew that he never went to court for the murdering case, and he was knocked out by police for resisting arrest." This needs to be reworded...perhaps add "was" after "knew".
Your starting line: "It’s been four months since Ledan has been charged for first degree murder." is a little too direct. I feel you should integrate that more in the story...perhaps with dialogue or with Ledon's thoughts... "It's been four months since I've been charged..." or something like that. Just don't try and make it as direct and blunt unless those were truly your intentions.
You also switch in and out of tenses...I suggest going back and looking at your story. You used past tense, and then you go to 'is' etc. Pick one tense to keep the consistency of the story.
You need to create more imagery in this story. You have very little description and I think you should add more to really set the scene and to keep the reader interested. For example:
" Ledan is held in a middle of nowhere, where the wind is blowing constantly, causing dirt to pile up near the prison" Not only do you use present tense, you don't really talk about the setting. Describe it more in greater detail. what did the sky look like? How big was the area? you mention it's sunny, but you need to include more! ;D I was able to picture it only because it reminded me of the movie Holes
This story is off to a great start, but it needs more description. Don't just give Lendon a name, give him an appearance so you don't have to constantly say "he" "Lendon" This will avoid repetition. Do the same for each character you mention.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh, but I think this story has potential and I really want you to bring it to its full potential! I can't wait to read more, because I wanna see what happens next.
Keep writing!