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Young Writers Society



Come back part-2

by KanekiManjushage


By the time I noticed you were fading away with time, you were gone. How could you explain everything to me? This was what surfaced my mind when I first heard about you. It was hard on you. Too hard for me to comprehend. But shouldn’t you have had more faith in me than on anyone else?

I hate this feeling! It’s gnawing me from inside. Why didn’t you confide in me? Didn’t I earn your trust, even a little bit in the time we were together…? Didn’t you tell me I was different? You used to say that so much! Every time holding my hand and gazing me like I was going to disappear the next moment, it was the only thing that you repeated thousands of time. You didn't even say you cared for me a second time! And I so much believed you. Was it a mistake?

Was it supposed to be a mistake?

Come back. If you don’t come to my side now I’ll be dead soon. And I don’t want to die alone. Not here. If it is the eternal sleep it should be better with you by my side…holding me until I pass on. I don’t want to think of being separated…forever…without even having seen you for the last time! I want to confirm so many things.

Come back Aki. Akira.

I know everyone’s lying when they say you are dead. You of all people can’t be dead. Not now when you have so much left to do. You are just slipping out of time for a bit of fun. Or to relax I guess. Maybe you are on a secret mission! This time greater and much more dangerous than the one where you had to betray us all!

However important that is for you, you should come back. It wasn’t a bluff when I said I will be dead soon. If it was me alone who was in danger, you know, I wouldn’t have called you like this. I know your alone times.

But it’s your sister who is in danger. 

More than me or any of us who are here. If I don’t die here it would be a miracle and if she survived a little of what I have gone through till now…that would be even a greater one. Come back! Come back now.

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1162 Reviews

Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

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Wed Oct 12, 2016 2:32 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous part of this story, but I'll do my best anyway!

Overall, I was intrigued by this chapter segment. I love first person narration and I love when the reader can really get in the MC's head and hear their thoughts and feel what they are feeling. I think you did a really nice job of that in this chapter. The emotion of this moment came through well and even though I don't know these characters and I don't have any context for what is happening, I feel bad for this MC.

One thing I wondered as I read this is where this is taking place. I'm assuming this is all inner monologue and what the MC is thinking, but I'm really not sure. This could also be a letter, the MC could be talking to a grave, etc. Now there's a chance you set up the setting more in the first portion of this piece. If that's the case, awesome, but I still think you can oriente the reader to the setting throughout this portion of the chapter as well. Just like we try to avoid talking heads in dialogue, large blocks of inner monologue can start to feel a bit overwhelming. I would like to see some action within this monologue. Where is the character right now? What is he/she doing? I want to actually see the character in this in addition to the inner monologue. The emotion is already strong, think about how much more powerful it could be if you add more of the character in and we can see their facial expression, see them hitting the ground in frustration, see them screaming in pain, etc. I think that would take it to the next level!

Well this is a pretty short review. I'm not going to get too bogged down with little nit-picky things, but if you're interested in that, I can go back and point some of those things out! Please let me know if you have any questions/if something I said was confusing, or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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25 Reviews

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Thu Oct 06, 2016 9:48 pm
XxPheonixKittenxX wrote a review...



Hey there! Kitten here for another review!
So first off,

"a little bit in the time we were together…? "
you don't really need the word "little" in the sentence. I mean, it's fine how it is, I'm just saying, you don't really need it. It's kinda like an unnecessary word.

"Was it supposed to be a mistake?"
Maybe rephrase this a little bit.
For instance,

"Had been aimed as a mistake?"

"If it is the eternal sleep it should be better with"
So I can't think of a way to rephrase this at the moment. But it has a passive voice. Could you possibly make it more active?

Other than that, you did a fantastic job! Keep up the great writing, and I hope to read from you again!
Have a wonderful day!
~Kitten





Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown